Could this work?

[LovesaHoliday]

I've been dating a really lovely man and think it could be something special. The only problem is we live about 45 minutes away from each other both with DC from previous relationships (him 2 x DS and me 1 x DD). Our children have met previously a couple of times as we were friends for years but since dating we've kept it just between the two of us to avoid any confusion. However, It's approaching the time were we want to start spending time all together.
That in itself is very exciting and I have no reservations on that but what is worrying me is going forward how do we make our lives work together whilst living in different areas? I guess my main worry would be if after a couple of years we want to live together, how do people do it when their kids go to school in different areas (we both have ex partners who have the children 50/50 so we couldn't move them out of school as that wouldn't be fair on anyone)? Has anyone been in this position and been able to have a successful relationship?

I guess my AIBU would be - am I being unreasonable in thinking this could work?

How long have you been dating and how old are the children involved?

Ima single parent

dating fine blending families- absolutely never ever ever. My children’s home is their home and no way am I expecting my children to share with my boyfriend and other children. I went my teen daughter to be able to laze around in her nightie and not feel self conscious for example!

We've been dating around 6/7 months and the children are 5 (his DS and my DD) and 8 (his DS).
Obviously we are no where near blending families, just at first meet stage at the minute.

so young and so early on. Just enjoy couple time and no need for all get togethers surely?

If it's genuinely 45 minutes then is it feasible to live in the middle? 20-25 mins is not too bad a school run tbh.

But yes you're worrying about this way too early.

Ah @Vegrocks and @namechange3394 thank you. Yes we defo don't need family meet ups at the minute I suppose my worry would be getting invested and then realising it wouldn't work further down the line when we'll be heartbroken. But I think you're right, just enjoy our time together now and if its right we'll find a way to make it work in the future.

Far too early to be even thinking about this .. just enjoy dating. And read the step parent boards before you even think about blending families.

@Ragwort Great advice thank you.

This was my exact situation and we tried to "make it work" for about 5 / 6 years but unfortunately it didn't. We could never take the next step of living together and it got to the point where we both felt like we were missing out on a "normal" family life.

Sorry that's probably not what you wanted to hear, I do wish you the best of luck 🤞

There’s loads of different ways this could work. However, you won’t know if they work for until later.

You are worrying about something that could be years away (moving in together) and could have decided, by then, that you prefer to live apart until the kids are older. Not all relationships have to have an end goal of living together within the next few years.

You could move between the two. But that could impact applications for secondary school, putting you out of catchment for a school you or your child want. Or it could be fine.

Or you could split for other reasons. Or one of yours exes could move making it less complicated. Or more complicated.

No one can tell you how it will pan out. Take it slow and see what happens.

There are a lot of practical blockers if you plan to live together. Like you would both need to be willing to commute or how the kids lives will be affected by longer school runs and living with other kids. I think this is why a previous poster said she plans to date and not have a live in relationship.

Something to think about.

@CheersForThatEh Yes exactly! Those are things going through my head at the minute (I know it's very early though). With our kids being so young I really don't want to say we'll just date until they leave home as that's another 13 years and the reason I separated from my partner was I wanted a chance to be happy and have a loving family (not necessarily anymore children though).

You say definitely don’t want meet ups

But in your Op you say

However, It's approaching the time were we want to start spending time all together.

😐

@Vegrocks No I said we definitely don't need meet ups if its not the right time but we would like them in the not so distant future.

Personally - I wouldn’t .

keep it just couples, which given you both have 50:50 should be very straightforward.

neither your nor his children are set to benefit from get togethers or blending years down the line.

@Vegrocks I think we'll probably just have our own opinions on that. Fundamentally I want to be married again and have that family life and that wouldn't be possible by not moving in together or blending our families so that needs to be the ultimate goal in my eyes. Obviously there is lots of time to get to that stage but that is where I would want to end up (either with this DP or someone else in the future).

Why is it so important to you to have the nuclear family?

I am a single parent and my children and I are so happy. How long have you been divorced? It can’t be long if only a 5 year old. So perhaps you need to consider how to make your current family… something that makes you happier and that you’d be happy if you never met another man?

But she has met another man. One she hopes to have a long term future with.

@Vegrocks I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your choices and if you and your children are happy that's brilliant.

Well 45 mins in London is nothing, so I'd say it is manageable. Nothing wrong with seeing if it could work down the line if that's what you want foe your future.

I do agree with others that blended families are often disastrous (honestly I've seen so many where kids are miserable and parents are in denial) but as long as you take it slow and put kids first at every stage, i suppose it could work. I'll be honest though - the times I've seen it work have been where parents haven't moved in for years and years.

In short - I don't think 45 mins is a huge problem, nor is it the biggest problem you'll encounter. Good luck

Are you not happy when not in nuclear family? Sorry I didn’t get that.

You don’t have to get it. We’re all different.

No I meant I didn’t get that from the info she’s provided (although yes I suppose I do also not “get” wanting a nuclear family rather than simply wanting a happy family… whatever form that takes)

@Vegrocks I am very happy with my family thank you but I also don't see anything wrong with wanting to have a partner to share life with. Each to their own I guess.

I don't think it's too soon to be ponder hyperthetical practicalities if you think the relationship has longevity, thats human nature. I do however think it's way too soon to be doing it!
There's a natural order to things. Firstly each set of children gets used to seeing Mum/Dad going out with their BF/GF. Partner then pops into house or is in the car together for short journeys. Next eat together. Next out with new person and just your kids. When they're used to new partner they go over to his house...gradually being introduced to other kids. Eventually both separate families feel comfortable staying at each parents house. Short holiday all of you together.....keep that up for a while THEN think seriously about setting up home together.
Unless there are additional needs I'd say the older child is the one that might find the adjustment the hardest and especially a school change. What senior schools are around both your areas. If you lived in your town or his I think that's acceptable but mid way would be perfect.

Best wishes. Hope next stage goes well