Struggling to cope

[Jazz12]

We are a busy household with 3 children. DH works in a office role full time and I work 2/3 days a week from office and rest of the time from home.

Ds1 is 15. His room is a dump, he stinks of sweat all the time. He doesn’t shower for days if I don’t remind. I tell him to shower, but honestly, I don’t understand how someone can stink when they showered an hour ago. How can you shower without a drop of water touching the hairline?

DS2 and DD (twins) are 7. Toys and colouring stuff everywhere in the house. Everything is a negotiation. Meals, water, homework - they negotiate everything. I’m fed up.

DH doesn’t do things until I tell him. He is perfectly happy living in a dump. Im not, so it’s all on to me.

Things are REALLY stressful at work. I need to look for a new job, but my work load is totally consuming plus housework. We don’t have a cleaner. Tried 3 cleaners, 2 of them had very poor work ethic while the third one was unreliable.

The amount of choice we have for everything is overwhelming. I’m not sure where to start and how to choose. There is always so much work to do. I’m totally unable to cope. My eyebrows need attention, I haven’t waxed in years (shaving to save time), didn’t have a facial in years because I don’t have time.

Please be kind as I’m struggling to cope.

That sounds really stressful- I see what you mean about having too much choice, too.

first I would sort the cleaning. Ask in your local and school class WhatsApp groups for a recommendation or use an agency.

With the kids, you might have to be a bit more strict (scary). Shut down that negotiation - they need to do what you tell them, when you tell them. They’re definitely not too old to fix this if you have some strategies, but I absolutely get how you slide into being a pushover when you are tired.

Is husband actually useless? Put the cleaning lady search onto him. I’d almost be inclined to stop the working from home because it creates an illusion that you are, well, at home to pick up the slack.

Can’t advise with the teen - is he depressed? My 14yo dd is in the bathroom for hours at a time doing what???? So opposite problem. Maybe find him a girlfriend! 😬

I’m really sorry you’re having a shit time though.

You have a lot on.

This stage of life doesn't last forever.

That does sound a lot.

If your husband gets clear instructions (not that he should need them) is he useful? If he is I would try and divvy up tasks, and stick up a list dividing jobs. If they are stuck on the wall it’s staring you in the face. Write down all the jobs you have, and give him the ones he is going to find easiest, start with one or two, gradually increase them.

Go to a good local agency for cleaning, even if it costs a bit more. That’s your top priority. It will make a huge difference. Do you do online shopping? That’s a massive help too.

Do you think your son is depressed or just a skanky teen? If it’s the latter, can you get a routine going where he showers every morning, and a can of deodorant by the door / in the sitting room so he can be reminded to spray it whenever. It will pass. Make his pocket money dependant on shower routine and him clearing out rubbish and laundry from his room once a week. From there build to giving him tasks. Bribery works. If it’s something more serious, find someone he can talk to and still work on structure, it’s good for MH.

Try and get all the things you think you have to do down on paper. It will likely feel instantly better. Can you discuss with your husband? If you can get a few sessions with a life coach a good one is great. (PM if you want a recommendation)

Not a lot you can do with the twins other than tune it out. But if they don’t get pocket money I’d start it as bribery.

What I’d do this weekend is get the numbers of 3 cleaning agencies to call, write a dump list of everything that’s worrying you. Talk to your husband. Tell your son he’s having a shower every day or no cash. Tell the twins they are about to get a couple of quid pocket money but there will be no whining rules. (A lot of kid negotiation is basically whining, it’s OK to shut it down.)

Just a comment about the teenager. Maybe he isn’t putting on deodorant and a clean T-shirt after the shower. Also remind him to actually soap up his body including armpits while in the shower. In my experience, teenage boys need to have every step set out for them because they may not have much initiative. But the putting on a smelly T-shirt after a shower is a classic mistake!

Your son needs natural fabrics, not man made fabrics.

Tell your DS you expect him to shower x times a week and clean his room and strip his bedding once a week and leave him to it. DETACH - if he doesn't do it or people start avoiding him at school as he is smelly that is his look out. He wonlt die. Some teens do go through an avoiding water phase whilst others spend hours in the shower and creating vast amounts of laundry - I've had both extremes over the years.

With your twins can you make it a rule that all toys have to be put away before dinner. Ration what is out on offer e.g. 7 toys/games that they pick each week. I used to have vast numbers of pens/crayons/art materials etc but bought a small tin of good crayons and a small pack of felt tips and got rid of the big pots of pens - no one minded, the craft cupboard became a shelf. I also used to insist Lego/Playmobil etc could only be played with on a blanket on the floor - pick up the ends to make a hammock and then decant into a toy box - so much easier than having to clear up mess.

You may have to get tough and put up with resistance for a few weeks - which is so hard when you are running on empty. Try to carve out time to do some decluttering and getting rid of things to make the house tidier and easy to clean.

I feel similar, though at a different stage, both work ft in stressful jobs and 3 young children under 7. It's pretty relentless. No advise really, just solidarity. I get so fed up with my untidy house, there just aren't enough hours in a day, I'm meant to be cleaning now but I've just taken a nap with our toddler as I'm so exhausted (I'm still disturbed in the night). I guess everything is a phase though right, when they're babies, when they are teens, it's not forever.

Thanks all. Very grateful for all the support and advice.
I’ve “taken it easy” in the last couple of weeks. Dumpster house was the result of that. DH thinks we should just push stuff around and “let it be” but it’s impacting me mentally. Yesterday I had a strong word with DS1 about how I won’t tell him the same thing again next week. I made him write up a list of tasks he needs to do everyday and stick it behind the door in his room. He properly tidied up his wardrobe yesterday. How I have a huge pile of laundry to do.
I spent 4 hours tidying every single room, deep cleaning, vacuuming and mopping. The house looks clean and smells fresh. I woke up feeling better this morning.

Im not after a show home house. I’m just expecting people to look after their rooms. I’m happy to look after the rest of the house. Is this too much to ask?

Ive given up on DH. He doesn’t do much. He never did much. If I say something, he’ll start arguing. I value peace in the house over my free time. Life is unfair.

'Tell your DS you expect him to shower x times a week and clean his room and strip his bedding once a week and leave him to it. DETACH - if he doesn't do it or people start avoiding him at school as he is smelly that is his look out. He won't die.

This. It's a phase and won't last long. Mine reformed overnight when he discovered someone called Chloe. 😀

And maybe with everything else, you need to let your standards slip a little. You have a busy household and no-one is expecting you to be a domestic goddess except you.

Draw up a list of minimums that really need to be done. Put health & safety first - so clean kitchen, clean bathrooms, nothing on floors that people can fall over. Explain these to your dh as non-negotiable, but let the rest slide a little. The world won't end.

And put two hours aside on a Saturday for you to get out of the house by yourself. You sound like you need a break and some fresh air.