Second child

[Emzbee]

The story behind this is we had our ds in 2020. I went back to work a year later and really struggled between being a working parent, some unresolved work behaviours and working from home. It lead to a period of depression and a year of therapy. I’m now in a fairly stable place. However, my dh and I prior to my depressive episode wanted 2 kids. Since then he’s declared he really doesn’t want a second one. We have discussed why (fear of the birth, mental health, money) but every time I try to speak he goes into a thousand reasons it’s a bad idea and has said on the money front we would have to sell the house/get better paid jobs. All of which I feel are blowing it out of proportion. On the mental health front I feel demoralised as I feel like the progress I have made is barely noticed. I know a second would be hard, but I feel now I know more about what to expect on the return to work.
hes scared our marriage will end due to the stress of a second child, I’m scared I will resent him in the long run. I’m constantly reminded of babies/siblings and i know I’m impacted by the stillbirth of an half sibling. Also I really only have a few years to have children so time is not totally on my side.
if anyone has any words of wisdom to share please do :)

Speak to your partner.

I can see both sides of this so you need to talk about it between you and find a way to move forward.

In my case number two then turned out to be twins! Life has never been the same again. It's tough.

I don’t think that you being “fairly stable” is much reassurance, considering how difficult you say it was for the both of you the first time around. What do you think the difference between fairly stable and very stable looks like? What does he think? Ask him if he’d want another child if he witnessed you getting back to very stable. Is he blowing it out of proportion to say you’d need to sell the house and her higher paying jobs, or are you minimising it? Have you actually sat down together and gone through current and projected finances properly?

It sounds like things have been better for a year, maybe 18 months, and fairly stable isn’t wildly convincing given what you both must have gone through. For most of your son’s life you’ve been having a tough time, maybe you need to give it a while longer, make sure your mental health continues to stay well, to enjoy the child you have. Being depressed is difficult, loving someone who’s depressed is difficult. Having a second baby isn’t a reward for getting better.

Maybe counselling would help you both to really open up about how you feel, what you want, what you’re worried about in a safe space.

I can see where you’re coming from, I also completely understand his reasonable worries on the mental health front never mind the other issues. Is he right you’d need more money and to move? Maybe they’re his genuine worries rather than excuses.

To give context by fairly stable - I mean I’m well (I have my days when I’m not so great) but I can work, look after myself and my son. I have long term depression and it can really impact me and my family but I also have never not got support and help.
I think we do need to talk about it and have tried but I feel fear is on his side and mine means the conversation goes nowhere. Money definitely needs to be talked about : I think like anyone nursery fees are high so they do have an impact but my ds will be at school in the next few years (a different kind of expense). Im pretty sure we can have ways to make it work - no doubt it will be hard at times.

Hi there. I was in a very similar situation. Had my first in 2018 and struggled massively with my mental health. Hated it. I had a tough labour and living circumstances and lack of support meant I went into a bad state of PND. When I went back to work I struggled massively with it. Again no support and found it tough to balance but I did it. Then when lockdown hit I went into another depression because I was basically forced by my husband to stop working due to Covid.
When I went back to work after this period I did struggle with workload and family life but this due to big expectations from my husband and my full on child. Anyway my husband had been wanting a child for a year before I said I would. I had a lot of worries. Regarding my mental health physical health and doing the late nights feeding and weaning all over again with a very demanding husband and child already. He coerced me into having another. And now I'm sat here with a 10 month old. I've done 99% of it all alone with this one. My husband doesn't support he just constantly tells me what to do and tells me I'm not good enough. I actually feel suicidal I'm in such a bad place. Don't get me wrong I love my baby to bits. But it won't solve anything. It'll only make things worse at least for a little while. I'm glad my eldest now has a sibling and husband is happy. I'm completely broken though.

I had a second child and he is wonderful and easy going. A dream.

@hunyouok I hope you're ok and making plans to leave your abusive marriage.

OP I felt like you. I really wanted a second but we both struggled with the first, in different ways, and my husband went back on saying he wanted children and wanted to settle at one child.

We talked a lot and had a second in the end. But in all honesty I think we both regretted it for the first two years and it did almost break us and that was without mental health and money worries. He never threw the 'well you wanted this' back in my face but I felt it was there. My first had been a pretty average baby but my second was a nightmare, sleep was terrible, eating was awful, the whole thing triggered a long term health condition that I thought I'd completely got over and I almost lost my job. We thought we'd made the adjustment to being parents but I personally also found going from 1 to 2 a huge adjustment, there is just no free time and very little tag teaming if they're at different stages and have different interests...everyone said the second just slots into your life and that's probably true for some babies but not this one, our whole life revolved around being home to try and get them to nap etc and it did curtail what we could do with the toddler for a good couple of years.

I'm not trying to put you off - it did actually work out ok for us in the end, my husband loves our youngest, they are amazing, the siblings are very very different but usually get on ok (though not sure how their personalities will get on when they are older)...but actually both me and my husband should have listened to each other more. I was all 'it'll be fine' but it did put the huge strain on our relationship that he'd predicted. It only felt like it got back to normal when the youngest was around 4. The baby stage was just as hard and not as awe inspiring the second time round.

I think your husband is probably being quite sensible here, IMO.

It’s such a gamble when you have any child. You could have a great sleeper with an easy temperament. You could have a baby with reflux. You could have a baby with a disability. You could have twins. Equally, your own response comes into play - you could feel far more calm and equipped to handle things this time round, or the opposite. You won’t know until it happens. I know you said time isn’t on your side but could you wait another 6 months/year? Continue working on yourself, perhaps get some savings behind you if you can, and then approach the subject again. However, I think unfortunately the partner than doesn’t want another ‘wins’ in this situation - you wouldn’t want to bring a fully wanted child into the world and risk your marriage etc. use the 6-12 months to really consider what you are willing to compromise. You already have a lovely dc, a job, financial stability, are doing well mental health wise. Would you be willing to possibly change this for another baby?

@hunyouok sending you strength. You sound clear headed but stuck in a difficult situation. Is there anyone you can talk to?

OP - from a money point of view we left enough of a gap that we didn't have 2 in nursery at the same time because that would have finished us off financially. From an emotional point of view, my kids have an amazing bond, play together, support each other (are little shits together) and it's the best thing we ever did. DS1 is neurodivergent and was a difficult baby in that I had no clue what he wanted and I felt totally useless and exhausted all the time. DD2 was straightforward although didn't sleep well but it was easier the second time round and DS was old enough to be able to help me by singing her to sleep or keep me company while I was looking after DD. You say that it's being back at work that you find difficult. Can you get a different job where they are more supportive of you?

I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a tough time, and I know how much the last few years have been exhausting as I also have a child born in 2020.
However if you suffer from long term depression and have ‘off days’ regularly, I wouldn’t be having another child any time soon. It will only make things more difficult. Your husband is right to be cautious and only wanting to stick to one at the moment.