To want to go on some actual dates

[squirrelsue]

I'm a single parent and I've been dating a fellow single parent for about 3 months.

It's going really well but he rarely commits to a plan ahead of time. His ex is a bit unpredictable and often drops his sons on him last minute, which is a factor, although he also just isn't much of a planner.

Because my spare time is precious, when my kids are with their dadI fill up my time with sports and friends, usually weeks in advance. I refuse to keep days free for him on the off-chance he ends up being free. So I'm never really free last-minute. If I were, I have no doubt we'd see each other more.

He's understanding about this and will come and meet me after my tennis match, for example, but even this is only ever a vague plan and dependent on when my match ends and what he's up to. We'll grab lunch if he has a client near my office.

On one hand I actually quite like it. I can completely live my life without having to make time for another person.

On the other hand, I feel like I am struggling to get to know him because we aren't ever just spending a block of time together. We probably grab a 90 mins a week together, max (although we talk on the phone a ton).

I wonder if I'm just stuck in my preconceived notions of how dating should look. I actually don't dislike the dynamic, it just feels a bit strange when I look at it objectively,

(Incidentally, there isn't anything untoward going on. He calls a lot and I trust him).

Sorry, I should've linked this back to my thread title. I guess I'm wondering if I'm wrong to think it's odd that we never do any actual pre-planned dates.

I don't think I could live with the unpredictability of it. Like you, my spare time is precious as it's very limited. I would like to have some commitment and fixed days/ times in advance so that I can plan other things around it. And yes, at 3 months in I would definitely expect there to be regular dates that are longer than 90 minutes. The occasional dinner, movie, axt throwing (whatever your thing is 😉) should definitely be expected.
I'm 7 months into a new relationship and we spent whole weekends together which generally involve some kind of "date night". We also enjoy doing a sport together regularly. It's nice to have someone to do this with and for me that's a big part of having a relationship (apart from the other more obvious benefits)
Ultimately you need to decide if this setup is enough for you. It's not been long and you're already unsure. Think about what you really want, maybe a fixed day a week plus the occasional spontaneous one if it works, and tell him. Then decide if you like his answer.

I’d find that deeply frustrating in your shoes. I’m married with a young child, but as DH travels a lot for work and all childcare possibilities are eaten up during working day, my leisure time during which I can go out is very limited, and going out at night or at the weekend needs to be scheduled and planned well in advance with DH — I mean, I know what I’m doing on June 2nd. I get frustrated with friends who need to have lack of spontaneity explained to them repeatedly. If he wants to prioritise your relationship, he needs to firm up dates he can be free in advance, with his child’s other parent.

No, YANBU. He doesn't sound like a bad person but you can't live your life like that, and presumably it would still be an issue if things became more serious.