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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not told his wife?

10 replies

StarrySki · 07/03/2023 19:12

Years ago, I had an affair with a manager at work. I was in my 20s and just starting out in my career, and he was in his 40s and much more senior. He started it, and pursued me for months before anything happened. I later found out that he was married, and I so ended it. I never told anybody what had happened, but it caused me a lot of hurt.

I was reflecting on this the other day, and wondered whether or not I did the right thing. On the one hand, if I'd said anything, then it could have caused me a lot more hassle and problems. I was so young, and I don't think that I really had the maturity to know how to deal with it in the right way.

On the other hand, now that I'm older, I can see how predatory his behaviour was, and I wonder how many other young women he might have done this to. Also, if I was his wife, I would have wanted to know.

The message to women often seems to be to stay quiet and walk away when men behave badly. Be a good little girl, don't rock the boat or cause a scene. But in some ways, we do ourselves a disservice by allowing men to get away with these things. What do you think?

YABU - you should have reported him at work or told his wife

YANBU - you should have stayed quiet and left well alone

OP posts:
LordEmsworth · 07/03/2023 19:15

I'm not voting because there isn't a "should".

Or at least - you should have done what was right for you at that time. Which it sounds like you did.

It wasn't your duty to let him "get away with these things", you haven't let the sisterhood down. You did what you had to do. Stop giving him headspace...

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/03/2023 19:18

For your own sake as much as anything, keeping quiet was the best option. Not good bd a “good little girl” but because the alternative would have been getting yourself embroiled in a whole load of other people’s drama which wasn’t your making or intention. What naive twenty-year-old (or any woman in your position) really needs that kind of bullshit to contend with on top of everything else?

Original poster
StarrySki · 07/03/2023 19:57

Yeah, I guess you're right. I've just noticed as I've got older that there are a lot of men who do this sort of thing, and the reason they do it is because they get away with it so easily.

Also saw in the news recently about the 21 year old army cadet who took her own life after a relationship involving sexual misconduct with a senior officer. I don't know all the details of that case, but it got me thinking about where the line is. Men can very manipulative when it comes to this sort of thing.

OP posts:
Devoutspoken · 07/03/2023 20:19

Calling out predatory men is generally a good thing, although his wife may have been turning a blind eye

Justforlaffs · 07/03/2023 20:24

I know what you mean OP - this kind of thing pisses me right off, men wanting to have their cake and eat it and then getting away with it Scot free.

If I was the wife I would want to know 100% - I wouldn't even care if the motive of telling me was vindictive or for revenge, I'd just want to know the truth about my dh being a cheating bastard!

UWhatNow · 07/03/2023 20:28

Yeah I believe in calling it out but not if you’d have lost your job or been at risk in any way. Leave the job then let everyone know. Certain men rely on the silence of women.

CandyLeBonBon · 07/03/2023 20:30

I've been there too op. As a young woman, you're on your own if you call anything out. Keeping quiet is a safety measure. I wish there was some kind of mentoring system for women for situations like these.

Original poster
StarrySki · 08/03/2023 00:33

Devoutspoken · 07/03/2023 20:19

Calling out predatory men is generally a good thing, although his wife may have been turning a blind eye

I didn't know his wife, but with time, I learnt of her. I'm sure that she would have had no idea. She was a very successful high flyer in a senior position. Almost 20 years older than me, but very fit and attractive looking. I can't imagine that she would have turned a blind eye. I doubt that I would have felt comfortable talking to her though.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarrySki · 08/03/2023 00:37

UWhatNow · 07/03/2023 20:28

Yeah I believe in calling it out but not if you’d have lost your job or been at risk in any way. Leave the job then let everyone know. Certain men rely on the silence of women.

Yes I think this is why they tend to go for young women. They may be attracted to youth, but I think it's also because they know that young women won't often have the confidence to speak out.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarrySki · 08/03/2023 00:45

CandyLeBonBon · 07/03/2023 20:30

I've been there too op. As a young woman, you're on your own if you call anything out. Keeping quiet is a safety measure. I wish there was some kind of mentoring system for women for situations like these.

I completely agree. It should be easier to call men out on things like this.

I think that a big part of the problem is the social stigma

The other problem is that these men can be highly manipulative, but if they haven't actually forced anything on you, then it's difficult to raise a complaint.

OP posts:
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