Mother constantly pushes boundaries

[Itsinthestars89]

Hi there,

I am struggling and I’ve been in therapy for this but it continues. My mother was never there for me growing up. Didn’t ever put my needs first and I was brought up by my Grandmother for the most part. She was abusive physically, emotionally and psychologically and would often tell my brother and I we were unwanted. We were often left in the hands of very unsafe individuals that caused us harm.

Anyway, I’m now a mother myself and my own mother is constantly causing problems… asking for money, acting inappropriate at special events like my Graduation (I thought I would trust that she would behave herself for a few hours, never again). I’ve made it clear not to ask me again for money as she tends to spend all of her money on holidays which is nice but I can’t afford those right now and she’s unemployed so part of me feels a little resentful that I’m a working mother and trying to provide for my children whilst she only has herself to care for now financially and physically.

she recently spent all of her inheritance from her parent passing away on holidays and now has nothing so has been asking family members for money…

Ive told her to not involve me in the arguments she causes with people as she can be very aggressive and causes many problems in her own life. She now is very clingy, constantly messages me as I’m taking a step back from her… it is very tough and I wonder if I’m being harsh but I find her energy too much.

Does anyone have any experience in an issue like this?

You're not being harsh enough. How many chances does she want?

I'd take a big step back and go LC for your own sanity. 💐

I know this may not be what you want to hear OP, but for your own sanity it may be time to gradually remove this woman from your life. She's toxic. You deserve better after the upbringing you have described.

I struggle with knowing how to gradually remove her from my life and my daughters lives. Every single time I take a step back she comes on stronger and stronger that I am literally overwhelmed. It then ends up with me feeling quite guilty at the same time as she is being very “nice” and then reverts back to her usual ways. It is so complicated but yes you are both very right. She is utterly toxic. My brother has very little to do with her but sometimes feels guilty that we both try to keep her at arms length. We logically know why we need to do it but doing it is SO difficult.

I have told her that I find her too much with some of her behaviour and of course she was the victim in all of it but it meant she came on full force and repeatedly feels like she has some right to stay over at my house and keeps asking me to give her dates which I’m ignoring….

It’s not complicated. I understand it’s difficult - you feel guilty and you want your relationship with her to be “normal” so when she’s nice or when you see her pain, it’s natural to think “Maybe I ought to...” Or “This time…”. But it isn’t this time. It’s not going to be this time. You aren’t responsible for fulfilling her wants or sorting her out when she wastes what she has. That’s pretty simple. She’s toxic and you just have to keep saying: No; you can’t manage that; you don’t know when will be a good time; Sorry, you have to go; etc.

It's the guilt that makes it difficult OP, read up on FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) if you haven't already, it will help you understand what's happening which makes it easier to deal with. You might also find the 'but we took you to Stately Homes' threads (for people with toxic parents) on the Relationships board helpful, lots of posters there in the same boat

Do what was never done for you - Protect your children from toxic people. Your mother doesn't deserve a place in your life, but your children deserve to be protected from her.

The most she guilts the more is pull back. It’s manipulation. Don’t allow her to badger you or guilt you. If necessary block her number for a few days so you don’t hear from her.

As a PP says, if you need motivation to think outside of the guilt, then just focus on your children. Want do you want them to learn from your relationship with you mum.

I don't know if you're aware but your mother has the characteristics of narcissist personality disorder. This explains the difficulties you've been having since childhood. Google it.

There's lots of information about it on mumsnet, you tube Facebook etc

Most people find that the only way to cope with people like this is to go 'no contact' for their own sanity and emotional and financial safety.

My mother is very similar to your mum's personality.
It's jekyll and Hyde and sometimes they're both in the room within seconds of one another.
We're hardwired to need our mothers love, so getting away from their toxicity damages us in the process, so it's much more difficult than cutting off a toxic parter etc.
I could have changed a few words of you post and written it myself.

I'm not able to give advice, just send support and say I get it.

Only you can break the cycle and sadly that often comes with telling people a few home truths. I would be frank, telling her outright she is not a victim - but you are- a victim of her selfishness and inability to grow up and be a proper mother. You have to protect your children and put in place the boundaries for them that you never had. If you don’t , years from now your kids will be writing cheques to grandma who can’t cope. Don’t give them this legacy it’s not fair.

Hey OP. My own Mother has over the years had wonderful moments, but she is also manipulative and rarely tells the truth. These sorts of relationships are always hard to navigate because it sounds like you, similarly to me, feel guilty about trying to cut her out. What I would focus on now is your children and whether you want them to experience your mother. If the answer is no then I would start looking at ways to reduce your contact and stop putting yourself through this for the sake of them.

Op what you are describing is the cycle of abuse.
Once you look it up, it's very clear what she is doing
She's not nasty all the time so she is " nice" when she wants something or to manipulate you .
It's typical that she makes you feel guilty.
Have you explored therapy?

Absolutely consider LC/ NC
She won't change

check out narcissistic personality disorder. every aspect of it. this is what your mum has. join an fb group on it - daughters of narcissists etc. google a lot on it. your life will change when you learn its their problem and ur best off out of it. from the upbringing to the lavish spending, they all do the same things