Homeschooling high school

[Schoolappeal1]

Hello.

posting in AIBU for traffic and help.

my daughter is in Year 7 and her anxiety levels are through the roof. She thinks she’s being iced out of the friend group she made and doesn’t really know how to join other groups as everyone has made their friend groups now and she feels lonely and isolated.

i think maybe I should homeschool her - has anyone done this for high school and how does it work? What’s the social aspect like? I think she would be up for it.

I don’t want her to be stuck indoors with me all the time. I work full time, 4 days from home and am a single parent so I can’t really ferry her around to different locations all the time.

please help.

Just to add she had a terrible time at the end of primary, all these girls with their hormones flying everywhere, there seems to be a new issue every week and on top of that the school is generally very advanced in terms of the kids talking about things I wouldn’t expect Y7 (11/12 ur olds) to know about.

Perfectly possibly to home educate through secondary school. Are you in the UK?
If you’re on Facebook search ‘your local town-home education’ to find local groups. You can then get an idea of the social opportunities in your area.

Before taking such a big step do see if there are any very small schools near you where she could be in a less stressful environment.

Home educating a teen means either she will get shit (or no) GCSEs, or you will spend a huge amount of money on tutors, courses and exam fees.

You could maybe give her a year out then a fresh start at a different school?

But if you’re working 4 days a week I don’t see any home ed working out at all. Home education means you are with your child teaching them stuff.

I absolutely wouldn't do this unless you are prepared to fully submerge you and her in Home Ed and all that it entails

She's going to become more isolated without regular groups, you haven't got the time to teach her if you work 4 days. Do you have enough knowledge to teach her across the curriculum?

Can you afford to pay independently for her GCSEs? Do you have a local school who take independent candidates?

As you work 4 days a week, this doesn't sound like a workable solution.

Would you feel confident in teaching / guiding your child in learning all the maths, English, science, history, geography etc content?

Have you approached the school and asked for support in this situation? There should be a pastoral lead who should meet with you to discuss how to sort the issues out. This is what I would do first.

Most girls have a few tough years in secondary, it's all the hormones and girls generally being girls ! I wouldn't make a rash decision based on one friendship group - she will find her circle soon enough, give it more time !

This isn’t the place to ask about home Ed! Maybe try the national Facebook groups, you’ll find support there from people who have done it.

it’s perfectly possible and lots of different ways to go depending on what suits you and your child.

I would contact the
head of year for a meeting. School can help resolve some of the friendship issues and steer her towards more support/some more like minded girls

Thanks for all your replies.

The local FB groups I’ve found are aimed more at Primary school children.

I think I could enroll her onto an online school so she can still learn. Maybe I should try it for a year and send her back to a school in Year 9 ready for the GCSE years. I’m hoping her anxiety will have calmed down by then and perhaps all the flying hormones will have stopped turning what used to be nice girls into the opposite.

it’s just the social aspect I worry about? We are close but everyone needs more than their mum for friendship.

I personally wouldn't do this as its just delaying the problem. They are only 6 months into the whole high school experience, there's still time for her to make friendships. I'd certainly speak to the school and ask if there's a way of budding her up with a group or encouraging something another way. Is there anyone who she could ask if they fancy a the cinema etc, try and build on a friendship outside of school with someone from school?

I wouldn't, although I have no experience of home educating.

What you're describing is normal teen behaviour I think. You should calm her down and just tell her girls can be bitches and there will be someone in her school who is also struggling to fit in. They will find each other. I think taking her out of school will do nothing to help her anxiety and could in fact make it worse.

I think you should try to help her tough it out.

Also, if she is on social media, I would massively clamp down on it so that she has head space outside of school not to be worrying about the friendship groups.

Really feel for you OP - its awful to see your kid struggling.

If isolation from existing friendship group is causing the issue, home schooling may not really help her feelings, as it is in itself isolating. I would worry the lack of 'exposure' to social interaction will make it even harder to go back into the school system later. (I wonder whether part of the challenge these kids are having now is they missed out on interaction in lockdowns, and half of what school delivers is learning how to get over the squabbles and cliques and people pinching your pencils or calling you a loser or all the sorts of tit for tat that kids do to each other).

Other (less drastic) ideas just to throw into the mix...:
Have you tried any counselling help for her?
Or groups outside of school she could join (music, drama, scouts, dance, sports - whatever her thing) with a completely different set of kids?
Are there other schools in the area you could try?

best of luck - it sounds really difficult, whatever you decide - no easy answers.

I am a secondary teacher and wanted to add my "two cents". It is doable but this plan worries me more. A year out means she will come in when kids are all moving into upper (assuming you are in three tier from the information so far) and a lot of students will have had the benefit of a year of skills (best will in the world online schools aren't able to replicate it all) and a year of making friends. If she is already anxious my worry is this will only alienate her more from peers. Equally, if you at work 5 days that means she is alone 4 out of 7 days socially and that is a lot in terms of social skills.

I appreciate it does sound like a tough time for her and this is normal (our 7s and 8s seem to have fallings out and make up then a fued beyond all measure every week because they do have a lot of hormones to work through and external pressures). A smaller school may be nice if possible. But do speak to her school and if you are three tier look at alternative uppers in the area or liaise with them about approaching it and concerns.

I know this may not be the most helpful post but I just worry about pulling students out before you have really looked at all sides of it and the curriculum she would be doing quite independently with only you and possibly online to support as there are a lot of long term consequences and even though GCSE work does begin in yrs 9 or 10 there is still a lot of skills based learning and ground work the primary cover prior to this.

