To expect the school to try harder than just "book her into school psych"

[ElfinsMum]

DD11 started at a private high school six weeks ago in Australia, moving from a mid sized public/state primary. She has always loved school and won the top academic award on leaving primary.

She is hating everything about it. She is struggling with organising her time and her stuff. A series of minor issues resulted in her concluding that the school is a horrible place, filled with horrible girls and fearsome teachers. She is far too scared of staff to ask for help. The swim coach, who was the only member of staff she had made a connection with, left yesterday.

She has some history with anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia and functional symptoms. She is experiencing many of these issues now at home and she says she is experiencing them in class.

I just received the results of her first maths test and it is poor by her standards. The feedback says she is enthusiastic and engaged in class but she says she is having panic attack symptoms and struggling to complete class work. The test feedback suggests she do more revision/study...but she is already doing hours more study than they recommend, mostly struggling to use her iPad and the electronic text books I think (she has never had one before, we seriously limit tech access.... wondering about that choice now). I checked out the revision tests and the level is years below where she is at normally.

I went to the homeroom teacher and HoY already. They were very transactional with me: has she had "intervention" before? Yes, right, send her to the school psych. I was out the door in less than 15 mins. They offered no other action.

My daughter's previous experience with psych was very destructive. There is no one and nothing she is more scared of than psychologists. I can think of absolutely no way to persuade her at this point that a psychologist employed by the school is going to help.

Aibu to have expected more help with settling in from the school?

Yabu - your DD is mentally unwell, just book her into the school psych as advised
Yanbu - it is normal for kids to struggle with transition to secondary, school should have lots of other ways to support (would be interested to hear any that I can ask for)

I think you should reassure her that psychologists are all different people. It can take a few tries to find the right match, but it is worth it.

I didn't vote as I don't like either option.

I wouldn't force her to the school counsellor but I would offer again if she wants to find one out of school.

I think it's still early in the year so feeling a bit overwhelmed with the changes can be normal, but not to the point of panic attacks.

I have heard from friends that private schools aren't really equipped to offer extra support for anyone out of the 'ordinary'.

Does she want to change school? My DD used to tell me that the students are horrible and the teachers suck, but I felt that every (public) school in our area would be the same (we're in Sydney). I made her persist for 2.5 years until she suddenly just refused to go to school anymore, then we changed school as we had no other choice, and OMG, the difference. Her new school is so helpful, the year coordinator is involved, the deputy is involved, the LaST is involved. She has a handful of other beautiful teachers who have offered their support if she ever is overwhelmed, re school work or mental health. She has been offered the school counsellor but declined as she doesn't like psychologists either.

If she wants to change school, maybe you could put a time frame on it, like end of term 2, or end of year 7, then reassess?

First of all, settling into Year 7 can take quite a while and usually there's a transition pastoral programme to help. Is there one at your DD's school?
You say she's struggling with the iPad - worth telling the school this. Also, limiting her screen time is unhelpful as she'll need to spend some time working her way round the device on top of any work set.
Do you have reports with recommendations for her working/learning from the various professionals she's been involved with before? If so, have you shared these reports with the school?

I am advising each of her class teachers that she is struggling whenever I get a chance, e.g. contacted the maths teacher today in response to her email re test feedback. I did mention the issues with iPad in my email yes...but I should probably mention it to other teachers too.

I meant we used to limit her screen time up until she started high school. We don't now. She is complaining of eye strain - I assume due to such a rapid increase.

No I don't have any report from previous psych because we kind of just dropped out. But I could ask for one.

@wandawaves I have told her we will move her after a year if it is still this bad.

We spent ages choosing a high school. And this is the only private school where a number of girls from her old school have gone...so I am a bit stumped where would be better. I think I would involve her a lot earlier in the selection process if we went through it again.

How are her friends coping with the change?

Have you taken her to talk to the GP?

I think the school psych is the right approach. They can evaluate if she needs intervention or adjustments put in place.

