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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Work tensions

25 replies

SilverSprite · 06/03/2023 21:18

I recently made a an error in managing a difficult situation with someone I manage at work. I basically took over a bit too much which in retrospect made that person feel I did not trust their opinion and expertise at managing it. I realised what I had done and have done my best to apologise, say I am grateful for the work they are doing and that their views will be respected. I have to stay involved somewhat as I am being asked questions about it from my managers but realise I needed to back off.

My colleague who is also in a similar management role to me mentioned this situation today. I said I had messed up and had tried to fix it. He said he had received a text from the employee which he showed me which read ‘she is passive aggressive and a narcissist’. He has told me to leave it and he will smooth things over.

I know people say things about others all the time that they would not want to hear and I also know I messed up on this occasion unfortunately. Although it would be a lie to say I am not upset, my main concern is to fix things with that employee in time and hopefully not make that error again.

However, my bigger concern is that this management colleague does have a habit of being quite detailed about any criticism he hears about me. AIBU to think sharing that kind of detail with me is a bit off or is he genuinely trying to be helpful?

OP posts:

Mialouu · 06/03/2023 23:43

He probably thinks he's doing you a favour. I'd want to know what someone is saying about me. It would help me fix my behaviour.

Pumpkintopf · 07/03/2023 00:24

If what your colleague is telling you you find upsetting because you can't act on it I would say to them 'please don't tell me unless you're happy for me to speak to the person who has an issue. Please encourage that person to speak to me directly if they have something to raise'.

You can't act on this second hand criticism and it's unnecessary and undermining of your colleague to pass it on to you IMO.

peonybeau · 07/03/2023 02:14

I agree with @Pumpkintopf. Sound advice.

Original poster

SilverSprite · 07/03/2023 07:48

The annoying thing is I had already realised what I’d done and tried to apologise. Now I feel I can’t do anything more as he will realise my colleague has told me what he said. He is not someone who would like conflict I think so would certainly not have wanted that shared.

OP posts:

Iusethem · 07/03/2023 07:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

SilverSprite · 07/03/2023 07:55

That is usually what I have thought Mialouu but don’t most people usually try to be a bit tactful about how? Perhaps saying that someone is upset rather than sharing the actual text. However actually, if someone is constantly passing on every unkind thing anyone says privately in its full detail, I am not sure how helpful it actually is.

OP posts:

Mialouu · 07/03/2023 07:59

You could have just said please don't show me? I know you already know you were wrong, but best to just own it and move on. No point dwelling on someone showing you a text. But you now know for sure that the person you were horrible to didn't like it so you've got some work to do in turning that opinion round. Instead of now hating on person 2 as well for being honest with you. Time to look at yourself to be honest.

Mialouu · 07/03/2023 08:03

Bad choice of words from me, not the person you were horrible to that's not what I meant, i meant the person you took over too much with and left a negative feeling.

TinySaltLick · 07/03/2023 08:07

Are you saying you now can't stop being passive aggressive or a narcissist because they will think you have seen the text message?

VeryInteresting12 · 07/03/2023 08:10

I think your colleague is playing you for their own gain.
I think you need some help to manage your relationships at work in an open and supportive way- maybe some training/ coaching?
I sympathise totally - I was a nightmare boss for some time- much worse than what you’ve done. It took a while, but I dismantled myself a bit and now I’m very much happier in myself and very much more able to work with others more openly and comfortably

Original poster

SilverSprite · 07/03/2023 08:17

No 😀
I mean it was a very high stress situation for everyone, with a lot of involvement from higher management getting irritable. I took over when I should have held my nerve and backed off to support my employee. I have already apologised to the employee but they are still hurt.
Under ordinary circumstances I would have gone back to them now things are a bit more settled and apologised again. My colleague has advised to leave it and he will smooth it over. So, do I trust him to do that or try to apologise again myself?

OP posts:

MRex · 07/03/2023 08:17

It looks like many are assuming it is de facto true, when actually maybe you just overstepped in advice a small amount, and your direct report is libelling you quite severely around the business. It is tricky without knowing all the characters, work culture and situation a bit better, because in some situations I'd involve HR, in some I'd talk directly to the person about their message, and in others I'd just write it off as the report venting. Take a middle ground and get input from your line manager about how to handle it.

Original poster

SilverSprite · 07/03/2023 08:17

Sorry that was meant in reply to tinysaltlick

OP posts:

MRex · 07/03/2023 08:18

My colleague has advised to leave it and he will smooth it over. So, do I trust him to do that or try to apologise again myself?
No. Do what you would have done or get other advice, the colleague may not have your best interests at heart.

Original poster

SilverSprite · 07/03/2023 08:20

mRex, I did overstep definitely. I don’t think the employee is talking to everyone and would be mortified if he knew it had got back to me. It was hugely pressured and I think he is just venting to someone he trusts not to pass it on. I’m not upset with him at all. It’s how I handle my colleague that bothers me.

