Husband made 1.5k investment without telling me in risky stock he lost 35k on last year? His Mum has Stage 4 cancer - AIBU to ask for joint access to the main account?

[mumwhodances]

Any insight most welcome - I’m worried husband may have an addiction to trading and I am just so confused.

His Mum has recently been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and lives overseas - he's understandably a mess.

I’m trying to support him as best I can but feel so angry about him investing 1.5k after we both spoke about the need to consult the other over investment choices due to losing all our savings last year.

Bit of background: husband got into Crypto trading, after he saw his friend became wealthy from it when it first took off back in 2019.

He did make profit before it crashed it wasn’t worth the stress/obsession that seemed to take hold. All he spoke about was “making it” and became quite obnoxious. Our marriage suffered a lot.

A the end of 2021 he learned about a biotech company where all signs were pointing to the company doing well, sky rocketing even.

Long story short, I got swept up in it all too - we put ALL our savings (aside from small emergency fund) into this stock. It failed its trial and plummeted. We had £60k in there. Our deposit for a house. As I type this I can’t believe it.

He panicked and sold his shares at 90% loss - gone forever. I didn’t sell, thinking it might eventually recover. I haven’t given up hope and there's signs it could recover but it is still very risky!

Since then we agreed to work hard to save money and investment decisions need to be discussed together.

He recently spent time with his friend and came back saying he wanted to invest more in cryptocurrency. I reluctantly agreed on 2.5k as a max amount.

My jaw dropped as I accidentally I learned he’d recently invested another £1.5k into the same risky stock again!!

He’d already re-bought his shares when he sold and they dropped, so has some in there already. I also have shares still there - so I don’t see the need to put even more into risky stock when we are financially precarious?! It feels like gambling!!

I was so hurt and angry at what feels like hiding a big transaction from me. And not thinking £1.5k is worthy of a discussion with your wife?! It’s a huge amount of money.

It’s his attitude that worries me - instead of an apology he wrote a 3 page letter explaining how investing is personal, and his rationale for putting more in. Is this denial/gambling mentality?

I’ve asked to have joint access on the main account, as I worry what else and need to regain some control. Is that reasonable?!

Also is this emotional? I just feel my trust is damaged.

I feel such guilt as I know he is suffering right now and needs me to be supportive but I also can barely look at him as am so angry.

To mention - we have separate accounts - he pays me an allowance as I'm mainly a SAHM who does bits here and there, as his earning potential is so much higher. We have a joint account for family spenditure that he tops up but I don't see any oversight of the main finances.

Apart from anything else he's terrible at it.

If you're serious about investing you need to balance your portfolio- not shove every penny into high risk stocks of the same type.

I wouldn't be a SAHP to this man. Can you get a job and earn your own income?

It is gambling, it is addictive. He's struggling right now and that may make it worse. But just like a drinker or drug-taker, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

He has to see it as an issue, want to stop and seek help. He doesn't. The best you can do is protect yourself. And that means having accounts which need joint sign-off and not keeping on giving him sign-off on spending recklessly.

Ultimately you may need to plan to leave. Addicts don't change until and unless they want. Sorry.

sounds almost like a form of gambling addiction - as in the "I'll win it back" mentality.
Bizarre that you don't have access to the joint account - presumably he's hiding stuff to that you remain blissfully unaware of his "investments".

He seems so irresponsible with money - is it really worth staying with him if he never learns from his mistakes?

You're a family but he's acting
as a financially independent person because he earns and you as a SAHM don't get an income for your work. It's a shit set up and will break your mariage. You can't trust him to be responsible. Maybe he'll make a big sum of money but probably he'll lose yet more, either way it's an unstable, stressful path to choose and he's not even giving you the choice. Start working out how you can become financially independent from this man.

To mention - we have separate accounts - he pays me an allowance as I'm mainly a SAHM who does bits here and there, as his earning potential is so much higher. We have a joint account for family spenditure that he tops up but I don't see any oversight of the main finances.

This in itself is not a setup I would tolerate, let alone the ridiculous gambling.

Why are you letting him have so much financial control over you? You are married and should be a team. This is horrendous.

You can't stay a SAHM in this marriage unless you hand over control. He isn't going to let you see what he's doing and he doesn't respect you. In some marriages you could be doing the investing while he earned the money in the job. In other marriages you would make joint decisions. In this marriage, he is the big shot and you are the wifey who gets an allowance.
If that doesn't suit you, you need to equal his earning power

I think you both need to stop these naive ‘investments’.

