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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit miffed?

19 replies

sunshinepleasecome · 06/03/2023 07:47

I am in my early 30s. I moved out of my parents home when I was 25. There are several reasons I didn't/ couldn't before - due to low salary, work location at the time, relationship circumstances and I hadn't passed my driving test until that point.

When I was living with my parents in early 20s, I was in my first job commuting for 3 hours a day, spending £220 on train tickets and earning £16k. Sounds mad but I had to do this to start a career - the local jobs were very limited. I was out of the house for 12 hours a day, and spent most weekends at my boyfriend's house 50 miles away. When I was at home it was hellish - younger siblings making noise 24/7 (I was the oldest child).

With all this going on, my dad was on my back on an almost daily basis to get my to move out. He made my life difficult so I wouldn't want to be there. For example I had a tiny box bedroom, while my younger siblings were given double bedrooms. I couldn't have my boyfriend to stay while younger siblings had their boyfriends round several times a week. When I had to sleep because I had to get up for work at 6am no one cared, the radio would be on at 11pm etc. I had to sleep with ear plugs. I had to pay more 'rent' than my younger sister even though she earned more than I did without the commute. I was served an eviction letter when I refused to pay unless she paid the same.

Leaving was definitely the right choice, and I'm glad I did. But what irritates me is the difference in how my sister is treated. She is 2 years younger than me, but she still lives in the family home. She is 30, earns a good salary £35k, works from home (so no commute), and has her boyfriend to stay most weekends. She goes on several Luxury holidays a year and has no financial obligations, and my father doesn't say anything to her about moving out like he did with me. She has a very easy life and I'm wondering why we were treated so differently.

AIBU to think it's a bit off? I don't speak to my parents much, I only visit about three times a year, but I just wonder why I'm the black sheep of the family.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 06/03/2023 07:50

well it is a bit off but you have pretty much gone LC? do they ask you to visit? have you asked them why they treat you so differently?

TBH you can let it eat you up or you can let it go and move on with your life, without your parents. Are they going to expect you to help out when they are elderly? if they ever ask, or your siblings ask, do you have your answer ready?

Some families are great, some are shit and it is the luck of the draw which one you get.

Whataretheodds · 06/03/2023 07:52

I don't know how to find it but hopefully someone soon will be on to recommend the Stately Homes thread.

It doesn't sound as though you're being treated fairly, no.

Zcity · 06/03/2023 07:52

That's really, really hurtful, OP.

You've done brilliantly to stand on your own two feet and should be very proud of yourself.

When your parents are older and need help/care, I'm sure your siblings will feel more inclined to be involved than you will...

Original poster

sunshinepleasecome · 06/03/2023 07:53

No they don't ask me to visit, but I don't think they care as they have three other children.

I have asked in the past and my mum agrees my dad did treat me differently. My dad just shakes his head and says I play the victim.

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 06/03/2023 07:53

You are focussing on one thing, when it sounds like your whole childhood was probably awful. As the PP said, some families are shit.

Did you mother never stand up for you? Have you had counselling to talk it all through?

Is your dad your real dad because if not, that may be where his resentment and awful behaviour stems from?

Nimbostratus100 · 06/03/2023 07:54

sounds like you being there overcrowded the house, but her being there doesn't. Also, you were there when other siblings were still dependent, but that isn't the case now.And you must have benefitted, as you could have left, but chose not to, so I guess it was cheaper for you to stay

Original poster

sunshinepleasecome · 06/03/2023 07:57

Chamomileteaplease · 06/03/2023 07:53

You are focussing on one thing, when it sounds like your whole childhood was probably awful. As the PP said, some families are shit.

Did you mother never stand up for you? Have you had counselling to talk it all through?

Is your dad your real dad because if not, that may be where his resentment and awful behaviour stems from?

He's my real dad (as far as I know!)

My mum has always been weak (but that's a whole other thread). She has agreed the treatment was different over the years but she's always been powerless or reluctant to say or do any more than that.

OP posts:

Original poster

sunshinepleasecome · 06/03/2023 08:00

Nimbostratus100 · 06/03/2023 07:54

It was very difficult to move out before as my job was 1.5 miles in one direction in quite an affluent town, so I couldn't afford to live there even in a house share on my low salary. All my colleagues were around my age living with their parents, first job out of uni.

Another complication was I couldn't drive yet, and my boyfriend at the time lived 2 hours away in the other direction from work. So I was juggling work and a relationship that had commutes, while relying on public transport which was rubbish. Life became much easier when I got my licence and got a car, and that's really what gave me the passport to moving out and moving forward with life.