OP posts:

MRex · 07/03/2023 08:25

If that's how you feel, then I'd speak to the employee privately. He should know the colleqgue isn't respecting his confidence, and that you want to resolve matters.

ChristmasCakeAndGin · 07/03/2023 08:26

Do not trust your colleague. They may appear to be helpful but they do not have your interests at heart. They are very likely trying to undermine you. Just tell them that you are dealing with it.
I would actually report them to HR for showing me a confidential comment someone made to them.
Deal with the issue yourself, with the employee and with HR. Don't worry that you made a mistake. Try to reframe it in your own head as you are just learning to be a manager, and will do better next time.

Original poster

SilverSprite · 07/03/2023 08:27

Work culture is pretty awful and toxic at the moment so it is hard to know if involving line management would be helpful or make things worse.
Thanks, I will speak to the employee as if I had not known about the text and try to improve things with him. I’ll ask my colleague to not share info I can’t act on.

OP posts:

PersonaNonGarter · 07/03/2023 08:27

Well I think it is very obvious you aren’t a narcissist from your post. And anyone texting senior management with such a serious accusation is a bit basic. And showing you the text is lame. So in terms of business management skills, don’t feel too bad about your behaviour when your colleagues are not exactly leading.

Just don’t add any fuel to the fire. You are thinking deeply about this because you are nice, care about your role and want to improve. All of that is wasted if what happens is just a churn of discussion about the original incident. My strong advice is to never speak of it again and to nod in active listening way whenever someone mentions it. Even more senior people. If you feel you need to say more then just say ‘noted’. And move on.

PersonaNonGarter · 07/03/2023 08:28

Btw, are you a lawyer?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 07/03/2023 08:39

You've already apologised to colleague, you don't need to apologise again. I'd ignore the text as a rant and just naturally rebuild your relationship/trust with your colleague.

You need to let this go... it's eating you up. It happened. You apologised. Move on...

This might mean moving to another job. It all sounds very toxic where you are. The focus should be on work not disagreements, texts and insults.

Quveas · 07/03/2023 08:40

SilverSprite · 07/03/2023 08:20

Stop apologising. You made an error of judgement when dealing with a member of staff. So you're a human being then? You have recognised what you did, been the adult and admitted it, apologised, and now you need to move on. As for your colleague do not let him get involved, as it is none of his business, and that is the ONLY response that he should have made to your member of staff. If someone came to me complaining about their manager - rightly or wrongly - I would tell them to take it up with their manager or to use the appropriate processes to escalate it. It is not my job to manage their manager and it is unprofessional to be seen to be getting involved.

And I absolutely would make it clear, albeit in a neutral way, that you know what was said. I would simply put it in the terms of "I have acknowledged already that I could have managed the situation better, and would like to move on in a more positive light. But I would also like to make it clear that it is unprofessional to make comments such as you did, in a text, to another manager. If you feel aggrieved then you can speak to me, or use the appropriate processes to submit a grievance, but I do not appreciate backbiting and nasty comments to other managers, and it will not be tolerated in the future". Yes, you made a mistake. They have never made one? Escalating a dififcult situation with back-biting is not the way to improve matters. And those comments are now always going to be between you if you don't tackle it. They will always think it's ok to run to other managers and make such comments, you will wonder if they are doing that every time you deal with them on any matter, and you will always wonder what they think of you now. Best out in the open and then you can both move on.

mumonthehill · 07/03/2023 09:08

Trust has broken down in all areas and this is difficult to get back. You have apologised, i take it you have reflected and now look to manage in a different way. Under pressure we all make mistakes and you were under pressure. If a member of your team has an issue with you they speak to you or HR. I think it may be time to move on as text messages like that are damaging for you, and your team member. Just be positive, a good manager accepts responsibility and moves on and that is what you are doing. Oh and the manager who received the text should have made it clear the process that the team member should have followed and such texts are unprofessional.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/03/2023 09:22

The collageue was very wrong to show you that text.

It would have been sent in confidence - we all rant at times and its letting off steam sometimes rather than things that we truly 100% mean - the employee would probably be mortified if they knew. Also there is no purpose to it - youd already addressed the situation, adding in the text doesn't change anything.

You've already apologised, I don't think apologising again will add anything. I think what may add anything is having another meeting where you acknowledge again you've upset them and say 'these are the things I was thinking of doing if the situation arose again' and get that employees input. For example maybe they want a chance to present their work to higher management or something and you could support that. Actions show you've taken on board feedback much stronger than words

Original poster

SilverSprite · 07/03/2023 20:03

Thankyou all, lots of good advice. Not a lawyer, but it is one of the professions.
It is such a difficult environment currently it is hard to judge sometimes what’s normal any more.

OP posts:

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