How to deal with difficult mother and sick father

[Diorama1]

Sorry this is long but I am at my wits end.

I love my mother but she has a lot of very difficult personality traits, very narcissist traits and her behaviour is having a significant impact on my health and that of my dad and sister.

There is a massive backstory that would take me hours to write out but in short mam and dad never had a good marriage, lots of arguments, her not talking to him for days on end, stomping around, always tension. She always ran him down to us, wanted us to take her side etc. Dad can be a bit useless in the sense that all the responsibility fell to her and she got very bitter over it.

The last 2.5 years have been very difficult, dad got 2 cancers and required surgery and 8 weeks (5 days a week) of radiation therapy in a hospital 1.5hrs drive away. There were honestly about 80/90 medical appointments over the last 2.5 years and my sister and I have to organise them all as mam refused to do anything.

She claimed she wasnt able, couldnt drive, couldnt hear, etc basically anything to get out of helping dad. This was all new to dad after never having anything wrong with him and he really struggled.

He got the all clear in Sept last year but unfortunately in Oct his health went down due to another medical condition. The last 2 months have been extremely difficult, dad was hospitalized 4 times, nearly died twice, it was very much touch and go. During his hospitalisation in early Feb mam had an epiphany and decided she would be nice to dad, she actually did love him, she lamented the bad marriage, things would be fine from now on, she would look after him, etc.

I knew it was because she thought he was dying but if he ever showed a sign of improvement she would turn and she did last week when finally he started to recover. He is very weak, needs some help with daily activities, cant do chores, leave the house, etc. She is constantly tormenting him and refusing to help him. Examples are:

not making his hot water bottle for him at night even though he could risk burning himself and is weak, not organising his tablets (he finds it very confusing to know which ones to take), refusing to take his blood pressure anymore, only cooking a small meal for him and cooking food he doesnt like (he is massively underweight and needs to gain a stone), complaining about washing up his dishes, going out for hours and not leaving any food for him or fuel for the fire.

Its very abusive behaviour. My sister has been an angel, she calls to the house 2/3 times a day, does all the medical appts, has given 100% emotional and practical support. She called my mam out on her bad behaviour last week and since then mam is refusing to speak to her and has upped the ante with her carry on.
My sister has 5 kids one of which has SN, she is struggling. I work full time and am very busy with my 3 kids. I suffer with a panic disorder/anxiety and her behaviour is affecting me mentally.
I would happily call her out on this but when we have done in the past she takes it out on dad. She refuses to talk to him claiming its is because he is telling us tales, she creates havoc when we stand up to her.
If it wasnt for dad I would probably have nothing more to do with her. The problem is the effect on him, he just wants a quiet life. I have offered for him to come live with me but he doesnt want to. He has friends over to visit and has his garden. Mam is rude to his friends but they are used to it and ignore her.

I feel so much anger towards her for making dad's life so hard. We have a palliative care nurse starting to come this week. It is hard to know how much time dad has left. The new meds have helped but it is a progressive illness and he will die from it sooner rather than later.

How do I deal with her in a way that doesnt impact on dad?

Social services with a view to arranging carers for him and reporting the abuse he's getting? This sounds awful

Your local council will have a vulnerable adults department op. You need to speak to them.

Buy a heated throw or an electric blanket instead of hot water bottle

As well as the above advice, has he written a will? Does he have POA in place with you and your Sis named?
Sort this out for him, then she can't interfere in his money or home.

This is terrible!

How far away are you from where they live? Do you work remotely or in office and what is the situation with your children and finances?

You need to speak to adult social services and make a full disclosure. If at all possible I’d move him in with you but I appreciate if you are far away it would be difficult with all his medical appointments etc. Is he worried about putting you out or you think or does he really just want to be in his own home? Could you frame him coming to live with you as for your benefit and peace of mind?

If he really doesn’t want to move in I’d consider moving in with them. I know it would be incredibly stressful but this is such an extreme situation and sadly likely to be temporary.

