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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers Day

42 replies

Lizrachal · 04/03/2023 15:50

I always find Mother’s Day stressful, same as Christmas and Easter.

I have 2 little ones my hubby said Mother’s Day is meant to be about me now not my mum or his mum just me. I said that I would want to see my Mum on Mother’s Day though. He said then he’ll have to see his Mum. He’s not bothered about seeing his Mum he’s just being nit picky. I’ve asked him if he’s planned anything for me yet and he said he hasn’t cos we don’t have the money.

Back story is my MIL is very difficult, we had a big family feud a couple of years ago and it’s been strained since, I have a SIL too who usually does something with MiL. My brother does not live locally. I’ve tried previously to do a group activity with both mothers/whole family and it was a total ball ache!

AIBU? To include my mum with whatever we are doing on Mother’s Day. Visit MIL day before with flowers and leave her to go out with SIL. Or should you see neither mother and just do our own thing the 4 of us and see my mother in the days up to Mother’s Day also?

🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizrachal · 04/03/2023 19:10

SeasonFinale · 04/03/2023 17:31

She is literally saying my MIL is very difficult ..... She has said she wants to see her mum ..... This follows the usual format of we do things with the female lineage and not with the male side. I get in this case the son isn't engaging but perhaps that is because he knows his wife gives him grief because the MIL is difficult (or she says she is). She hasn't said what the difficulty is. This MIL has a daughter she does engage with. Perhaps it surrounds that. It isn't the same a mum with just boys.

Show quote history

It was actually my DH and MiL who had a big fall out not my fault. Their relationship will never be the same but she is his mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizrachal · 04/03/2023 19:11

Swingwhenyourewinning · 04/03/2023 15:59

Well it’s your mum of course it’s also about her. His mum is not your mum so it’s not your responsibility weather he dose anything or not with his mum

I’ve absolutely said that we can do our own things with own mothers but he is not interested in seeing his!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizrachal · 04/03/2023 19:12

Lefteyetwitch · 04/03/2023 16:04

YABU.
Every argument you try to use to include your mum he can use for his.

So either do as he suggests and do one day for your main family and then fit the myms around that.
Or you include her.

You can't have it both ways.

I’ve suggested doing our own things but he is not interested in seeing his Mum.

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 04/03/2023 19:14

What is it that you actually want from Mother's Day OP?

UsingChangeofName · 04/03/2023 19:22

I agree with @Lefteyetwitch

He's offered to make it just about your own little family, but you want to bring your mother along. Surely it's not hard to see that is unreasonable. Changes the whole dynamic.
Why not do some breakfast in bed / him looking after the dc whilst you have a lie in / long bath / whatever your choice of 'me time' is, then he can cook the lunch, then you can each set off to your respective Mothers , or, as a family all go to both of them for a cuppa and a cake in the afternoon (presuming they are local).

Favouritefruits · 04/03/2023 19:29

Why don’t you have a nice day with your mum and he has a nice day with his mum? You can decide if you want the kids or you want a free day so your DH can have the children? Seems easy?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 04/03/2023 19:36

SeasonFinale · 04/03/2023 16:09

Here we go again. How depressing for us mums with boys to see how our lives may be with some DILS.

I have 2 little ones my hubby said Mother’s Day is meant to be about me now not my mum or his mum just me. I said that I would want to see my Mum on Mother’s Day though. He said then he’ll have to see his Mum.

Perhaps you should read the above again. It isn’t the op that doesn’t want to involve their mothers, it’s her dh. Not only can he not be arsed with his own dm (or dw for that matter) he wants op to miss out on time with her dm.

If you have concerns about the future behaviour of your ds’s, I would suggest that you concentrate on raising them to give a shit about other people rather than expecting their future wives or partners to organise their lives for them.

CDiamond · 12/03/2023 18:55

Lefteyetwitch · 04/03/2023 16:04

YABU.
Every argument you try to use to include your mum he can use for his.

So either do as he suggests and do one day for your main family and then fit the myms around that.
Or you include her.

You can't have it both ways.

This.