OP posts:

Nimbostratus100 · 06/03/2023 08:03

so you were there for your own convenience and financial reasons - doesn't sound like you have got much to complain about really

Original poster

sunshinepleasecome · 06/03/2023 08:11

Nimbostratus100 · 06/03/2023 08:03

so you were there for your own convenience and financial reasons - doesn't sound like you have got much to complain about really

Well possibly not, but if I moved nearer to work I would have not been able to pay the rent and bills etc on £1k a month so I would have been in debt, and if I moved to a cheaper town I would have still had the massive train fares plus rent and bills so still would have had debt.

Another thing is my father pushed for me to take that job - I didn't want to due to the commute but he basically said if I didn't I would be evicted. Before that I was working in a local shop while going my degree and qualification (this had just finished) and he said he wouldn't support me just working in a shop my whole life and being lazy. He wrote to the doctor and said I should go on antidepressants to cope with life and do this job to move on in life, and how I was a burden on the household.

So it isn't black and white - you say it's my own convenience but what else could I do? Realistically.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 06/03/2023 08:14

I have asked in the past and my mum agrees my dad did treat me differently. My dad just shakes his head and says I play the victim.

If you have this conversation again, point to concrete examples to your dad. Tell him you're not playing victim, but you are pointing out his favouritism. Then change the subject. You could tell your mum that she's an awful person for colluding - but that is kind of bridge burning.

And i do agree to an extent that it was for your convenience and you were living in a house that was more than full. Your father could have been planning that you were going to leave for uni and stay away, that is the norm for many many people (not so much now, how long ago was this?)

The boyfriend issue: did he contribute to your travel? sometimes relationships don't work out even though we want them to, and distance is often a reason

And I am guessing that if you couldn't find a room to lodge in for less than your rent to your parents plus the 220 quid travel you may not have been looking that hard. (sorry, but sometimes these things do need to be said)

It stings when you are treated badly, and differently to siblings. But for your own MH you have to let it go.

Rumplestrumpet · 06/03/2023 08:21

"It was for your convenience"?!? What strange comment from OPs.

Being served an eviction notice?! Being treated so differently from your sister? These are not normal. Unless you were rude and obnoxious, giving your parents good reason to treat you differently, this sounds really unfair and I'm sorry you experienced this. As others said, some families are crappie.

When you're in a good place financially i would suggest some coundelling so you can let go of your anger and not be held back by them

Original poster

sunshinepleasecome · 06/03/2023 08:23

@Brefugee I didn't move away for uni - again, I couldn't afford to so I went to the local one an hour away. My dad earned too much for me to get enough grant/ loan to cover the whole cost of halls etc, and he wasn't going to give me any money to top up.

He said to me, 'your choices are the open university or x (local uni)'. At 17/18 I didn't see how I had any other option. I didn't have any extended family who would help/advise or take me to see unis further away that may be cheaper.

OP posts:

ehb102 · 06/03/2023 08:27

Sounds like your sister is the golden child and you are the black sheep. No fault of your own, it's just how toxic parents operate.

The only thing you can do is acknowledge that it wasn't fair and you did nothing to deserve this, recognise that impartial people see this and that your father never will. Then get whatever therapeutic help you need, heal, distance yourself and move on building a great life - your sister will still be living in your parents house at fifty.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 06/03/2023 08:28

I would ask outright in a semijoking way " are you even my dad, you treat me like I'm just someone you know but don't like much" and see where the conversation goes.

Nanatokidsdogshampsters · 06/03/2023 08:46

At least when he's old you won't be needed to care for him.
What goes around comes around.

Brefugee · 06/03/2023 08:49

He said to me, 'your choices are the open university or x (local uni)'.

It does sound shit, OP. How long ago did you leave?
In your shoes? i would just try to come to terms with it all and then let it go (i hold a grudge forever, though, it's not good for me, i can tell you that) for the sake of your own happiness.

Am assuming that work/financially/accommodation wise you're in a better place now? Now work on your MH and you're laughing. Meanwhile your dad will be a miserable old git to his grave.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 06/03/2023 09:18

It's shit, OP.

But, when your parents need help in their old age you can leave your siblings to it guilt free.

Fuck your patents, especially your dad.

Murdoch1949 · 06/03/2023 16:49

Move on. You're not really welcome in your family, were not treated fairly, so why bother with them? You're returning to get another kicking. Drop them.

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