Poor all of you, apart from your witch of a mother 💐

I feel for you as I’ve been in a similar situation although my mums behaviour was not quite as extreme as yours.

Has your dad been put on the end of life pathway? This doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s imminent, but likely to occur within the next 12 months. This would mean he’s entitled to up to 4 carer visits a day on the NHS.

There are companies that will supply his meds ready organised in pouches for him to take eg:

www.rightdose.co.uk

Can he use the microwave? You can get microwave wheat bags which would save him trying to fill a hot water bottle, or an electric blanket on a timer switch?

WRT meals, would you or your sister be able to make up some high calorie ready meals that he could microwave? There are lots of ideas for substantial but easy to manage meals for this scenario, I’m happy to share some of the things I cooked for my dad if you’re interested.

Protein shakes might also help and hot drinks such as coffee or hot chocolate made with full fat milk, ditto porridge. You can add cheese and full fat dairy to most things to give them more calories if he can only manage small portions.

Finally, you and your sister need to take care of yourselves too…I know it’s a cliche that you can pour from an empty cup, but that’s because it’s true and your own families need you too.

I recognise a lot in your email as my parents are in a very similar situation and your description of your mother would mirror mine.
We've been in this situation for a slightly longer time and, over the years, I have accepted that I have to let it go. Like you, neither me or my siblings are capable of fully taking over the care of my dad and most of all, it would not be his wish to leave the house. They have lived together annoying the hell out of each other for over 50 years but it is apparently a situation that neither of them wants to leave. While I feel sympathy for my dad, as he is currently clearly the weaker and more vulnerable in their relationship, I also have to recognise that he was not the best husband for her for many years of their marriage. It is very much like she is now making him pay back for all the wrongs done to her during many years.
So perhaps - and I mean this kindly - take a step back. You have ensured that medical supervision is in place which is already excellent. Unless your father himself expresses an urgent desire to move out/have more involvement from you, I would leave them be and avoid openly criticising your mum. She has to deal with him/his illness 24/7 and you may not see the full extent of his/her behaviour. Clearly, you can alert the carer of the issues relating to feeding etc. but personally I would hesitate in taking actions that would drastically change the situation which apparently they both are content with. Any formal interference by social services may cause a lot of stress and pain in a situation which is already very stressful. Keep tabs on your dad to see if his opinion/wishes change of course.

Thanks for the messages. Sometime my sister and I doubt ourselves as we are so conditioned to accept her behaviour.
My dad really really doesnt want us to rock the boat, he says please dont say anything to her. The thing is we tried for years to work on keeping her in good form so she will treat him better but it doesnt work.

She can be lovely when it suits her, she has been very helpful to me over the years and supported me when I was in college with young children, she is very generous but she is blinded by her bitterness towards dad and she had terrible mood swings. She freaks out if you call her out on thins.

My sister and I staged an intervention about 6 months ago telling her how stressed her behaviour made us feel. She was like a child having a tantrum, we couldn't get through to her, she kept making childish comments, cutting across us. I ended up having a massive panic attack, couldnt get off the ground it was horrendous but she didnt care.
My sister and I have only just admitted to each other that we are traumatized from her over the years. I just want my dad to have a peaceful last bit of his life.

I have a granny flat he could move into, DH fully supportive of it but dad is adamant he doesn't want to move.
I couldn't move in as have DH and 3 kids. My sister and I go over as much as possible to fix food for him, make his hot water bottle, bring in turf for the fire, gets stuff in the shop, bring him to his appts, make sure he has his tablets sorted, etc. All stuff she should be doing but wont.

The latest argument was caused by him throwing a tissue into the stove, it fell out and she claimed he would burn the house down and she couldn't leave him alone for a minute. He responded that she leaves him alone for hours when she goes out so f*cuk off. She says that is why she isnt speaking to him now. He said he shouldnt have said it but he is sick of it.

Your point about payback hits the nail on the head. She is the stronger one now so is making him pay.

