Short: met new sister in law and there were a bunch of red flags. I now believe she is very controlling and will lie to manipulate family. AIBU to put a boundary in place that I won’t see or speak with her even though this means the kids won’t see much of their cousin?
Long: sister in law is actually brother in law’s long term girlfriend of about 3 years. They have bought a home together and co parent my 7 year old nephew.
We are outside U.K. so didn’t meet her for a long time due to covid restrictions and some other complications.
We came over to see them with our 2 kids 6 and 4. Plan was to sleep 3 nights at their hose but spend a day with them, have a night at my father in law’s massive 70th birthday bash, and then a day all seeing other brother in law and his girlfriend for a big family lunch cooked by my mother at her home.
We get there and straight away problems. Kids not allowed to play with cousin’s toys. Ask if they’re special toys (ie please can we put them away) answer is no - you can look but you can’t touch!
The first morning there’s no breakfast. Turns out they don’t eat it and the 7 year old just takes a chocolate bar or similar from the snack cupped. I suggest we go out but sister in law says cafe doesn’t do ‘kids food’.
We go on the planned outing by bike. Something they’re super keen on and my husband doesn’t mind. I’m not 100% myself as I’ve never cycled on roads with the weight of a kid on the back. I’m worrying about wobbling and falling into the road with a child but suck it up. We stop at a local beach. I suggest a take a way coffee and snacks and sister in law says something like ‘I’m not posh enough to drink that’. We buy a round of coffees and snacks anyway.
That evening, while we’re getting ready to go out, my brother in law comes to see me. He is shaking with anger. She has told him she’s overhead me saying that she’s just his girlfriend and not the child’s mother… to the child. I haven’t said a word of it… but he asks I ‘speak to her and sort it out’.
I’ve known him almost 20 years and we’re going to a family celebration together so I go and see her and just start by saying if I’ve upset her I unreservedly apologise… she replies by spending the next 10 minutes lecturing my on how awful I am, and how difficult I’ve been, and how they’re a lovely family and I have no right to judge them and their parenting.
I’m so shocked I don’t manage to say a lot other than the apology but go and find my husband and explain there’s been a problem. He goes to see his brother, but by this time sister in law is now standing by the door dressed to go out asking why we’re not all ready. Husband says he’ll speak to his brother later.
We go out and I just avoid her all evening. But mother in law comes to see me. Asked if something happened. Turns out mother in law has had a run in with her and another sister in law in separate incidents.
We speak as a group of 4 the next day, her, me and both the guys to ‘sort it out’. She wants it to be just me and her but I refuse and say it’s better if we just all have one convo. She then starts shouting at brother in law that this is her house and I’m making her feel uncomfortable. He says that it’s a reasonable thing to speak together so she then denies the confrontation happened between her and me and starts saying how his ex wife is difficult to be around… by now she’s crying.
I tune out a little now and take a view she’s insecure, very controlling and can’t be trusted and we leave early for the family lunch.
They arrive like nothing has happened I end up leaving the table early and minding the kids due to a barrage of comments about parents that fuss about food (our older child is hyper on sugar so we limit things like fizzy pop and sweets) and other things that feel barbed given all the drama. Decide not to bite because we’re flying home soon.
But then whole meal ends in shouting… mother in law is due to give us a lift but sister in law starts screaming mother in law has had too much to drink (1 wine) and will kill someone and saying ‘I’m a paramedic, I’ve seen car crashes, your being irresponsible parents to get in the car with a drunk driver’.
Whole family then separates from brother in law and sister in law who go home on bikes in a huff (having had rather more than 1 glass of wine).
We have to get back there later on our own and spend the remaining time we have staying at their house avoiding her. I even look for a hotel to move to. Mother in law even drops in food for us.
Brother in law then ends the whole visit by saying ‘hope you’ll come to the U.K. again, how about Easter’.
I don’t want to give her another chance. I feel I’ve ‘seen the real her’. I don’t trust her, don’t want to speak to her and have said I wont stay with them again.
AIBU to freeze her out like this?
BTW, my husband doesn’t see this as ‘an issue’, and is mainly worried for the mental well being of his brother and nephew. I feel a little guilty because I’d like the kids to know their cousin. Basically I’d like it to be happy families but feel would probably be even more guilty if she did something sh!tty while they were around and I’d ignored all the red flags from our visit.