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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Snoring AIBU

25 replies

Bex268 · 09/03/2023 19:41

My husband is a very heavy snorer, so much so that even when sleeping in another room he wakes me. It’s hideous and I’m chronically sleep deprived. I don’t get more than four to five hours every night and it’s never consecutive hours but always disturbed.

this has been going on since lockdown when he gained quite a bit of weight.

we have a little boy who is autistic and his sleep can be challenging at times too.

I had s breakdown on Monday at work and just cried and cried and was eventually sent home. I can’t keep up - I’m too tired. I can’t think straight. Since Monday my husband has left to stay with his mum and I’ve been sleeping through and I feel just like my normal self.

I don’t want to divorce my husband but I’m so resentful of his weight gain and consequently his snoring. I still find him physically attractive so that’s not an issue - it’s just the snoring. I e tried everything, nothing helps.

he has been to the doctors, got s mouth guard but claims it’s too uncomfortable to wear. It works when he does wear it. Now he doesn’t want to come home, says he is sick of my attitude and depression (I’m not depressed, just sleep deprived). His mum thinks I was ridiculous to ask him to leave in the first place.

I don’t know what to do. Am I really making a mountain out of a molehill?

I feel I need to be at my best for my son and he can’t have me sleep deprived every day.

OP posts:
thenightsky · 09/03/2023 19:45

I actually turned down a proposal of marriage on the grounds that DP snored like a bastard and refused to address his weight issue. He used to turn it around on me, saying... 'no, you need to address your light sleeping issue'. The End.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/03/2023 19:49

He is sick of yoir attitude to him waking you up hourly and your 'depression'? Fuck him. Completely and utterly, fuck him. Another man completely fucking up someones life, even if it's an unintended consequence, but instead of trying to find a way to tackle it together just tells the woman it's her fault for not just putting up with his complete disregard for her wanting to live like a normal person. He cant even wear a mouthgaurd because it's not comfortable but expects you to survive on half the sleep that you should? The selfishness is unbelievable

FetchezLaVache · 09/03/2023 19:50

You poor thing, sleep deprivation is the fucking worst. You are definitely not making a mountain out of a molehill. You and DH need to work together to find a way to ensure that your sleep is not being regularly disturbed. If this week hasn't been a wake-up call to him that this is making you ill then you have to question how much he cares about your well-being, tbh.

LifeIsReallyGood · 09/03/2023 19:52

I've been there and it's an awful place to be.Him not caring how the lack of sleep is truly affecting you is just selfish.
For me the lack of sleep started to affect my mental health and it is truly detrimental to our health,that's when I told him he had to go to the doctor and get a sleep study done asap.I knew he had sleep apnea and needed a cpap.
Sure enough he did.It will save your marriage I promise!

Original poster
Bex268 · 09/03/2023 19:53

I feel like I should add that recently my behaviour has not been good 😔 I’ve been so angry at him, I’ve shouted and called him a pug repeatedly. I’m an awful person when I have no sleep night after night. At work I’m short tempered. On Saturday I even found myself shouting at my husband in public.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 09/03/2023 19:54

I snore like your husband. My DH has somehow miraculously managed to sleep through HOWEVER if he had at any point expressed sleeping difficulties I would have dealt with it.

As it goes I have now been diagnosed with sleep apnoea and got a CPAP 18 months ago. It’s bloody amazing.

Why would he not get treatment for himself as well as his family??

TheBabbaCrunch · 09/03/2023 19:58

I just came back from a long weekend city break with my mum who snored all night for 3 nights in a row and I was ready for killing her. I was being woken up at least 4 or 5 times during the night and then unable to sleep quickly again due to the racket. I was dreading night time as I knew I'd get no sleep! I was glad to get home because of it so I totally do not think you are being unreasonable at all! Sleep deprivation is actual torture.

Helenahandkart · 09/03/2023 21:05

I’m in almost exactly the same situation OP. It’s horrendous having so little sleep. I feel like I’m just existing. We’ve been in separate rooms for more than a year.

