Binge Eating: to wish I could be someone else?

[BingeyBrenda]

I have a serious binge eating problem. I've been doing this since I was in primary school.

I remember I was around 8 or 9...I was never bought sweets as a kid. Never. My packed lunches were crap because we were extremely poor. The other kids had sunny d and lunchables and cake bars. I was so jealous, one day I stole money from my mums purse, and went in the shop outside the school and bought chocolate. I did this over and over until I was stealing notes, and buying huge piles of chocolate bars. I discovered i could buy friends with chocolate bars. I'd take them home and eat them in my room and hide the wrappers.

Fast forward 25 years. The stealing stopped as a kid, but the binge eating, the hiding of food and gorging on huge amounts continues.

Whenever I read anything abput binge eating disorder, if they give an example of how much food is a binge I think "that's not a binge. I eat 10 x that". I literally should probably enter some sort of eating contest, I'd be famous.

Of course im over weight, probably not as overweight as I deserve to be. I'm a size 18.

I have spent my whole life trying to stop this. My ENTIRE life, every day, I'm either trying to binge, trying to not binge, on a diet or on a food free for all. Food is my life. I'm obsessed. I keep going on diets and they only ever last so long. I'm rubbish at them and I feel like im just the worst person...ever.

I also tried for a while giving up diets. I was told if I stop restricting myself I'll find peace. I didn't. I just gained weight. Lots of it.

To give an example of a binge for me
3 slices of toast and butter...followed by Dominoes large pizza, garlic bread, 2 portions of nachos, large dip. That's all before 10am. I'll probably have more later. It's particularly bad right bow because my husband is away for a few days so I have constant need to binge where as normally I'd go out to the shops and buy stuff and eat it as I walk. Chocolate and crisps usually.

On the outside I'm.normal...I cook meals for the family, I'm just like every one else but there's this dark secret there always. I hide wrappers in my coat pocket, in the changing bag, in my knicker drawer until I can get to a bin...what is wrong with me???

I feel like I'm just a totally broken person. I don't see anyone else doing this. I never hear of anyone like me. I feel like my brain and body are just f**ked. And I feel like I have tried absolutely everything.

After binging this morning I just sat there thinking...I wish I was literally anyone else.

You sound so sad and desperate. I recognise it in myself.

Can you explore therapy?

X

I'm so sorry. I have no advice but couldn't ignore and wanted to say I completely relate. I have quite a low BMI because I also go through prolonged phases of starving myself or making myself sick but I have regular phases of beinge eating too. Each phase of eating disordered behaviour lasts a few weeks at a time but I'm always doing something unhealthy and all consuming. The secrecy and 'normal on the outside' makes you feel so alone, doesn't it. But you're not. It's so common. Shit but common.

I’m so sorry you’re having a difficult time. I can relate to this a bit having had binging problems from a similar age. I am a lot better than I was, I do have chocolate binges but they are pretty moderate these days, two small bars instead of two family size blocks! Two things really helped - using saxenda physically reduced what I could fit in and made my cravings subside a lot. The other was the “brain over binge” podcast and workbook.

What's happened is that you felt (rightly or wrongly) that you were deprived as a child in comparison to your peers - this is a crucial time of your life when being 'different' is far more important than when you're an adult. You learnt to get around this by using chocolate as a currency, thereby learning that overeating was a good thing.

This pattern has stayed in your subconscious mind - overeating = being popular and acceptable therefore bingeing must be even better. You know, logically, that it's not and that it will affect your health and wellbeing but your "inner child" is having none of that idea.

I feel like im just the worst person...ever. If you think that then why would you take care of that person? You CAN change your thought patterns but you need to change the original misconception. Remedial hypnosis could help you by talking to the part of your subconscious mind which is holding on to this outdated and unhelpful information.

Maybe it’s time to invest in yourself and seek therapy. You are not alone, there are sadly too many suffering like you. The shame is imprisoning you.

I have had the same issue since I was about 12 too. Very similar issues with being poor, not having what others have, using and hiding food as the one and only source of pleasure in my childhood. I like you am not that overweight, but I’ve always been heavier than I really ever want to be.

I’ve had on off binge eating throughout my entire life, some times I can control it, others it wins. I went to therapy but found I was too ashamed to really tell the therapist the issue so just talked about other stuff. I’m doing well at the moment but it’s a battle.

I’ve listened to brain over binge and it’s good but I didn’t cure me. One thing that did resonate with me however was an interview I watched with Richard Osman (off pointless) where he said he had binge eating disorder and he came to terms with it by abandoning the magical thinking that one day it would just be resolved / go away - and then reasoned he would always have it, so each day he kind of knows it’s there, and knows he has to fight. This helps him realise that it’s actually very hard, and a tall order to not do it, so he credits himself when he resists but forgives himself when it doesn’t go well. He talked about ‘walking with’ his condition rather than denying / minimising the gravity of it.

