How to make my ex sort his sh*t out?

[eligkab]

Separated from my ex since December 2021. Still lives with his mum, sleeps on her sofa or any spare bed that’s going if one of his siblings are out. Won’t have our children overnight there (7 & 3 YO) so at the moment arrangement is he has them a couple of nights a week for a few hours for dinner and one day at the weekend. I find it hard to do anything because of this, yes I go to the gym/do anything else I need to do at the weekend on the one day he has them, but i feel so restricted on anything I do. He has no motivation to move out of his mums, he’s just seeing it as not a problem, not arsed about it. He doesn’t pay her rent, he gets his washing & dinner cooked.. so gets a simple life there. He can’t not afford to move out, he earns a substantial amount so renting his own place is an option..

I don’t know how I’m supposed to move on and live my life when I’m still in this predicament and also don’t know how to go about things.. not sure what I’m getting at here really just needed to rant and put it out there to see if anyone can help.

@Spiderboy

Sadly I do not know any single parents who “happily” go about their lives. It is stressful, exhausting and overwhelming and sometimes impossible when you are entirely alone. OP is not being unreasonable to expect her child’s parents to share responsibility

I'm a single mum and my life is pretty happy (far more so than it was when I was married), so that's neither true not helpful.

Yes it is exhausting and stressful and yes it sucks when a man won't step up and take responsibility. My ex (who is well into his 50s and whose parents live on the other side of the world) has never sorted out his living arrangements to a sufficient standard that I would allow my DD to stay at his. He almost never does any childcare and when he does he tends to get bored after a couple of hours. It's really shit and unfair. And you certainly should be pursuing him for maintenance.

But it doesn't mean your life has to be unhappy. You have to get quite creative about the way you manage it, for sure. You have to build a decent network of local friends who can sometimes help you and, occasionally you have to pay to be able to go out.

It will get easier as your kids get older though.