Adult DC moving back home

[ohtobebythesea]

DD is 23, she has mental health issues and recently been diagnosed with epilepsy.
She has been working full time and living on her own but due to the diagnoses this is obviously starting to affect her at work as she is often off sick.
She pays high rent and is tells me she is stressed about how she is going to afford it if she is unable to work (she has a decent job and quite a fair amount of savings but has been saving to buy a house one day and understandably does not want to start spending into her savings if she can help it) but I worry about her being at work and also being at home on her own.
She has dropped hints that she has been thinking of coming home but not outright asked us if she can as she knows we want to move and downsize in the near future.
AIBU to say yes if she asks and means it but try and encourage other options first? And to not offer as I don’t know if me and my partner would want this. I don’t know if this would help her, what she would do about work (we live in a different city) and what to expect from her and what rent to ask for? Also all the DC and step DC are growing up and we only have one left at home and we would like to downsize soon. If she did come home what is a reasonable amount of rent to charge, what to expect from her?
She hasn’t lived at home for years so this would obviously be a big change and hard for everyone.
Anyone else had adult DC move back home (in particular due to illness) and can shed any light?
YABU - Speak to DD and tell her she can move back home
YANBU - Having an adult DC move back in will be hard and will change the dynamic so encourage her to stay where she is/look at other options and that this is what savings are for

My children will always be welcomed back.

We currently have my son living with us he's almost 30. (He has his reasons )

Only other people have an issue with it not him or is

I would always allow my adult children back home - no questions asked especially if due to Illness.
it sounds more like you’re worried about your partners reaction . You’re assuming it’s going to be hard for everyone - but you don’t know that .

And yes I would charge her rent . My 21 yr old pays £500pcm and buys a lot of his own food . I couldn’t afford to support him financially so that’s not an option .

I would have a chat with your partner about the time frame for moving and downsizing. Say for example you both agree one year, then tell your children that they have one year before living at home is no longer an option. You need to talk to your daughter about her plans, and let her know yours. But keep in mind, it’s possible for any of the children to get into a situation where they need to move home for a while (assuming it’s ok with you and your partner). You can still move and downsize, a child may not stay as long if they aren’t as comfortable.

All my kids would always be welcome back room or no room we would make some. My adult sister 30s has severe health problems and is back with my parents, she gives all her dla benefit to parents for rent and food etc and the rest she saves. Tbh my mum has become her main carer now. But it works for them and she's safe at least to

Is there any urgency to downsize?
I'd want to postpone if one of my DC were likely to need a place imminently, and don't subscribe to making young adults unwelcome in the family home. That doesn't mean I wouldn't charge rent. But I wouldn't plan to downsize at least until youngest finished uni or thereabouts.

@maddy68 I have 2 DNs who live happily with parents, they're single, can barely get a foot on the property ladder and it works for them all. They also have mental health issues that they don't discuss widely and a lot of other relatives like to voice their opinions on how it's not right. You're right it's no one's business.

She’s just been diagnosed with epilepsy. That is devastating. It can kill. You’re potentially not allowed to drive. It affects the rest of your life. I can appreciate the thought of her moving back in is daunting but it doesn’t sound like you’re being supportive at all when she’s just had a life changing diagnosis.

Our 25yr old DD and her baby moved back hone recently. Her BF was a shit, she kicked him out. She simply struggled financially on her own.
Now back home she can concentrate on raising her son, we have the space, we can afford to support her and our dgs, and we don't accept financial contribution.

My kids will always be welcome back.

My kids would definitely be allowed back home with no questions asked, especially if the reason for returning was a health issue. If they hinted at coming home and I knew of their health and related problems I would suggest that they come home.
A diagnosis of epilepsy can be life changing and your dd needs your help at this difficult time.
However, I get the feeling that she is hesitating to ask for your help. That’s why she’s dropping hints.

Is your partner her Dad? What does he want? You don't really want her with you and its not a long term plan. Perhaps what she needs to here is that she'll never be homeless. Tell her you won't ever see her on the streets .....whilst she gets back on her feet.
Worth knowing, but if she has savings over £16000k she'll be expected to use it towards keeping herself before she gets benefits.

She’s just been diagnosed with epilepsy? Of course she should be welcomed back home. She’s your daughter. You should be offering for her to come home. You’re making her drop hints in the hope you’ll let her come home because she’s afraid to actually ask I guess she knows you don’t want her, how sad is that. Shame. That’s awful, how could you.

i sadly don’t have children, but I KNOW my parents would have any/all of us back at any time. My brother and his partner stayed with them for 3 months when their house build took longer than expected; I stayed for about 2 months following serious surgery (although still had my own place), and my sister stayed at various points when she was undergoing her teacher training.

We’re lucky they are still in the family home (so there’s room), they are comfortable enough (so refused to take a contribution - but we all paid for things/meals/treats), and there has never been an issue, or any question that we wouldn’t be welcome.

It sounds like you might be worried about your partner’s reaction to this, but surely he understood you had DC who might need support at any stage - and that there may be financial concerns, which are perfectly valid. Can you check what the going rate is in your area for renting a room, and take a bit off of that price? Especially given your DD is dealing with a life-changing diagnosis, I’m sure any support you can give would be massively welcome.