Good luck with whatever you decide though as it is a hard decision x

How would your employer feel about you taking on an extra job during your working day? Or are you planning to do the teaching and research in the later afternoon / evenings? It’s going to be an awful lot to teach so many subjects. Girls always have friendship group issues. My own DD has been through it a few times and it’s just something kids need to learn to navigate. Speak to the school about more support for her

What about a change of teaching group? A chance then to explore new/different friendships. Definitely talk to the school. Also clubs outside of school can be a great way to make friends and build confidence. Is so hard when they are not happy , definitely settles in year 8

Online schools are pretty expensive

You should not be home-schooling and working at the same time, it is not fair on either her or your work

I know of 2 girls who have dropped out and 1 that wants to drop out in year 7. For some reason girls are really struggling right now, more than in my day, it's hard to watch - is it connected to the pandemic or living in an oversexualised society perhaps?

No I would not do this for these reasons. Teach her that school is about focussing on getting qualifications and not on making friends. It’s unusual to keep friends from school for the rest of your life. If she gets good results she can go on to further education and meet new people there. Friends at school is a bonus not the reason to be there. Plus you work full time, you can’t commit to it. I understand you want to help her feel better but I would work on her resilience and self esteem rather than pull her out of her education opportunities.

I have been here with my SD OP.

She has always hated school- most days she would flat out refuse, lock herself in the bathroom. There have been times when the neighbours have called the police because it’s been that bad.

During the pandemic, she flourished with online school. Took me a lot of persuading with her Dad but he agreed to online school and her grades have improved ten fold. She has activities 4 evenings a week (swimming, guides, dance classes) and is often staying with friends/having friends to stay here of a weekend.

We do online school with Oxford home learning, and we have a tutor to help her with her maths and she struggles.

Of course it isn’t free, and will probably have to take a loan out to pay the fees for her exams next year, but it has been worth every penny.

Plus we are planning on spending 3 months travelling the states this year which obviously we wouldn’t be able to do if she was in conventional school.

Honestly- we haven’t needed to put anymore input into her schooling then we would do if she was at mainstream school.

Y9 is the worst. Don’t plan to send her back then. Honestly, I wouldn’t take her out at this point but work on helping her to feel more comfortable socially.

She used to love school up until towards the end of primary when all the other girls hormones exploded everywhere she had to deal with the consequences of it. We had hoped that high school would be a fresh start but those from her primary have also gone to that school
and even with so many new people in the year group it still isn’t a big enough school for her to flourish. These new friends she’s made aren’t very nice girls and often belittle people for no reason. Now they’ve decided to ice her out and because she’s lost a lot of confidence over the past couple of years she doesn’t feel able to just go and join another group.

clamping down on social media is hard as all of Y7 are on it all the time!! And when I do she feels like she’s missing out on what’s happening. I have reduced it though.

Also, I agree with the over sexualisation of younger people. I was quite shocked at the knowledge 11/12 year olds have and how openly they all talk about it. I’m not a prude but it is fairly shocking when she comes home and tells me things and I’m just like why do they even know that!!

her anxiety is really bad right now, I don’t think I can just keep sending her back. She has daily tummy aches, headaches, developing ulcers and this evening she’s had 3 very big nose bleeds.

I will talk to the school and I have enquired about other schools in the area with spaces but I think if this school, which is meant to be quite good, I’d like this then won’t all the other schools be like this too?

I work agile and flexibly so can make up some time in the evenings. She would have to be quite self sufficient in her learning and I think I would enroll her into an online school. It’s the social aspect that bothers me more. I don’t want to stunt her growth emotionally. But right now she’s not emotionally thriving.

she’s fine outside of school and knows ppl in other extra curricular activities. She doesn’t have these issues outside of school

thank you for your input and the positive stories aswell. It’s all very helpful.

I home ed my now 16 yo and have done so since the start of year 10. He missed most of school in years 8 and 9 due to daily stomach aches. He is now well. I wish I had started a year earlier as it has worked well. He does a mixture of self study and online courses and I facilitate. I work full time from home and use flexible hours, annual and parental (unpaid) leave to support him as well as after work or on weekends. Home ed does not have to happen during school hours.

if you take the leap, you will become responsible for her education and will have to fund (i)gcses. Some subjects need to be done as igcse to avoid the practical elements like science and english language. Others can be difficult to do from home. You may also need to travel to find an exam centre but DS is sitting his at his former school. The nice thing is you can spread exams out over 2 or 3 years and do as many as you choose. We looked at what he needed for post 16 courses and worked back from there. He is doing 5 which is what he needs to do is choice of level 3 course. He has 2 conditional offers for college and 2 igcses under his belt with good grades.

Have a google for home ed exams wiki. Loads of info on there.

Socialising can happen anywhere. My son keeps in touch with former school friends. He visits his dad, talks to neighbours and friends, walks the dog and talks to other dog walkers and goes to an art group.

There is a facebook group called Home Education For All (HEFA) which I have found really helpful and supportive.

For some kids it is the right choice. We have no regrets.

As long as you make sure she is going out and socialising she will be fine OP.

Is her work suffering because of all this? Ultimately you have to decide what the best way for your daughter to meet her abilities is. Obviously social interaction is important but sadly there is no GCSEs in having a best friend.

Honestly my SD is a different girl- because she was so anxious and would get so worked up arguing with her Dad (who would drag her to school) she was an exhausted mess and was failing every subject and is now getting top marks in nearly every subject

School isn’t for everyone. I was the same when I was younger and tbh I wish I lived in this generation when this is an opportunity available to me.

Just don’t let her go “into her shell”- I’m sure you know what she’s interested in so look for local groups and classes.

We personally don’t socialise with home school parents, as the ones in this area lead a type of different lifestyle to us but honestly she will be fine.

Look for local home Ed groups on Facebook. There’s a lot of very knowledgable people out there. I know two mums who work and have very happy, well educated, happy teens and I’m sure they’re not the only ones. Mental health should come before everything else. Qualifications can be achieved at any age.