@MintyCedric we are in Ireland so not sure about what he can get. The palliative care nurse is due out on Friday so she will give us info on what they can do in terms of care. He needs help with bath/shower and mam wont do it. Dad wouldnt want my sis and I to do it so hopefully we can get a carer.

I will look for one of those wheat bags that would be great. He is very fussy with food, I would say he possibly has ARFID as his diet is so limited, he will also only eat what mam cooks eg he wont eat my shepherds pie but will eat hers.
He can make a sandwich so I but him beef that he likes and cheese, he will also eat jelly and icecream and he has Ensure drinks that are full of nutrients and calories.

Would he consider going into some kind of respite care, maybe just for a couple weeks?
In the meantime you can leave your DM to stew in her own juices and both you and your DSIS can take time to draw breath.

OP this sounds incredibly tough on you and your sister. Not helped it seems by the fact that both your mum and dad are doubling down on their destructive behaviour (your dad refusing to eat your food, you mum disregarding your concerns etc.)

Unfortunately I have to agree with other PP’s that there is only so much you can do in these circumstances. Remember they are adults who are still capable of making their own decisions. If your dad refuses to come and stay with you, despite you having adequate space than you cannot blame yourself if he continues to live in an environment where he is not properly cared for.

Are there any finances to arrange additional home care support? Carer’s can heat up microwave meals, fill a hot water bottle and even potentially sort out medication if they are qualified to go do. All of the things you’re worrying your mum is refusing to do could potentially be sorted by a carer.

It sounds like your parents have had a volatile relationship for a while now. I know firsthand what it is is like growing up in an environment like this and how responsible you feel for their care and happiness, despite it not being your cross to bear. But please remember this was a volatile relationship of their own making and this current situation is just an extension of it. You have done everything you can to help but there comes a point where they have to be willing to help themselves. If your dad wants to see out his lasts years in this set up you have to respect that, as hard and as emotionally draining as that is.

Please look after yourself.

OP you need to be blunt with your dad. He moves into your granny flat end of story - his wife Is being abusive and you and yous sister are really struggling. He needs to know how much this is effecting you and your sister and see the bigger picture. Help him see and to relent and move in with you, it'll solve all the issues. Away from that horrible woman and you can go NC with her.

Thanks guys @MummyJ36 we are definitely trying to accept that we are not responsible for their behaviour and to try to distance ourselves even emotionally but it is very hard. We are emotionally exhausted from it all.

@ObamaLlamas dad does keep a lot of the issues from us to protect us but we see them. EG sis brought dad to GP yesterday, when she got home mam was gone out without saying anything, sis noticed fire had gone out and no fuel in, so she did that, no food prepped for dad so she did that. We see it all anyway. He hates us being upset but he is an old man and wants to be in his own house, I cant blame him.

I will definitely look into a carer as that would take a lot of pressure off in terms of some of the basic care. He is not too bad at the moment and maybe when he does get very bad we could look at moving in for a few nights each a week.

Thanks x

Honestly

id sit your mum down and ask her who she will be expecting to look after her in her final years?
would she like the same service of love as she is showing your father

Hi @Diorama1 , I know this post is a few months old but I wanted to add that myself and my siblings were in a very similar situation a few years ago. It is so incredibly stressful. It sounds like this family dynamic has been going on for a long time before any illnesses came up but has now all come to a head. This was the situation with my family anyway. Especially the fact we all had to keep the peace or else my dad would be the one to suffer, like she wouldn't visit him in the hospital if we raised anything at all about her behaviour.
After my dad passed away my mums behaviour totally spiralled. It was a very difficult time but it has led to alot of reflection on my part and realisation that unfortunately you can only do so much for people.
I hope that your mum doesn't go down the road my mum did after my dad died but it might be worth looking up personality disorders. I couldn't understand my mums behaviour at all at the time. She has since been diagnosed with some emotional issues which has in part clarified things. Hope you and your sister are doing OK, it's a very difficult time.