To think ive failed

[That80sgirl]

Have managed to stay off the antidepressants for three months,first time this long for over a decade,ive enjoyed feeling and being able to cry,not having brain fog,not being a zombie.ive been proud of myself. Life without them has also been harsh, like a clear mirror held up highlighting all the crap that's wrong, a magnifying glass of epic proportions,everything is bigger,problems, hurt,pain,reality.
Ive taken a high dose an hour ago,feeling that familiar nauseous way, already yawning uncontrollably,jaw is clenching ,i feel like climbing into bed and dying. I know now ill never be free of them,that i need them to dull my pain.

You have not failed. If it was insulin or heart medication you wouldn’t feel a failure for being on it long term.

Have you tried any other types of antidepressants that have less of a numbing effect or less side effects? Have you also had any therapy?

Sadly a lot of us will be in anti depressants for life. I'm that person. I've been on them for 24 years due to having complex chronic PTSD. I've been on so many different ones and also tried to live life without them but never lasted longer than a few weeks or months without having to go back on them. It's taken me a long time to realise that this is me and part of my life and probably will be until my last breath. I've often felt how you feel, but being on anti depressants don't make you any less of a person than someone who doesn't need to take them. There are so many people feeling the exact same as you do right now, so please don't beat yourself up OP.

You have not failed. (((Hugs))) have you had any talking therapy at all? Have you got support around you?

When you say a high dose, how much do you mean? More than the daily limit? Could be mild serotonin syndrome!