My DH only snores when he’s overweight or has a cold. At the moment he’s overweight. I’ve put him on a stealth diet. I need to lose some weight myself so I’m making low calorie meals and not buying any snack food and he’s losing weight without realising.

Could you maybe do the same? I know it might sound a bit sneaky and controlling, but my DH is too lazy to cook for himself, or sort out a solution to his snoring, so I decided that the only option was to take control of the situation.

MargaretThursday · 09/03/2023 21:20

Have you tried recording him to show what it sounds like?

Dh used to comment that I snored sometimes and he thought it was "cute". It's a bit like distinguishing between an electric car going past and an express train when he heard himself!

Tbf to dh he normally responds to an elbow in the ribs, and turns over which means he doesn't normally snore from that position.

DustyLee123 · 09/03/2023 21:25

You have resentment, that’s why you’re feeling angry. And you’re resentful due to his snoring. Don’t let him turn this on you.

TeenLifeMum · 09/03/2023 21:27

Dh snores when ill. I go in the spare bed - I’ve got zero tolerance for noise at night and need my sleep. I love dh, I truly do but without my sleep I can’t cope at all. How about a deal - he wears the mouth guard every other night and you’ll wear ear plug on the other nights?

LifeIsReallyGood · 09/03/2023 21:30

Bex268 · 09/03/2023 19:53

I feel like I should add that recently my behaviour has not been good 😔 I’ve been so angry at him, I’ve shouted and called him a pug repeatedly. I’m an awful person when I have no sleep night after night. At work I’m short tempered. On Saturday I even found myself shouting at my husband in public.

Yup,that's your exhaustion coming through and it's not pretty.
Will he do a sleep study for a cpap or not?

hedwigismyowl · 09/03/2023 21:31

My husband snores so much, like you, I could here him even if I slept on the sofa. After 9-10pm months of 4-5 hours sleep per night I, like you, broke down at work and had to leave early.

At this point he went to the GP and told him that his wife said he had sleep apnoea and the GP referred into the hospital where after tests, they 'formally' diagnosed it and he's now kn CPAP machine at night.

It's a very low humming noise, very quiet and much easier to sleep through.

Maybe you need to have the same conversation with your DH

mrsbyers · 09/03/2023 21:32

Can you not sleep in separate rooms ? We have separate rooms and I still need earplugs especially on a Saturday night when he likes a few beers - works for us and he even tried surgery to solve the issue

Colourfingers2 · 09/03/2023 21:34

Nobody can help the way they breathe in their sleep any more than they can control the way they dream or fart in their sleep furthermore GP’s and the NHS simply deny that there is any surgical intervention to cure it so therefore you are totally being unreasonable I’m afraid still OP perhaps you are as much able to help your judgmental attitude towards your husband as he is to help the way he breathes when he’s sleeping.

Helenahandkart · 09/03/2023 21:40

Colourfingers2 · 09/03/2023 21:34

Nobody can help the way they breathe in their sleep any more than they can control the way they dream or fart in their sleep furthermore GP’s and the NHS simply deny that there is any surgical intervention to cure it so therefore you are totally being unreasonable I’m afraid still OP perhaps you are as much able to help your judgmental attitude towards your husband as he is to help the way he breathes when he’s sleeping.

Absolute nonsense.
Weight plays a huge part in snoring. There are plenty of interventions her DH could try, if he cared to. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Mykittensmittens · 09/03/2023 21:55

Colourfingers2 · 09/03/2023 21:34

Nobody can help the way they breathe in their sleep any more than they can control the way they dream or fart in their sleep furthermore GP’s and the NHS simply deny that there is any surgical intervention to cure it so therefore you are totally being unreasonable I’m afraid still OP perhaps you are as much able to help your judgmental attitude towards your husband as he is to help the way he breathes when he’s sleeping.

