To ask you what is wrong with me?

[stilllill]

I’m mid-20s and thinking seriously about being a single mum by choice. I know it sounds like a silly idea, but I’ve always wanted to be a mum above all else. I have endometriosis and would like to begin trying sooner rather than later because I foresee fertility trouble.

Here is the issue: I’ve never had a BF. I struggle slightly socially, am at best very very average in terms of appearance and have had awful experiences with the few men I’ve been in any sort of closer contact with in my life (dad, step dad, family friends, brother).

The thing is, I don’t think I want a boyfriend, or a relationship. I’m a virgin and sex isn’t something that interests me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone and felt sexually attracted to them. I’ve never even kissed someone and don’t think I’d like to.

More than anything I’m sad I don’t feel these things. I’d just like a normal life . I’m wondering if I’ve come to a point where because I’ve gone so long telling myself I couldn’t be in a relationship if I wanted to, that I’ve convinced myself I don’t feel anything? I was also sexually abused for many years during childhood, so am wondering whether this might be the cause?

Strange place to ask, I know, but I’d like opinions on how to resolve this/what the issue is/whether I’m just being silly?

I think you should go to counselling first before making any big decisions. Many people manage just fine being a single parent, and I know some who are that by choice, but I think it would benefit you to talk through it all with someone as you've obviously had a lot of past trauma and should probably work through how that is impacting your feelings now. How's your support network if you did do that?

I agree with softarrows. Please find yourself a counsellor. Please don't rush into being a single parent - it is bloody hard work and lonely. You need to resolve your past traumatic experiences first.

You sound vulnerable and numb to your trauma which means your child may also be vulnerable as well. Please get some counselling. If you want to be a single mother by choice, great. But having a baby without a support system or without addressing any of your childhood or upbringing won’t produce good outcomes for your child.

I think having a baby to fix yourself is a really, really bad idea.

You’re not silly at all. You have gone through massive trauma which has possibly left you feeling dissociated. My advice to you would be to prioritise accessing therapy, good therapy with a therapist you can trust.

I really appreciate the responses

@softarrows I agree entirely and am on a waiting list for counselling, unfortunately my support network when it comes this sort of thing is non-existent.

@CalistoNoSolo I won’t until I’m mentally in a better place, however it’s not to fix myself at all. I’m very competent day to day!

Being competent day by day means nothing. Having a child will bring back all the trauma and will trigger you immensely. You have no support network that will enable you to work, it seems. How will you live? You don’t have a family who can do childcare or help out financially.

You will very quickly have to go crawling back to your abusive family. You will have no other options. This is how generational abuse and poverty persist.

I think for those who have been sexually and sexually harassed or not inspired to do so there must be a reason, maybe your past experiences of sexual abuse keep you from fearing vampire survivors. For psychological healing, there is no other way but support from a mental health professional to overcome these difficulties.

Fuck being a single parent honestly. It's the hardest thing in the world to do.

I say this kinda half joking but what about a cat or a dog?