To think OLD gets a bad rap on here?

[2023a]

I loved it. It was my primary way of dating in my late 20’s and early 30’s. I met lots of lovely men, had lots of fun dates, two short relationships (both circa one year) with men I’m still amicable with and eventually met DH. Now very happily married. My friends have had similar experiences - pretty much everyone I know met their spouse online.

I read lots of horror stories on here and they just aren’t reflective of my experience. And, logically, it must work for lots of people, or nobody would do it.

So, I thought I’d ask - anyone else a really massive fan of OLD?

I really enjoyed dating. I OLD-ed for about two years and just viewed each date, regardless of the outcome, as an opportunity to meet somebody new and visit a new pub or bar. What’s not to like? I went on a lot of dates which didn’t become relationships - but I met a lot of interesting men and women and had some great evenings, and some did become friendships; and I never once had a bad date or met a bad man.

In September this year, I’ll be getting married to the loud, brash dude from Detroit who I wasn’t really sure about when I accepted the request for a first date; or at the end of it, when he asked if I’d like a second. Perhaps that’s the reason for my OLD success: I never got overly invested or built first dates up into anything they couldn’t possibly be.

I met my husband OLD but I had to sift through alot crap to find him! I probably blocked 80% of who I matched with because they normally just went straight to sex talk which is grim or there was just something off about them.

@AlmostaMamma I've been OLD on and off since my marriage broke down. Nearly 4 years ago. I realised early on that I wasn't ready to date so came off and then went back on once I'd worked on myself. I don't consider any of my experiences 'harrowing'. It's simply not fun.

I have no issues with conversations going nowhere, it's part of the process. I do have issues with people being flakey. A simple 'thanks but no thanks' text goes a long way. To just stop speaking especially after arranging a 2nd date or subsequent date is rude. I wouldn't treat my friends or family that way and I don't expect it from anyone else.

It's just my personal experience and my personal preference. I'll keep going as it clearly works for so many people. I would love to be a success story at some point.

You used the word ‘awful’, not ‘harrowing’, my bad. None of that is awful.

I do have issues with people being flakey. A simple 'thanks but no thanks' text goes a long way. To just stop speaking especially after arranging a 2nd date or subsequent date is rude. I wouldn't treat my friends or family that way and I don't expect it from anyone else.

They aren’t your family or friends. As I said above, you don’t know them. Stop caring a putt stuff like this.

As someone who enjoyed OLD and met their husband on an app, I think you need to reframe your attitude if you’re going to get anything positive out of this. ‘It’s awful, but I’ll do it to meet someone’ isn’t really the mindset in which people meet someone. I’m genuinely trying to be helpful here.

@Wannabegreenfingers This is the sort of mindset that I’m talking about. If you approach things like this, you simply cannot have an awful time.

@AlmostaMamma I haven't taken either of your posts as a negative. I clearly need to approach online dating with a more positive attitude - I hope I do this each time. I certainly feel like I do, maybe subconsciously I'm not...

It probably doesn't help that I'm very guarded of my free time. As a single parent who only gets every other weekend - I am upfront and honest with anyone I chat with about this and except my availability is limited and won't work for everyone.

I think my view is quite a balance.

I did it for several years before meeting an absolutely great man (about 9 months in so relatively early days but we get on brilliantly, all open and honest and I'm glad I held out for someone I have so much in common with).

Several relationships/ flings several months long and one year-long. Still friendly with a small number of the men I met, one close (he's met my DP even).

At the time i got absolutely sick of it and despaired of meeting anyone i had a genuine connection with in time to have a family.

However, in retrospect, aside for a few real arses (would-be abusers who showed their colours relatively early luckily), it wasn't too bad just a bit disappointing when I'd have yet another date that went nowhere.

I think that keeping careful boundaries helped as I got prematurely heartbroken a couple of times early on when I should still have been at the no investment stage. I learned that the way is no long chats before meeting, nothing holds any weight until you know them in person and bail if you get a bad feeling or they're not matching your interest or effort.

I met some interesting people though and had some nice nights out etc. With a bit of distance it was all fine, but a bit tough at the time as the stakes were high re biological clock etc.

I agree. I'm in my 50s and have met a string of pleasant, solvent men around my own age. Obviosuly I ignore/block anyone with red flags waving - and can only assume that some of the unlucky women are just not engaging their ciritcal thinking skills when perusing online dates!

@hugefanofcheese I think you hit the nail on the head 'disappointing when it doesn't go anywhere'.

Having come out of divorce and all that goes with that. Most of the people that I chat to are just 'meh'. I've worked incredibly hard to get myself in a great position in my life. I'm just disappointed that I can't connect with someone enough to share it all with.

