When work and self care collide.

[Commonsensitivity]

So we have a policy of flexible working where we can work 2 days at home per week. This is extremely valuable to me as a full time working single mother. My boss today was being a bit demanding about wanting a meeting in person rather than online and he was quite grumpy with me. I am in 4 other days this week.

But more generally my work seems to be making self care increasingly difficult. I find it hard physically to rush from home to work to school drop off and pick up day after day.

I still have 2 fillings that need doing. I can't find a spare moment to get them booked in and done. My workload is unmanageable in the alloted time frame.

AIBU and is this working life or do I need to make some kind of changes?

Do you manage to combine all of the above without ill effects?

I personally wouldn't want to work full time with kids and I have no idea how anyone does it. I have a good and supportive husband who pulls his weight too, but I still think FT work would kill me.

I think you should go to your boss and tell him/her that you're struggling to fit everything in and see if there's anything they can do to help you.

I've never heard of work getting in the way of 'self care'

Annual leave?

Hi @Dacadactyl its not so much I want to work full time but as a single mum I'm aware of needing a decent monthly income and pension contributions. But it's becoming unsustainable.

@SunshineGeorgie are you a single mum? I can well believe work would get in the way of self care in such circumstances.

I have been a lone parent yes!!

I don't know what's normal. I have a DH who often steps in to pick kids up etc. I work pt (not compressed hours) but on work days frequently work from 8 - 10 / 11pm once the kids are asleep. It's exhausting. I think it depends on your role and pay frankly. No idea what the answer is as if you have that kind of role the expectation is that you just get the work done regardless.

@Commonsensitivity yes I realise it will be out of necessity that you're working FT and I sympathise because I think it would be tough.

Have you looked into any support that you may get from the government if you reduced your hours?

Yeah. It’s hard being a working parent.

…that’s it really.

i changed jobs. I have much more flexibility now. It’s still hard because it is hard (but not as ludicrous as it used to be).

I would book a half day and get the teeth sorted. Keep accurate records of work input and output in particular time it takes to get specific tasks done. Then if you feel necessary identify there is an unreasonable expectation of what is manageable in the work day.

Self care is generally a Saturday phenomena.

Self care is generally a Saturday phenomena

In my house Saturdays are ferrying kids to football and unfu**cking the house.

In the gentlest way; thousands of women have the same issue.

If some things are immovable, then look at what you can control.

Can you swap any ‘dead’ time, on your phone scrolling, watching TV etc for half an hour here or there?

Your teeth and eyes need priority. Book time off to get regular checkups and whatever work you need done. No quibble. You cannot martyr your basic needs.

What sort of self care do you mean in addition to that? Beauty treatments, exercise, meditation?

Can you car pool the lifts on Saturday. Perhaps cut down on the DC activities so you feel less frazzled?

It feels hard because it is hard. And that’s ok. But you cannot keep giving at the expense of your health.

Work out what is a necessity to achieve against what is expectation (either yours or other people’s).

You need to pal up with other parents and arrange to share lifts to activities, and to help each other out with sleepovers, afternoon play dates etc.
But in all honesty, whether you're a single parent or not, once you have kids time for yourself is pretty much out the window for several years.

I find the same and my kids are almost adults. Working full time is just knackering. I keep wondering how so many people seem to do it successfully.
I force myself to go to the gym in the morning before work but the house gets neglected all week then weekend is a scramble to sort it out.
(Kids have SEN so they don’t do as much as I’d like them to and I still have to parent them more than you’d expect at their age, although this is improving a little).

WFH can make an amazing difference, but some manager just don't like it. I work more hours and do a better job when I'm not stressing about the commute to drop off/pick up. I might mean you could squeeze in the dentist at lunchtime. If 2 days is their policy then they should be honouring that, but appreciate it's difficult if you're put under pressure to be in the office more than that.

Ask for a 9 day fortnight OP. Either lose a day a fortnight or if you don't want to lose the money work longer hours.

I loved a 9 day fortnight. Currently have health issues so it's not manageable, but when im better I'll be back to that.

Also, you can only do what you can do. It's your managers job to make sure you can manage your work/apply for another worker in the team if it's unsustainable as a whole.

There's no way I'd be able to work full time with children.
I only work two days and I only have one child. It's enough for me but then my DH brings in alot so I can afford to.
What's f*cked up is having to work full time to put food on the table.

Ask for a 9 day fortnight OP. Either lose a day a fortnight or if you don't want to lose the money work longer hours

I really like this idea.. I may investigate.

Well I just have to manage by doing my best on Thursday and Friday to sort house and have the joy of dental appointments on Saturday- all glam here.

It will get easier sorry it's tough now.

So we have a policy of flexible working where we can work 2 days at home per week.

Does the policy say everyone is entitled to work 2 days from home or is it at managers discretion? In your shoes I would make a flexible working request in writing asking for this to be formalised. That way you get your 2 days wfh without having to reduce your hours and lose pay.

You do have to be quite firm. I notice people slide ‘important’ meetings in my diary all over (usually urgent, not important) and I’ve actually had to be disciplined to say no - I have to eat, I have an appointment, I’m picking up
the kids.

if you don’t, people just carry on and don’t know there’s an issue.

Ha! Work interferes with my self care on a day basis. I’m a single parent and I need to work. What am I going to do about it?

I don’t mean to sound cynical but you’re being naive if you think most people can prioritise self care over their income. Ir shouldn’t be like this obviously but this surely can’t be a huge revelation?

I'm a little confused, was it just this one day your boss wanted you in or is he doing this all the time?
Do you regularly get the 2 days wfh if it's part of the company policy?

What would you like from outside of this arrangement to be able to help with your self care?
I'm very lucky with my work as they'd let me leave for the dentist appointment and fit work around it even if it was a day in the office. Have you spoken to them about policy for dental/hospital appointments?

If it’s a one off then I think YABU and should flex your WFH day, it’s a cliché but I do think flexibility goes both ways! But if it happens regularly then I think your boss is being very unreasonable.

I would see if you can formalise the WFH arrangement or agree a 9 day fortnight as above.

If they’re difficult about that, have you looked elsewhere? Most office jobs seem to offer 1-2 WFH days as standard now, some even more. It’s uncommon to be in the office 5 days a week.

Ha ironically I went in today and boss requested an online meeting as he was working from home due to a (light dusting) of snow. Hypocrisy or what??