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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu for being concerned and not to know what to do?

15 replies

sweatynoob · 07/03/2023 09:03

NC as have a difficult history with my ex

My ex and I split 3 years ago following a very difficult relationship. 15 years of abuse, control and domestic violence that I finally walked away from. I’ve met someone else and we are happy. My ex and I have 3 children together DD12 DS10 and DS5. He hasn’t been interested in them much at all and disappeared for six months at one point.

So my worry is that I am seeing the same manipulation he used to do to me with our daughter - messaging her at random times of the day and night asking her to do things comments like ‘you dont love me as you wont do x’ - this is all the same manipulations he used to do to me all the time and just general control wanting to know what she is up to where she is and what ‘we’ are doing all the time.

aibu to be concerned? I dont know what to do to stop him from inflicting similar abuse on our daughter or what to do to help her see she doesnt have to do what he says to prove anything.

OP posts:

Nimbostratus100 · 07/03/2023 09:07

I guess you just need an open conversation with her about his manipulation

Original poster

sweatynoob · 07/03/2023 09:30

The problem with that is he turns everything onto ‘your mom doesnt like me’ and uses it more

OP posts:

7Worfs · 07/03/2023 09:37

Do you think your daughter is ready to know the context, and for you to provide it without emotion?

She also doesn’t have to read and reply (right away or at all). Best to leave her mobile downstairs at night too.

FetchezLaVache · 07/03/2023 09:46

Very difficult and I can sympathise as I am going through similar - not the kind of manipulation you describe, but generally the same behaviours that led to my leaving, but towards DS (12) - shoutiness, rants, turning one's own words back on one, negativity, etc.

My view is that our DCs need to know that it is OK to reject this kind of treatment. Has your DD opened up to you about it, because if so, I think it is absolutely fine to say things like, Daddy did that to me too and it's not healthy or acceptable because XYZ. If she's not come to you to talk about it, it could be that she doesn't see it as wrong and I feel it's even more important for you to intervene as she might carry that acceptance of poor behaviour through to adult relationship choices.

DS is 'having a break' from Daddy at the moment and is 'really enjoying it'.

MrsCarson · 07/03/2023 09:53

At 12 I'd probably remove her phone for a while. Give her a break, and in the meantime have a talk about abuse and control or find her some counselling Do they do the freedom program for young teens?

Original poster

sweatynoob · 07/03/2023 09:58

I do remove her phone and night and we have screenfree nights. Its very difficult as he will then start manipulating her when she goes to his. She has opted out of going a few times and then he guilts her the next time.

The problem is he also plays ‘disney dad’ promising her things and not coming through but she believes him every single time regardless of what I say or when I remind her he promised x and didnt do that before. He just constantly paints me out as the bad guy as I do all the parenting. They only go to see him for 8 hours a month.

OP posts:

Original poster

sweatynoob · 07/03/2023 09:59

sweatynoob · 07/03/2023 09:58

I mean remove her phone at night and we have screen free evenings- but like every other 12 year old she wants to interact with her friends at times

OP posts:

GoldDuster · 07/03/2023 10:18

Your DD watched what happened in your relationship with your ex for 9 years. She is going to need support to understand that that is not how we do things, that control and manipulation isn't acceptable no matter who is doing it, and to understand that when something doesn't feel right, it's not right, regardless of what the person is telling her. This will help her to not go down the same road, not only with her father but in her own relationships in future.

Try not to focus too much on what he says about you, your kids are with you the vast majority of the time, and you can show them on a daily basis exactly who you are and how you feel about them.

They're not daft. Try not to get drawn in to his bullshit, you get out what you put in when it comes to kids and it's a long game. Take the high ground, it will pay off.

forrestgreen · 07/03/2023 10:20

Rather than talk about her and him. Talk about you and him, how he used to say x to manipulate you. That he used to offer to buy me x but it rarely appeared.

Then say you don't think he's changed much, does she see any parallels in his behaviour with dd.

How would she like to handle it. She could mute him for a few days if he's being overwhelming etc. explain that she's old enough to have equal control in the relationship. That we shouldn't just be nice to please others etc.

Mialouu · 07/03/2023 10:28

Just be honest with her. Tell her how he would make empty promises, try and guilt you into things, and that she is ok to speak to you about anything and doesn't have to feel guilty about things. You need to do it without emotion or name calling, as it will just look like you're having a dig.

Original poster

sweatynoob · 07/03/2023 11:32

Thank you. I really appreciate hearing your perspectives and I guess I do need to have the conversations with her. Just hard sometimes as he spins everything and she will tell him what I say. He’s so clever - looking through her phone and reading the messages last night it was just like reading the messages he used to send me. I can see the anxiety in her as she is so massively defensive about anyone saying anything about him - exactly how I used to be.

OP posts:

GoldDuster · 07/03/2023 11:36

Instead of telling her what he used to do to you, could you talk to her generally and let her draw her own conclusions?

So instead of "your dad" could you talk more in general about boundaries, about manipulation, and use "some people" and "you might find" so you don't put her in the middle. This can then be applied to school friends, future relationships and won't make her feel like she's stuck in the middle or add fuel to the fire if she repeats it to him.

It's a fine line to walk, definitely, try and take your personal feelings about him out of it while equipping her with what she needs to know.

Original poster

sweatynoob · 07/03/2023 15:36

Good idea thank you

OP posts:

Dontknowwhyidoit · 07/03/2023 15:45

I would talk to her about what healthy relationships look like, types of behaviours that are good and not good, I would not talk about what happened between yourself and her father. If she has already seen abuse, it is paramount that she learns about boundaries and the difference between caring and controlling behaviour. There is lots of information on line that you could use to talk to her.

Original poster

sweatynoob · 07/03/2023 19:23

Thank you! She absolutely has seen abuse. I’ve found out all sort’s since he left that he used to do to the kids as well. Things like leave them downstairs while he went to bed during lockdown while I was at work

OP posts:

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