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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

20 replies

dramascream · 08/03/2023 20:20

I had a baby 8 months ago.
I go to visit my mum every couple of weeks and take the baby. I can't go more as I'm working.
My mum rarely comes to visit me. Since I moved out 10 years ago, she's been to my house around 8 times, and usually only when I pick her up and bring her here.

Every time she sees my DC she says over and over 'the baby doesn't even know who I am!' Which is probably true because she doesn't see her enough.

My mum texts me every other week saying thing like
'I really need to come and see you soon as the baby won't know who I am'. I always reply saying 'yes, just let us know when'. She always makes excuses why she can't.

She doesn't drive but her partner does and they go to lots of places together and they get public transport a lot.
I live about 4 miles away from her so it isn't far.

I feel bad but I feel like not taking the baby to see her just to see how long it takes for her to actually visit. It sounds childish, I know that. And I won't actually do this.
I just feel like I'm always the one to facilitate the relationships between DC and family because if I didn't take her to see people, they'd never visit us or have a relationship with her. I've always been the one visiting others, always.

My PIL's make so much effort to see DC. They always ask to see her and they come to pick her up and take her out. I'm so glad they do that, but it just highlights how little my mum bothers.

OP posts:

ObamaLlamas · 08/03/2023 20:24

It's not petty- stop taking her and see what happens
Then when it's ages, sit her down and explain how upset you are etc and it'll hopefully give her a wake up call.

NoodleNuts · 08/03/2023 20:25

I thought you were going to say that she lived 400 miles away, not 4! Next time she makes comments about the baby not knowing her, I would have to say somthing about her lack of effort.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 08/03/2023 20:27

Next time she moans just tell her that she has had the opportunity to see the baby but cancelled and this isn't the first time. Ask her why, if she wants to bond with the baby, won't she come over.
Just keep it simple until she either twigs that she's the problem or admits what the problem actually is

Ludo19 · 08/03/2023 20:27

I agree with @NoodleNuts your mum seems to want you take make all the effort. 4 miles is nothing.

Original poster

dramascream · 08/03/2023 20:34

When she says about coming and I say yes, just let me know when and I'll make sure I'm in. She'll respond saying 'how will I get there? Do you know which buses I need to get? How many buses is it? Do you think it'll be much in a taxi?' Basically hinting for me to pick her up or for me to go there which is what I usually end up doing. It's £9 in a taxi from hers to mine.

I feel really guilty for speaking about her like this. But it's so frustrating.
Next time she says the baby doesn't know her, I will mention the fact she doesn't see her. She gets quite jealous that PIL see her more but they make lots of effort.

OP posts:

cptartapp · 08/03/2023 20:51

Why is once every couple of weeks not enough? That's about average for some and far more than many.
My DM lived five miles away and we could go a month without contact. No falling out. There is no 'should' about it.

Original poster

dramascream · 08/03/2023 21:03

@cptartapp
Sometimes when we are busy it will be less frequent. But whenever we go she just keeps saying that the baby doesn't know her. There are times when we don't go for a month or so which is when she will say she will come here, but never does.

OP posts:

MeinKraft · 08/03/2023 21:04

Unless your house is hideously filthy and disgusting, which I doubt, YANBU

CantStopWontStop0 · 08/03/2023 21:28

YANBU.

Your mum is the issue, not you. I know because I'm in a very similar boat.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 08/03/2023 21:40

Is your mum elderly or disabled?

I'm wondering why she can't work out the bus routes herself?

Depending on walking speed a 4 mile walk is about an hour, so even that is doable, but it would be considerably less even if she got a bus part-way.

Just keep repeating that you're happy to host and she just needs to make her way over.

Original poster

dramascream · 08/03/2023 21:45

@BeExcellent2EachOther
She's in her 60's but she often goes on long walks for miles. She'll tell me she's just done a 7 mile walk with her partner. They travel abroad a lot. She goes all over. Except here.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 08/03/2023 22:06

100% suit yourself, just as she is.

Invest in your in laws whom are clearly very interested in your child.

4 miles is absolutely no distance.

I would be waiting for her to visit next time.

As for the faux helplessness?

That would irritate me.

SchoolTripDrama · 09/03/2023 07:48

dramascream · 08/03/2023 21:45

So she'll happily walk 7 miles with her partner but needs buses & taxis for 4 miles?!

Biker47 · 09/03/2023 08:19

It's not up to you to facilitate a relationship (within reason); be available, but being only 4 miles away the onus is on her if she wants a relationship with her grandchild.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/03/2023 09:16

My mum texts me every other week saying thing like
'I really need to come and see you soon as the baby won't know who I am'. I always reply saying 'yes, just let us know when'. She always makes excuses why she can't.
Every time you let this pass, you are feeding your mother's bullshit.
Stop saying "let us know when" & start challenging her passivity:
"Yes, you say this every week, but you never do anything about it, so either stop bleating about it or pull your finger out & make it happen"

I feel bad but I feel like not taking the baby to see her just to see how long it takes for her to actually visit. It sounds childish, I know that. And I won't actually do this.
Nothing will change until you make it change.
Don't take the baby this time. But not in the passive-aggressive "I'll just withdraw, wait to see if she does anything about it" way - that won't achieve anything.
Ring her up, tell her you'd rather see her at your house this week, & tell her to come & visit.
If she comes up with her usual excuses, tell her the truth - she's only bothered to visit you 8 times in 10 years. you are sick of doing all the running, & if she wants to see you & her grandchild, she can bloody well do some of the running for a change.

You'll feel much better when you've stopped colluding with her bullshit.

WineCap · 09/03/2023 10:33

My parents live 200 miles away and rarely bother and it use to really bother me. However, if they lived 4 miles away then I was be so upset. It's on her OP. If she can't be bothered to come to you 50% of the time then it's her fault she has a poor relationship with her grandchild.

WineCap · 09/03/2023 10:34

*would be

ObamaLlamas · 09/03/2023 17:23

OP is her husband/your dad (not sure which sorry) controlling? Sounds like she only does stuff with him. Is he possibly behind this? Why doesn't he drop her off. Or come and visit too. I feel like there's more to this.

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 09/03/2023 17:28

Could it be that she’s waiting for a specific invitation? Is it worth sayinjg “I’d love you both to come for lunch next Tuesday 1200? Don’t engage with her asking about travel just leave her to make it happen.

AgonyAgatha · 09/03/2023 17:28

Have you actually talked to her and asked her why she doesn't come to your house and explained how it makes you feel?

Surely that is the first step, rather than passive aggressive games where you just stop going to hers and wait to see what she does. Unless you don't actually like her of course and want to play mind games?

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