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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being ungrateful?!!

16 replies

chinadoll90 · 07/03/2023 10:11

Long story short SIL and I do not have the best relationship. At best it can be awkward. It predominantly stems from a visit to our home a few years ago where she said to me that it was very evident her brother (DH) was sexually frustrated and questionned if I understood men "had needs." Her 6 year old child at the time also commented that I didn't feed DD properly. Since then, I have always side stepped her somewhat, don't go out of my way to initiate messages etc and I've never really forgotten or forgiven what she said. DH said it was not a good time for her as shortly after her marriage broke up.

So school holidays cropped up. MIL and FIL asked if they could come and stay for a week with us in the summer. No objections as they live 7 hours away and don't get much of an opportunity to have some 1:1 time with DD. SIL and nephew have been living with them for the past 3 years so MIL often feels she doesn't get the opportunity to have special time as a result. I asked DH to query that it would just be MIL and FIL coming and not the whole entourage - single BIL, SIL and nephew. He confirmed that it would not. 30 minutes later DH receives a text message from SIL asking if she can also come down (alternative week to MIL) to do the same. It would also be a holiday for her and nephew. I feel a bit hoodwinked after agreeing to MIL and FIL. I've reluctantly said yes, but am I being ungrateful in that she would be providing a week of childcare? I would still be working, but was planning to use the local holiday club. I have said to DH that I don't want their visits to be 2 consecutive weeks. When DH's family visit we tend to argue as I find it all a bit much. So am I ungrateful re SIL visit and being petty over what has been said and gone on in the past?

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 07/03/2023 10:16

I can't imagine someone discussing DH's "needs" with me. "At best being awkward" sounds like huge restraint on your part. As for being grateful it's a tough one. Would your life be easier if she wasn't there? Maybe she should be grateful? Also has childcare been explicitly discussed? Is she aware you're actually working and not wfh faking- as some people seem to imagine.

Riverlee · 07/03/2023 10:16

Does she think you will be looking after your nephew during the week, or does she realise you will still be at work? I think you need to make this clear to us to prevent any misunderstanding.

Mialouu · 07/03/2023 10:20

What context did she say it in? Jokingly in conversation?

gamerchick · 07/03/2023 10:23

Message her back with it's great you're offering childcare as we're at work all week and send a beefy schedule in advance.

She might back out.

MaggieMagpie357 · 07/03/2023 10:33

I can't really get past a sister commenting that her brother looks sexually frustrated. That's beyond weird.

chinadoll90 · 07/03/2023 10:36

Mialouu · 07/03/2023 10:20

What context did she say it in? Jokingly in conversation?

So DH and I had been out for an evening and she was visiting with MIL. DH had been up since 5am and was shattered so went straight to bed. I thought I had better be social so sat with them and she then made a comment that I should have gone up with DH as we should be "swinging from the chandeliers" and then made the other remarks. I didn't find it funny and I believe it was said with intent.

OP posts:
chinadoll90 · 07/03/2023 10:37

I also WFH and I am not taking annual leave. I will not be looking after nephew. I may actually go and work on site that week.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 07/03/2023 10:40

To be honest the comment sounds I'll judged but not malicious. I kind of can't believe you've not moved past it already, if otherwise she is ok.

Having said that, a week is quite a long time!

Dudum · 07/03/2023 10:43

Fucking hell, so she was just joking? 🤣

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 07/03/2023 10:46

To be honest in that context it sounds like one of those comments that speaks volumes about the person saying it and had very little to do with the subject or audience.

Mialouu · 07/03/2023 10:50

I mean I'd have definitely taken that as a joke.

Crunchymum · 07/03/2023 10:52

she then made a comment that I should have gone up with DH as we should be "swinging from the chandeliers" and then made the other remarks. I didn't find it funny and I believe it was said with intent

Really? Just really?

Mortimercat · 07/03/2023 10:55

chinadoll90 · 07/03/2023 10:36

So DH and I had been out for an evening and she was visiting with MIL. DH had been up since 5am and was shattered so went straight to bed. I thought I had better be social so sat with them and she then made a comment that I should have gone up with DH as we should be "swinging from the chandeliers" and then made the other remarks. I didn't find it funny and I believe it was said with intent.

I wouldn’t have found it particularly funny either, but it is nothing like what you said in your first post.

Kyokyo · 07/03/2023 11:18

Regardless of whether your SIL was joking or not, its clear you not comfortable around her.

Personally couldn't let someone I disliked and/or felt uncomfortable around, come into my home, let alone stay there for a week. So on that basis I would have said absolutely not to them staying.

If DH felt strongly about letting them stay, then i'd move out for the week. As I get older, I realise that its just not worth making yourself miserable just to be polite or accommodating of others needs and its better to put boundaries in place.

Why should you accommodate SIL if you don't want to ? If they really want a week away from home, they can rent an air bnb

UdoU · 07/03/2023 11:19

chinadoll90 · 07/03/2023 10:37

I also WFH and I am not taking annual leave. I will not be looking after nephew. I may actually go and work on site that week.

I’d also make it clear to DH that he needs to host his parents and his SIL not you.

How do you usually manage visitors? Are tasks shared?

NerdyBird · 07/03/2023 11:52

I wouldn't find that comment funny, but actually I'd be more annoyed about her 6 year old commenting on your feeding of DD. It feels like parroting an adult.

Arrange to work onsite and make it super clear to DH that he needs to sort out him/SIL looking after your DD or book her into holiday club. And he is to do hosting/cooking.

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