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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want ILs to stay this long?

51 replies

User1815 · 07/03/2023 11:57

Hello,
SIL has suggested a weekend away with myself and DH along with FIL, his partner and their dog, which we agreed to. After some back and forth between SIL and FIL, FIL called to say they agreed they would actually drive to see us (3.5 minimum drive) and stay with us 4 nights. SIL will come to for one night.
AIBU to not want them to come this long? I was agreeable to 2 nights but 4 will mean they are still here when we are at work. I do not like the dog, it barks a lot, is extremely energetic and I am in a 2 bed terrace.
DH says it's because of the drive and he never makes the effort so we need to agree but I really want them to go after 2 nights. AIBU?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 07/03/2023 14:01

SIL has suggested a weekend away with myself and DH along with FIL, his partner and their dog, which we agreed to.

So, how is it now everyone staying at yours?

Say no and that you wanted a weekend away. People can’t just arrange between them to come and stay at your house.

Original poster
User1815 · 07/03/2023 15:47

It's exactly as I said unfortunately. SIL proposed a weekend away in a national park but somewhere along the line during subsequent phone calls between FIL and SIL it was decided they come to ours. We were never part of these phone calls and first we heard was "this has been decided..."
The thought of 4 nights/5 days just feels me with dread. I can cope with hosting for the 2 nights but for some reason the thought of any more just generates complete anxiety in me. The thought of the dog and how crazy she js makes things 1000 times worse.
We want to push back but DH js also anxious about what to say. We were considering saying we have somewhere to be Sunday night but DH thinks FIL will just say he will make himself scarce when we have plans. He's treating this as a holiday basically! DH also suggested we say we want some time to ourselves Sunday evening/Monday but I'm worried this will cause hurt feelings! It feels very delicate.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 07/03/2023 15:50

Just say no, ffs. People coming to you is not a break for you.

Say you agreed to a holiday and this is not a holiday! This isn’t what you said yes to.

Zippidydoda · 07/03/2023 15:53

YANBU - I would struggle having visitors that long. Also what is the point of them still being there if you are both at work?

We travel 4 hrs to see in-laws (with kids) and don’t stay with them more than 2 night. Stayed 4 nights once and it was awful for us all- was clearly too long.

can they stay at a local air B and B?

Delatron · 07/03/2023 15:54

They don’t get to change plans to you hosting without you agreeing to it! You agreed to a trip away - for a few nights.

Making up beds, cleaning, cooking, hosting is not what you have agreed to. If your DH won’t man up then just directly go to your SIL and say this is not what you agreed to but happy to still do a few nights away.

They are so rude to dump this on you. They get a trip away - you get the very opposite.

Sparkletastic · 07/03/2023 15:57

God no! You were planning a weekend away for all of you, not hosting for you and DH. Just say you want to stick with the original plan and find a weekend date that works better for SIL as well as FIL.

MamOfFive · 07/03/2023 16:00

Just say "ah we were really looking forward to going away, we're working Monday/Tuesday so shall we arrange another time in the near future?"

Shinyandnew1 · 07/03/2023 16:01

We want to push back but DH is also anxious about what to say

Tell him to man up or you’ll sort it! One of you ring his sister now.

They’ve planned something completely different to what you agreed to and they’ve planned it to happen in YOUR house.

Just say, ‘no, we wanted a break.’

Guis23 · 07/03/2023 16:31

Bit much inviting themselves to yours for 4 nights, family or not.
I wonder what changed it all ? SIL seems to be the organiser. Going away for a weekend. Now she is coming to you for one night.

I would turn them down. If you don't want them there then say no. Don't worry if anyone is put out. Nobody is worrying if you are. So don't worry about them.

Say we will all rearrange another time. DH should be worried about your feelings which nobody else seems to have considered.

Silvers11 · 07/03/2023 19:27

Shinyandnew1 · 07/03/2023 16:01

We want to push back but DH is also anxious about what to say

Tell him to man up or you’ll sort it! One of you ring his sister now.

They’ve planned something completely different to what you agreed to and they’ve planned it to happen in YOUR house.

Just say, ‘no, we wanted a break.’

This! I don't understand why you haven't just said NO - and pushed back immediately. You don't have to be rude about it and if they still have hurt feelings well they are using you! Are you always this reluctant to say no to your family?

bussteward · 07/03/2023 19:37

“Oh, we were looking forward to the weekend away – what a shame you can’t make it. Our house isn’t set up for a visit, especially with a dog in tow, so it’s a no from us. Have a look at cheekyfuckerhotelstays dot com if you’re fancying a mini break nearby.”

5foot5 · 07/03/2023 19:38

SIL proposed a weekend away in a national park but somewhere along the line during subsequent phone calls between FIL and SIL it was decided they come to ours.
How very dare they!
Don't make excuses to spare feelings, they haven't been considerate of yours.
Just be honest. "We were looking forward to a nice weekend break away. We did not expect to be hosting everyone for 4 nights. Please can we revert to the original plan."

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 07/03/2023 19:40

Where does SiL live? Could they do 2 nights with you and 2 with her?

Coffeepot72 · 07/03/2023 19:42

For heaven’s sake OP, just tell them no!

NotAnotherBathBomb · 07/03/2023 20:02

'Let's do the original plan at X, we cannot host you all for so long.'

AlisonDonut · 07/03/2023 20:42

We want to push back but DH is also anxious about what to say.

'We were looking forward to GOING AWAY so we'll be at NATIONAL PARK that weekend as we discussed. Let us know if you decide to make it'.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2023 20:51

Don't be a doormat. You're an adult, this is your home, stand up for yourself, FGS. They can come for two nights and a huge absolutely not to the dog coming with them.

MeridianB · 07/03/2023 21:00

They can’t just decide they are holidaying your home! You don’t have room anyway.

Stop pussyfooting around and tell them “that doesn’t work for us” on repeat.

Don’t get into reasons and excuses and fibs as CFs will always find a way round anything you say.

JudgeJ · 07/03/2023 21:10

00100001 · 07/03/2023 13:17

Such a long journey??? It's 3.5hrs not 35....

2 nights is reasonable for that distance.

Show quote history

This is MN, 3.5 hours is a major trek whereas in the real world it's often a day trip!

Lovebigboobs · 07/03/2023 21:49

Could you go to stay at theirs? You would still have the dog but would be easier to go to work and things?

MichelleScarn · 07/03/2023 22:00

Can't believe the arrogance and would give me the fear of how they'll expect the 'holiday' to go.
From "we decided not to book somewhere to go to and we're staying with you"
Next it'll be
"We've decided it's a fry up for breakfast every morning, if you could get that in and make it"
"We'd like steak for for dinner the first night"
"Take us to the pub on this night"
Etc etc!

evemillbank · 07/03/2023 22:08

Bloody hell just say no!

AnxietyLevelMax · 08/03/2023 06:17

It is her family and please bug off.

AnxietyLevelMax · 08/03/2023 06:18

Above to @StuartBroadshairband

RampantIvy · 08/03/2023 06:27
  1. We were looking forward to a weekend away
  2. We don't have room to put you all up
  3. We can't accommodate the dog
  4. We are working for 2 of those days

Tell your DH to man up or tell them yourself.