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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Retrospective Jealousy

22 replies

DancingQueenBaby · 09/03/2023 16:42

I feel so silly typing this.

I dont know why but I am sooo jealous of my Bfs ex.

The thing is, they havent spoken since splitting up (Nov 2021). She is no longer on his social media, they never keep in touch and do not have mutual friends. He'll mention her occasionally, although, I think he anxious to do this now.

I dont know why but I cant stop thinking about their "perfect" life together.

They bought a home together within a year of dating and broke up 6 years after that. They are both divorced and both agreed that they didnt want to get married ever again. They also never planned to have children but she fell pregnant by suprise and then they suffered a miscarriage. He said they never spoke about children again and he is happy they never had kids as it would have been a big mistake. She then finished things with him, he said it was a relief as they were both instantly happier and in retrospect, they werent right together.

He said he "settled" with her that he was happy with what they had and thought it was the best that was going to happen. He said his feelings for his ex wife was stronger than his feelings for his ex. Then he met me, he says I am the love of his life and he has never felt this way before. He wants it all with me, marriage, kids, and he says he has never been this excited talking or planning a future. We have been with each other 1.5 years. Last weekend we were watching a movie and the main character was pregnant. We then started chatting about baby names and got into a lovely conversation about what our future house will look like, what he will be like as a dad, and what I will be like as a mum. He did have a few wines but he started crying and said that he has never been this happy and that I have changes his whole view of love.

I went snooping the other day though, I dont know why, trying to feed my insecurities and found a bunch of love tokens (yknow the type... little tokens for breakfast in bed, pub lunch etc.). I then snooped a second time and found two little cards that he had written out for Christmas gifts one year. I told him I snooped and he was upset. He said he has nothing to hide and I can snoop all I want but its the reason why I snooped because I dont trust him. He said he forgot he even had those things as they were in a drawer when he moved rooms when they split (before she moved out). They two little cards he said he thought they were little envelopes and didnt check inside, he thought they would be useful for christmas this year.

He said he is serious about a future with me, and if he wanted an easy life he wouldnt be with me because of all the interrogations about his ex. He said he wants us both to work through it but I must want to change first.

I know I have a problem. However, do you think he is truthful, do I have a good man that I am pushing away??

Help x

OP posts:

Kellogscorncrakes · 09/03/2023 16:54

I fear you're going to get a bit of a battering on here but I just wanted to get in early to say I've been through this so no exactly how you feel. I would obsess over exes, even those from years ago who my partner was only with briefly. I'd create huge scenarios in my head of the amazing times they had together, any mention of them would produce a physical response in me, racing heart etc. Deep down I knew this wasn't right but a louder voice would tell me that I was right to feel like this, that I was being wronged somehow.
I'm only able to reflect like this after extensive therapy which looked at where this response was coming from and ways to manage it. It's much better for me now and I'd honestly recommend the same, it'll help. You will push your partner away if you continue to fixate on this but it can get better!

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 09/03/2023 16:59

Blimey, you say I know I’ve a problem but do you think he’s truthful . You can’t stop and clearly have significant issues and what you did, that snooping is such an invasion of privacy.

you need to get help in the form of counselling.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 09/03/2023 17:02

These are your issues, not his. Get help before he runs off.

BIL is in a relationship like this, and we tell him to leave every time he tells us the latest issue his GF has invented in her head

RedEyeBaby · 09/03/2023 18:41

I still have a couple of the nicer cards / letters from my ex, 20 years on. I am not a believer in the ex-boyfriend bonfire à la Phoebe from friends. I am open with my husband, and he's not really interested. Neither of us give it any headspace.

Youfeelme · 09/03/2023 18:49

If my husband went snooping on me, at any point in our relationship, I'd end it. It shows a clear lack of trust and I'd never base a relationship on it.

Chikapu · 09/03/2023 18:50

No one can tell you if he's actually a good man but we can all tell you that interrogating anyone is going to get on their last nerve very quickly. You don't trust him so you shouldn't be planning a future with him or anyone else for that matter. Sort yourself out first.

vincettenoir · 09/03/2023 18:53

I think you would benefit from talking therapy to find out what it is from your past that makes the mention of his ex so triggering for you. It might be difficult to get there on your own.

BringItOn2023 · 09/03/2023 18:56

I had OCD type thoughts about a partner and his ex. Really horrible. Don't feed the green eyed monster.