Has school given her a 'safe space' to go to, when things get a bit too much? Here in Scotland, this would probably be the school's Wellbeing Hub. Have they issued her with a 'time out' card, so that she can have 5 minutes in the bathroom if needed, without having to explain to the teacher? Also, it would really help if she could do a quick, daily check-in with a trusted adult ... but it does take time to form those bonds.
Good luck

Poor girl. I think she needs to be evaluated by an Educational Psychologist for any learning difficulties that may be underlying this, not talking therapies. Unless she's willing to participate and ready to engage, talking therapies just won't work. Alternatively I would also explore possibly seeing a psychiatrist for ADHD.
Have a read of this OP:
www.additudemag.com/adhd-in-girls-women/

What did you want them to do? Going to see the school counsellor seems like a good move as a starting point to assess her needs.

DDs school didn't really offer any suggestions when I told them I was pursuing a private autism diagnosis for DD but when I outlined what she found difficult and what solutions I thought would help her they were more than happy to implement them, things like a toilet pass, a time out card to go to the quiet room when needed, seating so that she was at the back and on her own if possible or sat with a friend or quiet child, not putting her on the spot so asking her a question and coming back to her once she's had time to process and prepare her answer.

Whilst she may not have autism her symptoms do sound very similar to what a lot of girls experience and present as, resistance to change (maintenance of sameness), executive dysfunction, very bright but underperforms in tests possibly to do with processing or the wording of the question, struggles with social skills with peers, anxiety.

DDs autism wouldn't have been picked up by school she is a master at masking and appears on the surface as a very bright and confident woman. Once she started High School everything started to fall apart and that initially happened at home where she felt safe and then those panic feelings bubbled through to school time too. She struggles massively with noise and not being able to maintain sameness. When she gets home she shuts down and just needs to 'turn everything off' if she doesn't and its been a difficult day (difficult because of loudness or minor changes like supply teachers etc) then she tends to internalise everything until it erupts as hyperventilating and panic attacks.

What is it you want? What does your daughter feel may make a difference? Maybe go back and ask for that to be put in place? As a teacher I get so fed up at the thought that it’s our job to sort out whatever the issue is but we’re not psychologists and therefore our hands are tied in the depth and delivery of any response. However, it sounds like they haven’t offered anything at all so turn it around and ask for what you want/need and see if it helps. It may just be the wrong school for your DD.m

Everything everyone else has said but also investigate if there could be simple physical causes for some of her issues.

Take her to the opticians and also get her hearing checked. She may have been managing through primary school and secondary is showing up an issue (using an ipad when she's not used to it could cause eye strain but just as likely she needs glasses/different glasses)

Is she eating and drinking adequately for her new routine? Low blood sugar and dehydration can make life seem impossible to navigate. If she's leaving home earlier or struggling with lunch queues she may not be taking in enough food. Or she may be eating the wrong foods for her.

It’s six weeks in, a lot of kids struggle with the change between primary and high school so although it is totally understandable that you are unhappy and frustrated I think it is way to early to be thinking of a different school, even if you could find one with a Y7 space. I was pretty pissed off that despite being there from Y3 and getting learning support DS’ private Sydney school hadn’t actually passed on the info to the high school (pre-school - Y12 school) that he was dyslexic. I ended up doing 1:1 with all his teachers to talk about how he could be supported in every class. The upside is that generally teachers will be available and happy to meet with you. I do think though that you need to be approaching it from the perspective of “this is what she needs” rather than “what are you going to do about it” as a precious poster has suggested. There are huge numbers of kids now with anxiety/depression so I think the suggestion of seeing the school psychologist was a reasonable one. I think you do need to be supportive of the school in front of your daughter, if she picks up on the fact that you think the school is not supporting her it is just likely to feed her idea that it’s not a safe space.

Putting her iPad into nights shift mode might help her eye strain.

My DDs vision deteriorated quite suddenly around year 6/7 from 20/20 to not being able to read very well from the board if sat at the back of a class the optician said it was really common and to do with growth spurts and hormones during puberty and sometimes vision improved a bit once the child is grown