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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect a timely response to email about child arrangements?

12 replies

Namechange1772 · 05/03/2023 17:22

Just massively doubting myself and looking for a sense check…

I sent STBXH a timetable for child arrangements for this half term (i.e. the one we are a couple of weeks into) 4 weeks ago (includes drop off and pick ups and weekends). He has said he is too busy to look at it and has just responded on a week by week basis. This has left me in difficulties in terms of taking on work (am self-employed) and making plans generally (including back up
plans if we need to call in support from others e.g. for kids strike days). I have explained this (by email as I have had the silent treatment for a year), but he says he will not discuss this further.

It took me less than an hour to draw it up, so it would take less than that to review it. I don’t believe he hasn’t had that time in the last month. We both work/share childcare, but he has time to go to the gym, see friends, watch tv.

He’s now 4 weeks later responded about the rest of the timetable and said what I have suggested is fine.

I felt he was being unreasonable not replying (especially after I explained the difficulties it was causing) but now his response is reasonable, I’m doubting myself. A friend has suggested that actually his behaviour is very subtlely controlling (obviously there are other things going on but far too much for one post). Honestly I feel lost.

(We will eventually have a longer term plan, but with still living in the same house, complicated child arrangement, shifts, we are needing to do arrangements on a shorter term basis, but it is perfectly possible to do it termly or half termly).

AIBU to have wanted to response to the whole timetable? Or am I too demanding?

OP posts:
HerculesMulligan · 05/03/2023 17:25

It's not even subtly controlling, it's just bogstandard controlling.

Namechange1772 · 05/03/2023 17:45

Oh really? Thank you for your reply. I’m a bit of a mess doubting myself about everything and struggling to assert myself (not least because he is going round saying I’m a bully) so its really appreciated.

OP posts:
Hotvimto3 · 05/03/2023 18:07

Control control control

MRex · 05/03/2023 18:11

HerculesMulligan · 05/03/2023 17:25

It's not even subtly controlling, it's just bogstandard controlling.

Yep, this. He's just being a dick this way because this is the only way he can think of that he can deny he's been a dick. All will pass and you'll get something long-term set up. You could try mediation to get it arranged sooner, it sounds pointless but made a huge difference to a friend of DS's parents, who went from being pointlessly unhelpful to actually both mucking in when the other has emergencies.

Namechange1772 · 05/03/2023 18:16

Thanks for this. It’s giving me some confidence in my gut instinct. We tried mediation but then he decided he wasn’t happy with the mediator and he has vetoed my choices for an alternative mediator…

OP posts:
CornedBeef451 · 05/03/2023 18:19

Yes he is a controlling arsehole, just enjoying making your life harder and making you work around his incompetence.

Sorry you are going through this.

Reugny · 05/03/2023 18:41

My DP and other parents I know do (or in some cases did) their child contact calendars a minimum of 3 months before they were to start for the entire year. That way if the other parent wants to play games by not agreeing they had sufficient time to deal with it. Some got it written into their Child Arrangements Orders so the other parent has a deadline to agree.

So for a September to August contact calendar you need to give it to him by 1st June.

shopmyfeelings · 05/03/2023 18:45

I'd send him an email saying that you expect a reply within 24 hours confirming arrangements for the rest of the half term and you'll assume his agreement if he doesn't reply.

Keep it totally businesslike and cold. Don't give him the satisfaction of getting pissed off with this, it's what he wants.

Namechange1772 · 05/03/2023 18:48

Reugny · 05/03/2023 18:41

My DP and other parents I know do (or in some cases did) their child contact calendars a minimum of 3 months before they were to start for the entire year. That way if the other parent wants to play games by not agreeing they had sufficient time to deal with it. Some got it written into their Child Arrangements Orders so the other parent has a deadline to agree.

So for a September to August contact calendar you need to give it to him by 1st June.

Yes, i will definitely be looking to get an arrangement like this in our order.

OP posts:
Namechange1772 · 05/03/2023 18:51

shopmyfeelings · 05/03/2023 18:45

I'd send him an email saying that you expect a reply within 24 hours confirming arrangements for the rest of the half term and you'll assume his agreement if he doesn't reply.

Keep it totally businesslike and cold. Don't give him the satisfaction of getting pissed off with this, it's what he wants.

This is what I did for christmas arrangements after he ignored emails about that for a month. When I didn’t then agree to his alternative plan (proposed 2 days before the kids brokenup), he took himself off for the whole xmas week and told the children I was a bully. He makes me doubt myself so much. I just wish it wasn’t so hard.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 05/03/2023 19:00

I think in future you send him the timetable and tell him this is what you will be following unless he emails you with two weeks notice that changes are needed on his side.

Namechange1772 · 05/03/2023 19:09

Hankunamatata · 05/03/2023 19:00

I think in future you send him the timetable and tell him this is what you will be following unless he emails you with two weeks notice that changes are needed on his side.

Yes, that’s a good idea.

Thanks for all the support.

OP posts:
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