Your mum has had her fair share of mothers days and same goes for your MIL. This is your turn now and they should be celebrating your motherhood now (and motherhood of SIL's, etc). Motherhood is about having kids under your wing; once they have flown away, then there should be less of a fuss over you and more of a focus on their parenthood journeys (so everyone has their turn). So I think your husband is right to suggest this. Celebrate yourself on the main day and each of you see your mums (together or individually) on different day if you must (many families do nothing more than card and flowers by post).

cherish123 · 18/03/2023 12:12

If you live close to your mum, drop in with card/present. DH can do same, even at same time. Go for a walk/coffee etc after that with DH and DC.

mammaCh · 09/03/2024 11:51

In my family's eyes the most important person is the mother with young children. They can do whatever they like that day, with whoever that includes.
Mother's to adult children can see them another day. They've had their time of being the centre of attention when their kids were young.

otherwayup · 09/03/2024 11:55

SeasonFinale · 04/03/2023 16:09

Here we go again. How depressing for us mums with boys to see how our lives may be with some DILS.

Did you miss the part about the mil being difficult?!

My own mum isn't a difficult mil at all and guess what? My brothers wife would rather visit her than her own (difficult!) mum.

I get sick of the woe is me attitude of mums of boys - don't behave like a dick towards your ds's partners and see the difference it makes!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/03/2024 11:56

SeasonFinale · 04/03/2023 16:09

Here we go again. How depressing for us mums with boys to see how our lives may be with some DILS.

I have one of each and I can confidently say I won’t give a rats arse if neither of them end up spending Mother’s Day with me when older. I haven’t cared when it’s ended up being their Dad’s weekend.

The only thing I didn’t like was when I was with their dad, had two littlies, and he didn’t make the slightest effort even to give me a lie in.

I also have two brothers (both married but child free) and we all sort of see our parents on mothers and Father’s Day some years, but some years not. This year my mum is coming to me but has defo been with my brother who lives in the Uk (the other one now lives abroad) in recent years.

It just depends who’s doing what . My parents aren’t over sentimental and my Mum would happily go to her art studio any time she has a completely free day!

Wonderwall23 · 09/03/2024 12:14

Can he not see the irony when he is implying that the day is about you and what you want, but then isn't actually allowing you to do what you want (which is see your Mum).

If he wants to cut off his nose to spite his face by seeing his Mum out of being petty when he doesn't actually want to, then that's on him!

I don't really get some of the Mother's Day threads though...what is there to actually 'do'. The day lasts probably 15 hours for most people and covers 3 mealtimes. Surely there is room for more recognising more than one Mum in that time.

Bunnyishotandcross · 09/03/2024 12:17

He doesn't get to decide who or when you see anyone...

SeasonFinale · 09/03/2024 12:51

otherwayup · 09/03/2024 11:55

Did you miss the part about the mil being difficult?!

My own mum isn't a difficult mil at all and guess what? My brothers wife would rather visit her than her own (difficult!) mum.

I get sick of the woe is me attitude of mums of boys - don't behave like a dick towards your ds's partners and see the difference it makes!

Show quote history

On the basis this is a 2023 thread I am unsure why you have taken a year to have a pop at someone online 🤣

My MIL and I are doing fine thanks anyway.

SeasonFinale · 09/03/2024 12:54

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/03/2024 11:56

I have one of each and I can confidently say I won’t give a rats arse if neither of them end up spending Mother’s Day with me when older. I haven’t cared when it’s ended up being their Dad’s weekend.

The only thing I didn’t like was when I was with their dad, had two littlies, and he didn’t make the slightest effort even to give me a lie in.

I also have two brothers (both married but child free) and we all sort of see our parents on mothers and Father’s Day some years, but some years not. This year my mum is coming to me but has defo been with my brother who lives in the Uk (the other one now lives abroad) in recent years.

It just depends who’s doing what . My parents aren’t over sentimental and my Mum would happily go to her art studio any time she has a completely free day!

Show quote history

As I posted this a year ago I am unsure why you want to quote me now. Thankfully I am currently staying with my DS, Dil and 2 grandchildren having a whale of a time.

Unfortunately though we see so often where more time is spent with a DIL family and my comment was merely an observation.

It's clearly a triggering one if 2 people feel the need to comment a year after I posted.

Bunnyishotandcross · 09/03/2024 13:11

Tbh I didn't even notice it said 2023...
😆

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