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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think partner shouldn't pander to ex wife's demands?

16 replies

RockinAllOverTheWorld · 10/03/2023 09:36

Background: I've been with my DP for three years, living together for six months. He has two DC 4 and 7 and I have one who is 6. Everyone gets on really well. His custody arrangement with the girls is that he has them every Saturday morning until Sunday teatime and one night mid week. This isn't a court order just their arrangement which has been since youngest was born as they split when his ex was pregnant. It's his 7 year olds birthday soon which is on a Saturday and his ex is planning a party at her house for DC's friends. My DC is invited. We'd arranged to pick up the kids after the party and then back to ours. On the Sunday my sister is hosting family to celebrate my grandma's 100th birthday and I've got family coming from America whom I haven't seen since pre COVID. We'd arranged it for the Sunday to work around 7 year old's party so the girls can meet many of my family.

My DP received a text from ex this morning asking what we are doing on the Sunday after DC's birthday. I don't know this level of detail about their life nor do I think I should and it was clear it was leading somewhere. He then told me when soon to be 8 DC was over this week she'd asked what we were doing and didn't like the sound of my family gathering as it's her birthday weekend. So he texted back that we're going to my sisters for family party. Ex said she's going to keep the girls and they'll carry on the celebrations at hers as DC 'always misses out'. AIBU to think that my DP should be standing up to her and insist or AIBU for wanting the kids to be there at my family's gathering? I've very sadly lost both my parents and apart from my sister don't get to see wider family very often as we're dotted about. I feel like this is such a big event I'd like all the girls to be a part of it. My other sister who lives miles away can't make the Sunday either but can do Saturday so I feel like letting family know we can now do the Saturday, My DC won't be able to attend the eldest DC's birthday party but she will get to see her auntie and cousin which is a fairly new relationship (long story) and one I'd like to kindle as we don't have a big family. What would you do?

OP posts:
5128gap · 10/03/2023 09:45

I think you're going to have to make the arrangements for your DC that suit you and them best, and allow your partner and his ex to do the same for their DC, without any pressure from you. When there's a clash of opinions and plans, parents wishes always come first so there's little point entering into a battle you won't win. The easier option is to but out now and let them sort their DC out while you focus on your family and enjoy their visit.

Skyeheather · 10/03/2023 10:14

You aren't married to your DP so his DC are not your step children, they are your partner's children. You don't have a right to expect them to attend your family party if their DM isn't happy about it.

I would let your DP and his ex decide what's best for their children and you carry on and make arrangements for you and your DC to enjoy your family party. You don't get to override the wishes of your partners DC's DM.

davegrohll · 10/03/2023 10:18

Isn't it up to your dp what he does with the kids on his weekend with them ? So why is it up to his ex what happens on the Sunday ? Depends really on what you do thinks, if he's happy for you all to go to the family party Sunday then just carry on and do it it's not any of her business what you do on your contact weekends

Tinkerbyebye · 10/03/2023 10:21

I would do the Saturday if that’s better for you and your partner can go to his kids party

aSofaNearYou · 10/03/2023 10:21

I wouldn't personally be bothered about my DSC being at my family party so if she doesn't want to go I'd just let this go.

In terms of the Saturday, I think it's up to you and your DC whether they'd rather go to SC's birthday party or see you their aunt and cousin.

Devoutspoken · 10/03/2023 10:24

They split up when they had a toddler and a baby?

TootsAtOwls · 10/03/2023 10:30

Am I right in understanding it was the child who didn't fancy seeing your family on her birthday weekend? I'd respect that tbh. She's 8, she wants to be the special one for the entire weekend, not hang out with lots of people she's never met and isn't related to

Bunnyishotandcross · 10/03/2023 10:38

Imo no way should a small dc decide your week end op. Do what's best for you and your dc..
Your dp being a sap to his ex is probably how your future will figure op. Decide of that is how you see your relationship... His dd, his ex and then you. Your dc will be a small side line I guess.

Ponoka7 · 10/03/2023 10:40

I think that the eight year old would want the weekend to be about her birthday. Likewise her Mum would want to focus on her. Why would she be interested in your family party? It reads as your way or the highway. It'll speak volumes if you pull your DC from her party. Your DP should stand his ground and put his DD's wants first.

5128gap · 10/03/2023 11:11

I do think the child will probably be better off with her mum than at the party tbh. Your family havent seen your own DC for years, and even the most inclusive of families are typically more interested in the the DC they are related to than those of partners, so the child would likely be a bit peripheral. Better for her to be the centre of things with her mum than watching your DC at the centre of things with their relatives.

FinallyHere · 10/03/2023 11:29

5128gap · 10/03/2023 11:11

I do think the child will probably be better off with her mum than at the party tbh. Your family havent seen your own DC for years, and even the most inclusive of families are typically more interested in the the DC they are related to than those of partners, so the child would likely be a bit peripheral. Better for her to be the centre of things with her mum than watching your DC at the centre of things with their relatives.

This

Starting with what is best for the child in each case usually finds a good solution.

gillywiththedogs · 10/03/2023 11:32

It doesn't sound like she's making any 'demands' or that he is 'pandering'. Reading between the lines it very much sounds like his ex is trying to do what she thinks will make her DC happiest.

Starlitestarbright · 10/03/2023 11:35

I'm in agreement with the others I doubt they want to go to a strangers party. I'm suprised your dp isn't doing his own thing with his dd as treat? Taking her out anywhere. It seems to be on the dm celebrating and putting the effort in for the child but the df isn't. Your family's party seems to taken priority so I can see why the dm would be wondering why he hasn't bothered to make his own celebrations with his child.

InfluencerHag · 10/03/2023 11:36

TootsAtOwls · 10/03/2023 10:30

Am I right in understanding it was the child who didn't fancy seeing your family on her birthday weekend? I'd respect that tbh. She's 8, she wants to be the special one for the entire weekend, not hang out with lots of people she's never met and isn't related to

I agree tbh.

I don't think his kids need to go to your family gathering if they'd prefer not to.

Starlitestarbright · 10/03/2023 11:42

Op is your dp doing anything over the weekend to mark his dd birthday?

Minimalme · 10/03/2023 11:43

He gets the kids every weekend. They don't need to go to a party for people who are even their family and would much prefer to spend the weekend with their Mum.

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