I spent about 6 months OLD before meeting my now husband through Tinder. I met some very interesting, sometimes quirky, people before DH came along. It was pretty easy to work out who was genuine and who wasn't (I avoided anyone with a topless photo and focussed on people who'd taken the time to write a bit of a bio - not sure if that helped)

I disagree with a PP who said that if you're OLD in your 40s then there must be something wrong/there were past issues/baggage etc. That was quite insulting to read as someone who just hadn't met the right one up to that point. No drama, no issues, just time slipping away without meeting the right person.

If it hadn't been for OLD I would never have met my DH as we lived 15 miles apart and moved in different circles. Can't speak for everyone but it worked for me.

I've got a slightly different angle in that I am usually looking for additional types of relationship rather than seeking one monogamous one. But I find OLD quite easy to interpret so never really understand why people are saying it's so much worse than meeting people "naturally" or "in real life'.

If you're a social media user with a comfortable online presence and identity, then you can check out the etiquette and behaviour of online matches. The way you text and write a bio and use the online world sends signals about you - just like the way you might notice your crush at work say hi to a colleague or tidy up the mugs after a meeting, little things that make you know they're a sensible, nice person.

I don't think I am less "real" online.

In fact if someone met me at work or even at, say, an old school friend's party, they'd not see my sexy, silly, more intimate side, while someone meeting me online might see that first, free from the trappings of daily life.

And once you know someone's real name, job etc, their online presence gives you 100 more clues. You can lightly stalk them online and often end up getting the thrill of the chase and fancying them a bit more! Nothing like checking out some obscure YouTube video of a 2015 conference on aeronautics engineering to sneak a peek at a younger version of your man talking about European regulatory frameworks.

Met DH using it, we were in a "proper" relationship within a month and got married 4 years later so my general experience is pretty good.

Appreciate this was 7 years ago though so don't really know what the scene is like now.

Love this! 💗

All perfectly fair. I didn’t want kids at all until I met DH, so the biological clock didn’t feature in the equation at all. I might have been a bit more stressed out if that had been a factor.

and can only assume that some of the unlucky women are just not engaging their critical thinking skills when perusing online dates

I sometimes think this, then wonder if I’m being unkind/victim blaming. I really don’t want to blame people for having poor luck, but there is the occasional post that makes one scratch one’s head.

I disagree with a PP who said that if you're OLD in your 40s then there must be something wrong/there were past issues/baggage etc. That was quite insulting to read as someone who just hadn't met the right one up to that point. No drama, no issues, just time slipping away without meeting the right person.

I rather thought that, but figured it wasn’t my place to disagree with someone in their 40’s about what dating in your 40’s is like.

Delighted things worked out for you!

I know so many great people who met equally great people doing OLD. Several are now married. All met at least ten years ago though. I get the impression that Tinder etc are more brutal?

If you're a social media user with a comfortable online presence and identity, then you can check out the etiquette and behaviour of online matches. The way you text and write a bio and use the online world sends signals about you - just like the way you might notice your crush at work say hi to a colleague or tidy up the mugs after a meeting, little things that make you know they're a sensible, nice person.

This is brilliant and I don’t know why it hasn’t occurred to me before! Like you say, I can read a profile or a message and it’s really obvious to me that someone is a sleaze or rather sweet. And there are people (irl and on MN) who simply can’t do that. I’m often really surprised by this inability, but I’ve never articulated it in the way that you have.

They don’t get the online signals that are so glaring to someone who knows what they’re looking at and that can lead to all sorts of unfortunate outcomes.

You’re a genius. 😁

I've had some horrible experiences with OLD. It at the same time I also met my husband though a dating app. It was an entirely awful experience for me xx

Can I ask what was awful about it? Totally understand if you’d rather not share!

I have never really done OLD. I met my XH over 20 years ago when online dating was uncommon and really not something younger people did. What puts me off now is that I've dipped my toe in a couple of times and had a couple of chats but each time I've gotten a strong vibe that the man I'm talking to is married. When I was younger, I inadvertently has a ons with a man in a ltr and I hate that, I don't want to play a part in hurting someone.

And while obviously men have always cheated on their wives, I think, realistically, OLD makes it easier for that kind of man to find women to cheat with. I'd rather meet someone through real life so I could get a better feel for if they are genuinely single.

I loved online dating (late 30's). Probably went on 20 dates over 18 months. Still good friends with one date, and 3 years and counting with my now fiancé who was a POF meet.

I learnt early though to arrange a first meet within a week, else sack them off.

Only had one 'bad' date which was an ill informed mutual booty call. Only bad in that I was mildly cat fished and ended up with a crap shag in a less than ideal situation 🤷‍♂️

Ah, good. I know tone doesn’t necessarily come across on here and was worried it sounded like I was getting at you.

Single parenthood and time limitations definitely complicate things and you have very valid reasons for being cautious and guarding your time. I just want to please try to have fun. Wishing you the best of luck.

I blush, @2023a! Maybe we should go on a date 😂