Am I expecting too much?

[Geordiebabe85]

Apologies in advance, this could be long.

Background info- me and OH have two children, DD age 2, DS 8 months. I'm on mat leave. OH works full time from home. DD goes to nursery 3 days.
OH has a good relationship with DD but has struggled to bond with DS. Partly due to him being bf but also lack of effort on his part. For example if DS cries OH has always just passed him back to me regardless of if he needs feeding or not. Also he never interacts or plays with DS. if he's in charge of DS then he just holds him and reads his phone. We've now got a situation where DS doesn't seem to like his daddy.
Anyway, DS never came out of the 4month sleep regression. Hes up every 2 hours all night and I've not slept for more than 2 hours for about 3 months now. I am exhausted. I've told OH for weeks that I need help but he just repeats "I can't feed him, I can't comfort him, he doesn't settle on me". And through the week he refuses to do anything cos he works. He said I'm on mat leave, the baby is my problem.
I've tried suggesting he takes both kids to the park at weekends but he always finds something more important to do (last weekend it was washing his car). I am not exaggerating when I say me and the kids see him for an hour at the weekends. He does do house things too and he does most of the cleaning while I do all the washing and cooking. But I do it all while looking after the kids.
Things came to a head a few days ago when I had a complete breakdown. I told him I literally don't want to be here anymore. But his response again was just - I work full time, I collect DD from nursery (I've said dozens of times I'll go for her but he won't let me), I've sacrificed a lot (I'm not sure what he's sacrificed) and again parroted on that the baby doesn't like him. I said he needs to put in the effort with the baby and bond properly and play with him but he says he doesn't have time.
Am I being unreasonable expecting more from him? I do think there's some anxiety there and he worries about DS getting upset. And he is working full time.

Of course you’re not! Why did have children if he can’t be arsed to get to know them and spend time with them? How does he expect to stay married if he doesn’t care about your basic needs or wellbeing?

How your DS is fed is irrelevant, DD was bf till she was 3, she and DH couldn’t be closer and he did literally everything but feed her. He bathed her, sang to her, took her for walks, she slept on his shoulder, they played for hours.

You're at the end of your rope and he’s letting you down so badly. No advice but I really feel for you.

Are you due back to work off mat leave in 4 months? If so what's the plan then? Will get ups/feeds etc be shared?

I think its hard for some men when the baby is exclusively BF, as the baby in a lot of cases just desperately wants their Mum (speaking from personal experiences of seeing this happen to friends).

I'm not defending his behaviour though, and some of the things he's said.

He's checked out of family life. Just because he does some cleaning doesn't mean he has engaged with his kids.

You need to leave him alone with the kids, with some expressed milk.

You sound exhausted.
Try to sleep if baby sleeps during the day.
It is quite common fo a baby to like it's mother most - it's how the human race survived.
Your husband has lost confidence in his ability to care for baby. He is also realistic in that you are the baby's preferred parent.
Ask OH to participate in baby's care when you are nearby.
ie. spoon feeding tasty food, bathing, playing with toys, walking around the block. Baby will get used to seeing OH near him and possibly will accept him doing those things as he gets older. You might still need to be the comforter until the baby allows OH to comfort him.

Also could you send baby to child care one afternoon per week? Get him used to other carers sometimes and you have a rest.

Sad situation. It does sound as if your husband needs to regenerate his relationship with his son. You probably all need to work on this together to get to a place where you're all functioning as a happy family. For example, think about the 4 of you sitting on the floor and doing Duplo or jigsaws, with daddy helping son and you helping daughter. Step by step your boy will learn that daddy can be fun. Obviously you need to talk this through with husband, he's risking never having a close relationship with his boy, what a tragedy. Also discuss your weekends. Get an agreement to have a morning swimming trip or afternoon park/picnic so you are all doing something together. Families don't just emerge like butterflies from a chrysalis, they need work.

Thank you everyone. I have tried so many times to get him involved but there's always something more important for him to do.

Gosh you poor thing. No you're not asking too much at all. Many many babies are bf and the partner still helps out. He needs to be more mature and stop blaming the baby. He's an adult and needs to start acting like one. It's his job to put the effort in to bond with the baby not the other way around. Even if bonding is hard he could still take the baby for a walk in the pushchair to give you a break on the weekends. It sounds like you'd be better off without him tbh :/

I am slowly coming to the same conclusion