I try to do that too - I know I’m always a binge eater, and today I didn’t binge eat, so well done me etc.

i think it’s a 100% mental health issue, like an addiction, a desire to feel nothing while I am eating. Nothing kind of compares to the numbness of just being alone and eating something really terrible. I think if someone hasn’t had the issue they cannot understand and diet advice has no useful application - it’s about feelings.

I do wish you all the best with it, I would explore therapy and maybe (unlike me) be honest with the therapist, maybe you will find a better way to deal with it xxx

I have suffered with this and bulimia for 40 years. My binges we're huge, and a binge cycle could last months. You are not alone OP.
I found the Brain over Binge book life-changing. I also read Rational Recovery which sets out the principles Brain Over Binge is based on, and also very helpful. I don't find the podcasts quite as useful....

I'm very interested in the Richard Osman @Pipsickl referenced above. Do you have a link? It's kind of where I've landed too. I have the tools from the books above, but recognise that it's something that's always in the background and it's an ongoing conversation with that part of my brain. But thanks to Brain over Binge in particular I've got a sense of positivity and equilibrium about it all, and have mostly stopped bingeing and restricting over the past few years.

Good luck OP, I hope some of the advice here resonates and is helpful to you x

It sounds really tough, OP. Your post really gives a sense of the shame you feel about this. You’re also incredibly critical of yourself, but this is a type of illness. You need help, it’s not a moral failing to have an eating disorder. It’s not a reflection of who you are as a person and the respect and compassion you deserve.

I really think you’d benefit from some therapy or opening up to someone about it, begin to unburden yourself with this huge thing you’ve been carrying for all these years.

@BingeyBrenda my heart breaks for you reading that post. None of this is your fault, there is nothing wrong with you. Your childhood sounds hard and I bet the binge eating now is still rooted in those experiences. This really has nothing to do with food, so stop trying to address the food issue. You’ve got to resolve the underlying emotional stuff. You would really benefit from therapy or a support group for binge eaters, have you tried either?

I’m not a binge eater myself but I did have a huge problem with alcohol, and three years ago after many false starts I finally gave up completely. Obviously one cannot give up food (!!!) but for me what was vital was addressing the underlying issues causing my binge drinking, AND developing other healthy coping mechanisms.

Please don’t feel ashamed or like there’s something wrong with you or it’s your fault. None of those things are true. You sound like a lovely person who needs some help.

What @Sparklesocks says times a thousand. There is so much shame around binge eating, somehow it seems more shameful than alcohol or drug addiction but it’s not. I hope you find some peace and some help, you deserve to be happy.

Look up The Binge Eating Therapist - Sarah Dosanjh on instagram or YouTube. She is amazing and I’ve started recovery with her podcast.

OP I don't have any answers but I've had issues with food all my life and understand how you are feeling

I think you definitely need some kind of therapy - maybe try EDMR? There was a good thread about about it here and I've done it myself for smoking with good results. You have to try something different to get different results.

This isn't something that will just go away. You need professional help to address the underlying trauma or issues as well as techniques to help break the cycle.

You aren't doing this to yourself. Your mind is doing this to your body as a coping mechanism for something deeper rooted or from a mental illness.

Be gentle with yourself and engage with a therapist. You should also explore if you fit the parameters for things like ADHD as this can often manifest as binge eating or other disorders.

You seem to have a strong will and the want to overcome this. Get a therapy referral and ask about tests for ADHD/ADD etc.

That’s hard OP, I can relate with the compulsion and NEED to eat.

I have done quite a lot to explore my issues and have made some progress (although not as much as I’d like).

Essentially mine is related to feelings of shame, in a perverse way I do it when I am ashamed and I need comfort. But of course, it’s a cycle because the more I do it the more ashamed I am.

I do think the only way forward is talk therapy, trying to get down to the root cause of what you’re trying to hide / soothe.

sounds like you had it tough when you were a kid :(

I dont have any practical advice but did want to say that I think you sound extremely brave and I would love you to stop being so hard on yourself. I have experience of friends with alcoholism and in terms of addictions then I expect food and alcohol could be closely linked - when managed in a healthy way they can make your life better but if the relationship with them becomes disordered then it's a hard fix because they are a part of everyday life. It's not like you can decide to cut food out altogether is it. If I was in your shoes I would be seeking some therapy/counselling to help yourself understand some strategies to help break this cycle. Hopefully the comments you've received on here may help you see that you've no reason to feel shame. You want to change your habit and that's really admirable. Good luck OP.