Kitchenette · 09/03/2023 18:59

Snooping etc is not on and a sure-fire route to fuck up your relationship. Stop it.

I occasionally felt a bit like this in the early days with DH. What helped was to channel it into something positive- "lucky me going out with such a desirable man" rather than letting it become negative.

Justeatmorecake · 09/03/2023 19:02

I bet lots of us have felt similar so don’t beat yourself up, you love him and that’s why you care so much. However you need to be strong and focus on changing those negative thoughts whenever they pop up. You can break the habit, just start now.

Jimboscott0115 · 09/03/2023 19:07

If he's got half a brain he'll run a mile from you OP unless you get some sort of help and soon.

Every woman on here would be told this and it's the same for your partner - he's found someone who won't be happy until she destroys the relationship and makes his life hell.

Mortimercat · 09/03/2023 19:13

I have no idea if he is a good guy or not, but yes you are going to push him away if you carry on like this. He is allowed a past. I met my husband when he was 30, of course he had a past, of course he had previous relationships and loved other people before me, just as I did before him. The present and future are all I care about.

LesserBohemians · 09/03/2023 19:46

Justeatmorecake · 09/03/2023 19:02

The ‘you love him, that’s why you —care so much— are irrationally jealous and snooping in his belongings’ is a really pernicious fiction.

OP, these are your issues. Work on them.

SuperfastJellyfish · 09/03/2023 20:24

I've experienced these feelings I relationships before so I know exactly where you are coming from, but snooping like this never ends well.
You just drive yourself mad and eventually push the other person away.
As others have said, this is your issue, not his.
Stop feeding your insecurities and have a little faith
Xx

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2023 20:31

Did you post something very similar but phrased in a slightly more terrifying way including being jealous of her miscarriage? I read that thread a few days ago.

You do need to change. With professional help. As soon as possible.

I don’t think most of us have felt this way. He had a life before you. You had one before him. You’re obsessing in a really unhealthy way and you’re going to scare him off if you don’t stop.

I expect his boundaries are already pretty poor as he’s giving you a second chance. You’re taking advantage of that, not good.

Wondering101 · 09/03/2023 20:53

I have experienced this type of jealousy. It was a mental health issue so for the posters saying "pull yourself together" it's not that simple (I wish it was). We know it's wrong but like ocd it just won't stop. I had counselling op. It helped as it was all wrapped up in very low self esteem for me. I thought I wasn't good enough to be loved so I self sabataged my relationship with this behaviour. If you research quiet bpd and retroactive jealousy you might find some helpful you tube videos. I'm not saying you have bpd I'm just saying the advice for this helped me. Good luck.

Yulelogs · 09/03/2023 21:21

Try to live with the jealousy, just sit with it when you feel it and don’t act on it. It will pass and get better.

His ex was a special person in his life for a long time, it’s okay if he wants to hang onto some cards.

Even if you get married, there’s always going to be a chance that anyone you are with might fall in love with someone else or leave you for an ex right? It’s a risk with anyone. Nothing you can do to change it so just try to not focus on feeling jealous and live in the moment. Focus on enjoying your life and making your time together special!

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 10/03/2023 09:30

rifling through his drawers though op, I’m not sure I could forgive that , especially as I’m not even sure you live together . If I has a boyfriend who went rifling through my drawers behind my back looking at all my personal stuff I’d end it. I’d not want to be with someone with that level of issues personally. I think your partner has behaved very reasonably in the face of it, it is now on you to get mental health support.

bozzabollix · 10/03/2023 09:34

My first serious relationship was ruined by behaviour like this which escalated into him being fairly abusive.

Jealousy is a very destructive emotion that will wreck your relationship. It also escalates as it gets fed by reassurance. You need to let this go. If you can’t by yourself seek help.

purpledalmation · 10/03/2023 09:50

Carry on like this and you will lose a good man. Sort out your insecurities and stop projecting them onto him.

IHaveaSetOfVeryParticularSkills · 10/03/2023 09:53

One snoop, current would become an ex. He needs to get bit more self worth.

Why are you in relationship eith someone you don't trust? You are just making everyone's, especially their, life hard for no good reason.

Ttwinkletoes · 10/03/2023 10:02

If you feel excessively emotionall triggered than is justified by a situation it can be triggering the emotions from an upsetting event in your past- could this be it.

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