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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think sometimes “gratitude” is really just guilt tripping with kids

17 replies

Theroadtohealth · 10/03/2023 08:57

To be clear, I’m not talking about trying to make children grateful for what they have. What I mean is when children of an age old enough to understand but too young to do anything (probably 8-14). I mean being constantly told “do you know how hard I work to give you things” as a means to discipline them, usually for doing something accidentally (breaking something) or even bad behaviour. I remember just feeling like absolute shit as a child when my mum would effectively guilt trip me a lot because “I was so lucky to have food on the table” or “she worked so hard to give me everything”. Looking back as an adult I think she was totally wrong, I was a small child who didn’t ask to be born and was literally incapable of getting a job or providing for myself. Aibu to think sometimes “gratitude” can border on guilt tripping?

OP posts:

caffelattetogo · 10/03/2023 11:19

Really depends, but when I tell my kids to be grateful, it's usually because they are being ridiculous - refusing to eat a sandwich because it's in quarters, not triangles etc!

miawallacesfeet · 10/03/2023 11:20

caffelattetogo · 10/03/2023 11:19

Really depends, but when I tell my kids to be grateful, it's usually because they are being ridiculous - refusing to eat a sandwich because it's in quarters, not triangles etc!

Not what the op is talking about. I agree op.

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 10/03/2023 11:23

I think that there is a difference between "you should be grateful for that food, lots of children are not as lucky as you" and "Be grateful for the things that I your parent am doing for you, thank me for all my hard work etc etc."

The latter is indeed guilt tripping and to be honest, on the rare occasion that I have gone down that route with my 6 year old, totally ineffective, he literally doesn't give a toss about my life choices .

I don't think it is good parenting.

Workplaywork111 · 10/03/2023 12:01

Completely agree op.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 10/03/2023 12:21

My parents were like this. It was awful. I remember being so anxious confused as to what was expected of me "in return". They were from the Boomer generation, and while this isn't true of everyone that age, many of them tend to view things as "transactional".

If you're a child's legal guardian, it's literally illegal not to care for them. You've no right to expect your children to dance around for you in gratitude - they are only here because of a lifestyle choice YOU made!

PolkaDotMankini · 10/03/2023 12:35

Ugh yes, this is "parenting with strings attached". There's no harm in pointing out that you will have to work x days to earn enough to replace an entire lost PE kit. It jogs them to remember that what they have doesn't come out of nowhere. But when it boils down to "You will look after me and give me lots of money when you're an adult, because I bought you basic necessities when you were a child" then it's horrible.

TreeByLeaf · 10/03/2023 12:38

There are so many entitled kids out there now. Don’t know what the solution is to that. Kids should be grateful when people do things for them, even if it is your job as mother to provide etc. guilt and shame not great, but a bit of perspective from some of these kids would be great. (Talking teens here).

Devoutspoken · 10/03/2023 12:43

Everything is relative though isn't it, I certainly do not try this on my kids even though they are much better off than I was as a kid, they know no different

Badbudgeter · 10/03/2023 13:13

There's a balance in there somewhere, we want our children to be happy and fulfilled. We'd also like them to not be overly entitled.

I do a lovely lecture on how children do have rights they also have responsibilities to themselves, their friends, their schools and their parents. Only by everyone fulfilling their responsibililties can we all enjoy our rights.

My 10yo has assured me he'd rather do anything than listen to me calmly and logically set out why we all contribute to the smooth running of our schools and homes. It's proved a far better deterrant than my previous Arsenal of threats and bribery.

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/03/2023 13:24

I think it’s important children know that their home and the things they have are as a result of parents working to provide for them and that repairs and replacements come at a cost. Not to guilt trip them, but to remind them to take care of what they have and to respect their home environment. My love and care for them is a given and will always be there, and providing for their needs is something I do from a place of love, appreciation for the things I do for them should also come from a place of love.

lazycats · 10/03/2023 13:26

Yes, it's basically a useless thing to say to child at that age. You can tell them they're lucky in relative terms but unless they've experienced the grind of earning a living it's all way too abstract.

Ifnottodaywhen · 10/03/2023 13:35

I think you're right. I try and make sure my DC are aware they have things/a standard of lifestyle that not everyone has in order to give them an understanding of different people's circumstances and to develop empathy.

What I do in terms of gratefulness though is having a daily 'gratitude check' - usually in the way to or from school. It's little things like: I'm grateful it's not raining as I have PE outside. Or I'm grateful that it's the weekend. Or that's there's something nice happening or something good has happened to someone we know. We try and make it little things so they get used to looking for the good in life. I think it helps with general contentness.

BridieConvert · 10/03/2023 13:37

Ifnottodaywhen · 10/03/2023 13:35

Love this daily gratitude check idea!

Ifnottodaywhen · 10/03/2023 13:41

Even the 4 yo does it! Hers are usually that she's grateful she is playing with her friends at nursery or she's grateful I bought her favourite chocolate. (magic stars😊)

HappyAsASandboy · 10/03/2023 14:06

I think there are so many shades of this that it's hard to comment. What is right for one family won't be for another.

As an example, I do point out the things that I do for my kids, when they're not pulling their own weight with things they're capable of. If I'm carrying multiple loads of food and plates to the table and they fetch a single set of cutlery for themselves, then I point out that I've cooked and am serving and will wash up afterwards, for them as well as me, and they should fetch the cutlery for everyone too - it's a team sport. Is that guilt tripping? Or highlighting selfish behaviour towards someone who is doing things for you? Is it right or wrong?

Tekkentime · 10/03/2023 14:59

Yes, like when my parents said, "this is my house and you live under my roof".

It used to feel like it wasn't really my bedroom or my house, it was my parent's house.

Makes you feel like it's all conditional. You can't legally work as a child, so why keep throwing it in their faces when they can't provide for themselves?

Yes, I moved out as soon as I could. My parent's wonder why we aren't closer... 😂

Somebodiesmother · 10/03/2023 15:03

God yes, I'm adopted and my adoptive parents routinely denied me food, medicine, and warmth, and still spent a lot of time screaming at me about how ungrateful I was to them for taking me in.

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