The epilepsy is potentially very dangerous. I think I would want her home rather than in a random houseshare with mates who may or may not be around, and a lock on her door. But that's easy for me to say.

If you do have her back, take the opportunity to re-establish your relationship as an adult-adult one. Don't offer to do her washing. Expect her to take turns with the cooking, cleaning, maybe shopping, if her health allows, but approach the conversation as you would to an adult you were holidaying with or moving in with temporarily, rather than falling back into talking to her like you did when she was a teen. In the long run it'll make you both easier for the other to live with.

I would have any of my children back home in a heartbeat if it was their decision! Health problems would be a no brainer 🤦‍♀️We don’t stop being a parent when they hit 18 ! Have had my children home for various reasons..that’s what being a loving caring parent is all about!

Move the daughter in and the partner out.

Partner can't be very family oriented for this to even be a question!

Mine have all come home for various reasons over the years. They are very welcome and I Iove having them here. Currently, one is about to move out and in with her bf and another will soon be back as their landlord has just changed letting agents and she suspects a rent rise is imminent. She wants to save to buy instead of paying rent. We don’t ask for money.

Mine would always be welcome regardless of reason, for as long as they wanted.
Hell, if i was living in a one room bedsit, I'd still squash them in if needs be.

I still have a 27 and a 25 year old (and a teenager) living at home. It’s just the way things worked out with job losses during Covid. They don’t pay rent but contribute towards council tax, utilities and food. I hope to downsize in the next couple of years but they are welcome to stay until they can afford to buy.
I think it would be kind to have your daughter home.

One of our three is disabled and will always live at home so it would be unfair to not let our older two come home for a bit as adults, I hope they stay and save after their education is finished so they can go straight to their first property without having to rent but we will see.

She has been diagnosed with epilepsy and could really do with your support by the sounds of it. She’s only 23, still very young and in poor health. The downsizing can wait surely? If she’s been used to living alone she’ll probably want her own space again before too long, but right now she needs your help.

Hi I’m new on here and desperate for some advice /guidance .

I’ve been together with my partner 6 years, living with him in his home 5 years and engaged for two years. My partner has never really had a good relationship with his son over this time and not for the want if trying as I have seen him attempt to spend time with him and spend in excess of £20,000 on him ie expensive clothes , dog, car , pay his car insurance monthly , trips abroad , flying him to football games. He has never really shown any gratitude for. My partner blames his mum for poisoning him against him but I cannot comment on that a I don’t know .

after 1 year to father my partner asked me and my two daughters to live in with him and treated them as his own children for which I’m extremely grateful as their own father doesn’t play a part in their life and has always let them down . My girls are now 12 and 21. My partner has never really tried or pushed for his son (20 years old , soon 21) to spend time or communicate with me and my children so we’ve never really been included in any of the above plans /trips etc which I’ve not had a problem with and let him spend that time with his son. we have twice for two years on the trot booked him a table for his birthday for a meal with his dad and me and my children and he hasn’t shown up . He never includes me on any Christmas cards just to Dad and has never even sent me a happy birthday message but my children include my partner in everything .. birthday cards and presents , Christmas and Father’s Day .

This has always played on my mind , more so that my partner wasn’t saying or doing anything about it but it’s now all been brought to a head as my partners son has been asked to leave home by his mum so has to come and live with us. His mum has asked him to leave as he’s not contributing and as he has now left college and still only working 10 hours a week she’s given him the ultimatum to find a full time job or leave so he has asked his Dad to come and live with us . As he had a dog and we already have two dogs on the house my partner came up with the idea he will transform the out house in the back garden into a one bed apartment for him of which he has now dove and spent in excess of £10,000 on ( of which it’s not really money we have at the minute ) but it’s what he needed to do to help his son. Me and my partner have sat on numerous occasions now the past few weeks and I’ve asked that we are a team and show co parenting and he doesn’t just let his son think my opinion doesn’t matter and he promised this will be the case and we will show a United front . My partner is already going back on things we’ve agreed and he’s not even moved in yet . My partner makes me take £160 a month from my 22 year old daughter as she works full time towards the food bill which I have done the past eleven months. I also contribute what I think to be quite a considerable amount of money per month aswell as cover all weekly food bills . We agreed my partner was going to push his son to get a full time job and contribute as my daughter does but now it’s time for his son to move in my partner is now advising me he will have to cover filling his sons cupboards and fridge in his apartment with food and he’s now advised in conversation he may take a small amount of rent from him but save it and give it him back. This has never been made an option for my daughter . When I didn’t agree that this was fate my partner didn’t like it it’s caused a huge fight he’s now accusing me of seeing his son as a threat and asking me to leave .

My 40th birthday present from my partner back in March was a trip to NYC as it is my dream destination I have never been to and I want to go around Christmas time which I was so excited for and last week my partner just came out with “ why don’t we take my son and his gf with us fir his 21 st “. This upset me that he would even suggest this and he doesn’t understand why.

Mu partner is not putting in the United front we discussed making me feel my opinion doesn’t count and this is all before his son has stepped through the door so what chance do I have of his son respecting me ?

I can’t seem to get through to him his son is and adult and he needs to guide him not modicoddle him buy his love .

I feel like walking away but I do love my partner and we usually have such a great relationship I’m so confused .