And your financial setup is not something I’d accept. You need transparency and equal access.

This will not end well. Time to get back to work. Childcare is not a financially viable situation. And personally I'd start thinking divorce. My ExH is a gambler. It's worse when they win.

Crypto isn't an investment it's gambling. As others have said you need financial independence from this addict. Either a job, a divorce or both.

Another one! Get a job and take back some control of your life!

Compared to £60k, I don't see how £1.5k is a 'massive investment'. You're both in over your heads - there is no point just trying to blame him. You've both lost the money.

Give it up. And start working together to support his Mum. And get a job instead of 'doing bits' here and there.

I am sorry but getting an allowance is something that happened in the 70’s! Full shared access needed.

I think you both need to stop these naive ‘investments’

This

You've invested as well, and agreed to putting all your savings in? I voted YABU as it does seem hypocritical. You both have to stop.

It sounds like his 'friend' is a conman. 'Get rich quick' schemes like this are never going to be worth anything. The internet is full of adverts for them and it's easy to get taken in.

Unless he stops listening to these people, it won't make any difference how hard you try, but your family finances will be milked off to crooks.

I am so sorry for you, OP. You might need to separate your finances, so at least the bills get paid. His fantasy of easy money is obviously a way of coping with life's pains and disappointments, but he is putting everything at risk for all of you at the moment.

Mumsnetters don't like SAHMs, so will inevitably advise you to get a job. This won't solve anything for you, because your husband can wipe out any financial security at one sweep, unless you get to the root of the issue.

It's going to be massively hard for him to admit defeat and give up these 'investments'. It's giving up on his dreams of putting things right for everyone and accepting he has let you all down. His mum's illness must be devastating too. The gambling is a strategy to try to manage all this pain and to maintain a fantasy that he can solve everything with money. It's desperately sad.

Oversight of the main account isn’t a bad idea. But if you want financial security what you need to do is start developing a career of your own. Stop relying on someone else to fund your life and start looking at how to develop your own potential to produce income.

Its not a question of MN not "liking" SAHMs at all. But its generally a path fraught with risk - keep a job, even if its small. Its just smart. And childcare comes out of both parents pay not just the mother.

Next thing will be he needs to pay to access his 'profit', you're both incredibly naive.

The only reason you shouldn’t have access to all the accounts is if you have a problem with money, like if you have a gambling addiction.

your husband is the one who should have restricted access, not you.

This is crazy and I would say he is a gambler and needs to get professional help.

Clever and sensible investing won't get you rich quick, don't get caught up in his mania again. You should never invest money that you need in the next 5-10 years. If it sounds too good to be true then it probably is. Andrew Craig's "how to own the world" is a very good book. But honestly I think he needs to stop completely.

This is not investing

This is is gambling

Investing is a long term plan where you take the long view and spread the risk

He wants to get rich quick, this "friend" of his sounds like a bad influence

I'd try not to be financially dependent on someone like this.

You should already have access to the joint account.

You should both stop investing, you have no idea what you're doing.

Never invest in 'friends' endeavours. Never take investment advice from someone who stands to gain from your decisions.

What is your capacity to earn an income like, OP?

All the investment stuff sounds ridiculous and like he may have a problem. But that aside your financial set up terrifies me-nothing at all against SAHM but an “allowance”…! Is he paying a pension for you? Childcare is a shared cost, not just for the mum. I’d be sorting yourself the highest pay job you can and keeping your earnings separate

Yes - there is no way I would live like this.
Basic rule of investing - spread the risk. You need to be investing for steady growth over the long term using portfolios of funds not single stocks or crypto - that is gambling , essentially.
I would not be asking but demanding.

I’m about 10 years on from your post, luckily for me we never married and I do have some work. My DP is obsessed with get rich quick schemes. He has now been bankrupt twice. He got addicted to Forex and now Crypto and lost everything to both. We are always going to be millionaires next year!! Luckily I sussed him out a few years ago but it’s exhausting always having to be an adult paying for everything then reminding myself that there is no way out of this because he won’t change.
It must be nice living in a fantasy!!

This isn't trading or investing, its gambling. It needs to be addressed in the same way that you'd treat a gambling addiction.