To think my daughter is in an abusive relationship?

[HoraceCharlie]

DD is 22.

She has been with her girlfriend on and off for 12 years. She has had other girlfriends in between.

It has always been slightly volitile- silly petty arguments of silly teenage/young adult things.

They have recently got their own place- her GF will argue with her and then kick her out. She’s come back several times covered in bruises and I think she has been self harming.

She has told me she isn’t happy but she’s her “comfort” blanket. Things will be OK for a couple of days and then it will kick off- she always has to be the centre of attention, if anyone is around them and DD pays attention to anyone else she will go off in a huff and then attack her.

I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

Sorry they have been going out since they were ten??? Get her to a gp re the self harm, the next time you see her bruised tell her you are ringing the police. You need to get her out now. Go round and see the girlfriend tell her you know everything and have pictures and that if she doesn’t F off you are reporting her to the police.

Well, you know she is

But as for what to do about it, support her- encourage her, build her self esteem, offer motherly chats about what healthy relationships should look like, and don't give her ultimatums to leave - prepare yourself that when she gets the courage to that will be the most dangerous time for her

See if she's open to doing any programs like the freedom program

Offer her activities away from it for respite where she can think clearly enough to figure things out

Gently remind her she doesn't want to lose the best years of her life when she could be enjoying herself and meeting and forming herself a healthy relationship- doesn't have to be via words

Until she's ready to leave- you can't do much more

Or go in heavy and call the police- but if she's living with her, please give her an escape first

If it's a bank account for getting away, a signal that alerts help needed immediately etc

In a relationship since she was 10??

Sometimes there's nothing you can do, she's an adult and much as it hurts to watch she is making her choices. Eventually she will see the errors but don't push to much or she will always go back to the gf and stop coming to you.

Post in Relationships!

It sounds like she is in a highly abusive, long-term relationship which may be difficult for her to leave. You will the personalities of your DD and the GF so will have a better idea than we do on the best way to approach things, but I doubt blasting in threatening the police will achieve much other than alienating your DD.

If you don’t know about toxic/abusive relationships, maybe do some research so you get an idea of what to expect and why things happen (abusers follow behaviour patterns so you can almost predict what they will do or say. Always having a crisis on their partners birthday so the day is ruined, making life difficult if their partner wants to meet friends/family so it becomes easier to stop seeing them etc). Both of you could do the Freedom Programme which will help her with boundaries and recognising abuse etc.

If they’ve being “girlfriends” since they were 10 then they’ve gone through really important emotional changes together so it may be extra difficult for your daughter to leave.

Does your daughter think the relationship is ok with a few problems or does she see that it is abusive? I’d say she needs help to leave and then some work to re-establish her boundaries because her relationship blueprint seems to have developed to see abuse as acceptable/normal.

A girlfriend since age 10?? Are you sure OP.

She had a girlfriend at 10 years old?? That's worrying just in itself if it wasn't a typo

Just want to see if that was a typo! Were they just childhood friends OP?

You need to make arrangements to get her out and away from.this woman who is abusing her.

Move out.

Report to police.