To just want to be normal again.

[Stressedafff]

I’m in tears as I write this. I feel so lost and fed up.

I lost my dad a while ago, since then I’ve become absolutely riddled with health anxiety, then I had a child, and it got worse.

Fast forward to now and I am agoraphobic due to this. I can’t leave my house further than the garden or our local woods due the overwhelming fear of illness and germs. (Diagnosed OCD, anxiety, PTSD)

Im failing my daughter, she’s 3 now and I feel like I am the worst mum in the world, we don’t do soft plays etc. We go for plenty walks and the park as I feel safe there, I can wipe down the stuff after she’s been on it. I know she’d benefit from nursery but I genuinely think the germs from there would absolutely finish me off. I’ve had a nervous breakdown before when DD was 3 months old as she had sepsis and I can’t go back to that place again. However, she will start school soon and at that point I’d like to be in a place where I’m normal and we can do things.

Apologies for this rant as it probably doesn’t make sense but my anxiety is just burning me out and I don’t know what to do, I’ve had CBT, DBT and that didn’t help

I'm sorry the therapies didn't help you Op but now there's more than you to consider, your DC will be effected by your problems too. Children learn about the world from their parents and pick up on adult fears and I'm sure as a DM you wouldn't want your child to feel the same way. It's clear to see the cause and effect- your DF died and your grief has mutated into a fear of the outside world where you could get sick.
I think grief therapy would help you much more, a chance to talk about the loss of your DF. You've internalised your grief and put it elsewhere so as not to deal with it but it's harming you now, far better to face the pain and have a chance of getting a normal life back. I wish you well and hope you can get back on track

Take a deep breath- you are not the worst mum in world. Taking your child for a walk in nature is a great thing to do for her. 3 year olds really don't need soft play. Do try to get help for yourself though. You've been through some difficult times and you need some support. There is no shame in that. Could you go back to your GP? Even an online support group might help.

I was in a very similar situation, became very seriously ill and almost died more than once. The fear of dying almost made living unbearable which doesn't make much sense I know. Cbt didn't help much. However, medication did and I'm living a pretty much normal life now. Please go to your gp and accept help, don't be ashamed of taking medication. It saved my life

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can really relate, I struggled with OCD when pregnant with my first and the first three years of his life, and I remember that feeling of fearing germs too much to do soft play etc but at the same time torturing myself with guilt about it. I started him at nursery at 3 and honestly it was brilliant for him, and surprisingly he didn't pick up lots of illnesses there, perhaps because he was that little bit older and his immune system a bit more mature. And it helped with my guilt as I knew that he was doing the kind of messy, outdoor play there which I was afraid to do at home. I eventually found an amazing counsellor who helped me and I found that as he got older my overall anxiety subsided and gradually the OCD subsided too. Now I feel like I'm a completely different parent with my second (who started nursery at 9 months and has been RELENTLESSLY ill since). You sound like a lovely caring mum and you will get through it.

I'm just training to be. Volunteer with home start charity . I've only just started so Im definitely no expert but this is the kind of situation the charity was made to help . So see if you can get some help from them as soon as you can.

Persevere with the therapy; there are many different types of therapy, it's about finding the one that's right for you. Start with going back to your doctor, ask about available treatments and perhaps medicine for anxiety.

Have you ever tried / heard about EMDR for trauma? If you Google clinical psychologists near you and find one that is trained in EMDR that could be a massive help for you. It sounds like you have trauma around your dad’s death and also your daughter’s sepsis - both totally understandable, by the way!

EMDR can help reprocess a traumatic moment or memory and is very powerful for people struggling with ptsd. Always do this therapy with a trained clinical psychologist, but it is a fully recognised and evidence based therapy model.

I really believe you can get better, and you are recognising that you want to.

your daughter is lucky to have a lovely mum who cares for her, loves her, keeps her safe and takes her on lovely adventures to the park and woods. Some extra therapy and help will make these next few years even better with the goal of her starting school and it not being destabilising for you.

best wishes