AIBU - I don’t know how to act in a relationship

Portapotty · 2023-03-10T02:18:28+00:00

I’m 35 and been casually meeting a guy for fwb….. now he says he likes me and we are going on a proper date. ive never had a boyfriend/relationship that was functional. I’m just shy and always meet losers… I also got a lot of therapy. Just how am I supposed to act on a date and everything in between! Im now convinced I’m a rebound and he was drunk when he messaged me….. although I know he also likes me, I like him. nervous, excited, don’t want to her hurt. AIBU to think anyone would like me and I could have a functional relationship at my age! My first one!

cassiatwenty · 10/03/2023 02:24

Get to know him a bit. Let him get to know you. Don't share traumas or TMI. By taking things slow, you'll figure out if you want it to progress or if he's for someone else.

Better to take it slow and sensible

Original poster

Portapotty · 10/03/2023 02:26

cassiatwenty · 10/03/2023 02:24

Get to know him a bit. Let him get to know you. Don't share traumas or TMI. By taking things slow, you'll figure out if you want it to progress or if he's for someone else.

Better to take it slow and sensible

Thanks for that.

i have a hard time opening up to people….but he’s asked me about stuff and without telling the dissertation which includes trauma how am I supposed to talk to him?

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Original poster

Portapotty · 10/03/2023 02:26

He’s also only been split up for 9 months…. 6 year relationship. Is that too soon?

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cassiatwenty · 10/03/2023 02:33

Talk about hobbies, try to find shared interests, share an anecdote from work. You can talk about comedians or just go bowling together. Small talk serves a useful function of seeing if he's a safe person for you in the future.

Don't overstay and expect too much, if you feel too nervous, give yourself permission to leave and refresh.

You don't owe him anything yet. Ok to say no, I don't know, maybe not. He will respect you more, not less.

Don't do anything you wouldn't advise your sister or bestie to you. Be gentle with yourself. It's ok if it's not perfect, you're just learning a bit.

cassiatwenty · 10/03/2023 02:37

Portapotty · 10/03/2023 02:26

He’s also only been split up for 9 months…. 6 year relationship. Is that too soon?

It doesn't have to be too soon if you click.

🙂

Original poster

Portapotty · 10/03/2023 02:57

cassiatwenty · 10/03/2023 02:33

Talk about hobbies, try to find shared interests, share an anecdote from work. You can talk about comedians or just go bowling together. Small talk serves a useful function of seeing if he's a safe person for you in the future.

Don't overstay and expect too much, if you feel too nervous, give yourself permission to leave and refresh.

You don't owe him anything yet. Ok to say no, I don't know, maybe not. He will respect you more, not less.

Don't do anything you wouldn't advise your sister or bestie to you. Be gentle with yourself. It's ok if it's not perfect, you're just learning a bit.

I’m comfortable around him…. Which is good so it’s easy to chat etc. just I guess I think I’m boring and don’t have many friends :/

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Aintnosupermum · 10/03/2023 03:08

Dates are like a children’s play date, 2 hours is plenty, 90mins is better. Anything more than that and you don’t leave them wanting to know more about you. Most activities are completed in 90min to 2 hours.

Summer2424 · 10/03/2023 03:20

Hi @Portapotty you can definitely be in a fuctional relationship at your age. With the trauma you have been through in the past you'll be more cautious but that's ok. Enjoy dating this guy, it's a lovely time to get to know each other x

Original poster

Portapotty · 10/03/2023 03:32

Summer2424 · 10/03/2023 03:20

Hi @Portapotty you can definitely be in a fuctional relationship at your age. With the trauma you have been through in the past you'll be more cautious but that's ok. Enjoy dating this guy, it's a lovely time to get to know each other x

Umm I guess just my mum was emotionally neglectful/not there so I’ve had to learn it all and had therapy etc. she looked after me just didn’t care for my emotions so I was emotionally stunted. Had to learn to love myself and learn emotion, regulations etc. therapy for many years…. All self funded as I was overseas

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Original poster

Portapotty · 10/03/2023 03:35

Aintnosupermum · 10/03/2023 03:08

Dates are like a children’s play date, 2 hours is plenty, 90mins is better. Anything more than that and you don’t leave them wanting to know more about you. Most activities are completed in 90min to 2 hours.

Thanks.

he’s sleeped over a couple of times already…. So this time we are going out for dinner

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Aintnosupermum · 10/03/2023 03:39

Enjoy your dinner!

Try not to overthink it and just be your lovely self. If it doesn’t work out, that’s ok. You aren’t going to be compatible with everyone.

FortofPud · 10/03/2023 03:40

You aren't boring, you're just you. If he finds that to ve boring then that means he's not right for you, rather than you're not good enough for him. Focus on juat enjoying the date and also deciding whether YOU think HE is interesting enough, likeable, easy to chat to etc, and don't waste a moment worrying about whether he thinks you're up to scratch.

There is absolutely no reason you can't have a functional relationship. Absolutely loads of people don't have a functional relationship in their youth. You might never notice them because they're in relationships that appear normal on the surface, but many have similar experiences to you.

I'd say don't talk about any one thing for too long. You can always come back to it, but think rule stops you from over doing any particular story or topic all at once. Have a few questions ready for a lull in conversation.

silverlentils · 10/03/2023 04:34

Don't go into too much detail about your past trauma. If your history comes up, just say you had a difficult upbringing and have worked hard to put it behind you. And that you would like to take a relationship slowly (this gives you time to emotionally process everything in-between dates)

As you get to know him more in a few months and when the relationship is settled and he knows you for you as you are now, you could go into more detail.

SleekMamma · 10/03/2023 04:52

So you are having sex with him but you've never just hung out together talking? Which is what a date is surely.

JMSA · 10/03/2023 05:24

Agree with the others about not oversharing. Making oneself vulnerable is like a green flag to an abusive man. Not that yours is, I'm sure! It's just worth noting anyway. I hope that it works out for you, I really do. I don't think it's ideal that he messaged you while drunk to say that he likes you but hey, they do say that alcohol loosens the tongue! Relax, enjoy, have fun ... but keep your wits about you always.

Original poster

Portapotty · 10/03/2023 08:17

Thanks all

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Original poster

Portapotty · 10/03/2023 08:37

JMSA · 10/03/2023 05:24

Agree with the others about not oversharing. Making oneself vulnerable is like a green flag to an abusive man. Not that yours is, I'm sure! It's just worth noting anyway. I hope that it works out for you, I really do. I don't think it's ideal that he messaged you while drunk to say that he likes you but hey, they do say that alcohol loosens the tongue! Relax, enjoy, have fun ... but keep your wits about you always.

I don’t know if he’s drunk….

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Portapotty · 10/03/2023 11:51

SleekMamma · 10/03/2023 04:52

So you are having sex with him but you've never just hung out together talking? Which is what a date is surely.

Yes. He’s sleeped over a few times and also been at my house a lot.

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cassiatwenty · 10/03/2023 12:40

45 minutes and you leave him wanting for moar

Original poster

Portapotty · 10/03/2023 12:47

cassiatwenty · 10/03/2023 12:40

45 minutes and you leave him wanting for moar

Lol it was supposed to be like that the day we meet…. Expect a one of.

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