Ridiculous.

had the OPs DH snored this way from day 1 she may have not chosen to co-habit or marry him!! He’s gained weight. It’s a fact that additional weight causes snoring or at least, exacerbates it. I know. I’ve been there.

my DH was an ignorant dickhead on this. So every single time he woke me up, I woke him up. Not a nudge. I woke him up. Every night I had a broken night, he did too. And he trained for an event, lost weight (couldn’t care less in any other aspect about this other than snoring) and he stopped. So I stopped waking him up. Then he gained the weight back and off we went again. Waking me every night, making me feel shit, resentment causing rows. So I woke him up again. We have a spare room, he has a choice now. Sleep in there, or keep his own health on par so he doesn’t snore again. Totally his choice.

AuntieStella · 09/03/2023 21:59

People can't help snoring, any more than they can help having an allergy

BUT - I voted YANBU

Because he's not doing everything he can to manage the condition (not wearing the guard that stops it, not dealing with the weight gain that precipitated it)

He doesn't seem to care about the impact on you, and that's not good

LifeIsReallyGood · 09/03/2023 22:02

Colourfingers2 · 09/03/2023 21:34

Nobody can help the way they breathe in their sleep any more than they can control the way they dream or fart in their sleep furthermore GP’s and the NHS simply deny that there is any surgical intervention to cure it so therefore you are totally being unreasonable I’m afraid still OP perhaps you are as much able to help your judgmental attitude towards your husband as he is to help the way he breathes when he’s sleeping.

Surgical cure,lol!
Oh please.Educate yourself. The man needs a cpap.Don't try invalidate the things op if actually going through as a result of her husband snoring. And you obviously don't know snoring can be caused by sleep apnea which IS a medical condition where you actually briefly stop breathing in your sleep.Which does require a cpap.
Google it:Sleep Apnea

Tailfeather · 09/03/2023 22:05

I have the same problem OP. We've been together for 20 years now and I am so resentful of him keeping me awake every night. I also sleep in the spare room most nights but can hear him through the walls. And holidays are a nightmare as there's no escape. No answer. Sending an understanding hug. X

ChickenDhansak82 · 09/03/2023 22:09

He snores because he is fat.

His refusal to do anything about his weight says it all. He is selfish!

I struggle with sleep due to insomnia so a non snoring partner was essential. My DH snores if he drinks too much so he has to sleep elsewhere if he has been drinking!

Your OH has to decide what is important. Food or wife/health.

follygirl · 09/03/2023 22:35

My husband has just lost 2 stone and has completely stopped snoring. He's so quiet I sometimes worry he's dead.
Your husband needs to prioritise your sleep and wear the mouth guard.

Invisibleeye · 09/03/2023 23:06

I have a CPAP and it’s changed my life. He is being incredibly selfish. Perhaps you could explain to him how much better he would feel if he persevered with the mouth guard and got decent sleep himself? Having said this, I think his attitude in terms of his comfort (and let’s be honest.. it’s only short term discomfort until he gets used to it!) coming above your well-being is a worrying sign.

fuckitfuckitall · 09/03/2023 23:14

I've slept with ear plugs for 11 years now.
We're currently separating and I can't wait to not need them anymore
STBXH sleeps on his side with mouth closed. He needs his adenoids removing I suspect but as it's not his problem, it won't be ever be resolved

Colourfingers2 · 09/03/2023 23:40

LifeIsReallyGood · 09/03/2023 22:02

Surgical cure,lol!
Oh please.Educate yourself. The man needs a cpap.Don't try invalidate the things op if actually going through as a result of her husband snoring. And you obviously don't know snoring can be caused by sleep apnea which IS a medical condition where you actually briefly stop breathing in your sleep.Which does require a cpap.
Google it:Sleep Apnea

Show quote history

I have sleep apnoea and most nights I awake on the hour every hour however I cannot sleep with a mask on or something whirring away beside me. Traffic noise from outside is bad enough. So naturally I asked for a surgical intervention which was denied as being unavailable on the NHS. Naturally this is shortening my life although I don’t know how much but I’m fine with it because at almost half a century old I feel it’s gone on for long enough already plus I don’t really feel like I belong in the 21st century anymore if I ever did. Finally in case anyone asks yes I do have children and they’re all doing well and going to be just fine.

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