5 years ago today I made that post about leaving him, and mine and my DDs (affectionately named Mini on here) aged 2.5 at the time lives changed for ever.
I always promised myself I’d do a 5-year update. I have been here under several names since and this will be my final update on the whole situation. But here I am. And Yes I have won!
For those who don’t recognise me/are new since then. 4th March 2018 my husband attacked me in front of DD/Mini. It was the final straw in an abusive marriage which had started during my pregnancy with Mini. I posted on here that night, and got lots of support. My brother called the police on him, he was arrested and charged (but got away with it basically). I then continued to post various threads for around a year as I went through navigating SS involvement due to me not coping, courts for a child arrangements order and Mini who has SN and medical needs. My final thread was just before Mini started school when SS closed their case on us.
It was the worst time of my life. I only got through because of the friendships I made on here some of which I’ve maintained offline, and because of my cat and Mini (hence my name CatLadyToddlerMother)
Sadly the cat died in September 2022. She had been ill for a few weeks and she just gave out on me one day. I rushed her to the vet but couldn’t save her. I blame myself a lot for this. I’m not yet ready for another pet.
Mini is now a cheeky, hilarious 7-year-old. She’s still at her school. She doesn’t like school much. Has had a few issues with the other children (some of which have been more Minis problem than the other child), doesn’t like English/Literacy and often refuses to go, but we cope ok. She has working diagnosis’ now of Dyslexia, Co-ordination Difficulties (CODs) and is also diagnosed as Joint Hypermobility Syndrome (JHS), and Motor Delay which is mainly thought to be caused by the CODs and JHS. School are ok, they have times where they will work with me and other times where they won’t, but we manage with the help of an incredible Physio and even more incredible friends who prop me up and give me the fire in me that I need to fight for Mini. School have put quite a few adjustments in place recently so we’ll see how she gets on. She only has a year left though as she’s Year 3 and moves for Year 5 due to the system here.
She still sometimes goes to her old Nursery for Holiday Club, but most of the staff have changed now so she’s less in love with it, does still enjoy it though – there was no falling out just times have changed which is natural. We have however found another holiday club that she loves just as much as she loved Nursery, so shes happy and settled when she goes there.
She keeps begging for a dog, but I’m not ready for another pet. Not helped by the Physios and Podiatrists both saying a dog would not only help her, it would be “amazing for her” – she has insoles to help the JHS so sees podiatry regularly for that and of course has both wrapped around her little finger. She still does her swimming, is a Girlguide and dipped her toe in Gymnastics before settling on singing/choir all of which are/are still amazing for her (but not my bank balance). She’s smart, quick witted and still constantly smiling, even when it hurts or she’s not slept because of the pain. Mini just charms the pants off everyone she meets, Physio once said after a session “I do love Mini, she’s just so cute and funny” when she’d spent the whole session playing hide and seek with Mini (everytime she found Mini, Mini had to do a different exercise) and every teacher she’s had to date has described her as “Cheeky, funny and very polite”.
I am so incredibly proud of Mini, she takes everything in her stride, and I am in awe of her resilience and strength. She keeps me going on my darkest days.
Because there are still dark days. There have been times over the last 5 years where I’ve had to increase my anti-depressant dose and do a bit of self-care, there’s been times where I’ve not wanted to wake up. Theres been times where things have got on top of me and I’ve considered handing Mini over to SS – even though I’ve somehow managed to keep them from my door, times where I’ve had to dig deep to find my strength to just keep one foot in front of the other. But there’s also been fantastic times, times where we’ve not stopped laughing, times where I’ve had to drop everything and be the friend that so many where to me when I needed it, times where I’ve cried happy tears watching Mini singing in the choir or say a line in her school play or her just coming last in her race at Sports Day – because her just being there was an achievement in itself!
ExH doesn’t follow the order, doesn’t have her on a Thursday anymore at all, and has now moved out of his parents house. He takes Mini back to his parents for contact though which confuses her I think. He sees her Every Other Weekend for 1 night, but its not enough. Mini asks to see him more and he says no, I ask him to see her more and he tells me that if I can’t cope then he’ll have her fulltime (yes of course he will in his house that has no room for Mini obviously!) He occasionally turns up to girlguides stuff but ignores parents evenings and any school stuff. He doesn’t get involved with Choir.
But I can cope, most of the time (I’m having an ok day today though!) sometimes I wish he saw her more sometimes I wish he didn’t see her at all. But ExH pays his maintenance and I work, yep you read that right. I worked from home for a year but then started working freelance, it means I can work when I want. I try and set my days but as is life it doesn’t always work out like that! I do want a more regular job when I can though but nows not the right time because Mini needs me.
I tried dating a few years ago but the two men I spoke to it didn’t go anywhere with, which is fine, I’m happy single. Mini needs me to be there all the time, and if I could split in two and still be a good mum I would, but I love Mini too much to prioritise my love life over her.
I think as this is a long update there’s just one more thing I want to say:
To all those people who helped me along the way, I am forever grateful. My two very best friends in the whole world, one isn’t on here but one is. They’ve accepted me, hugged me, loved me for me. And I know I’ve had to show it to them in recent times to. My sisters not by blood but I love you the same way.
To the friend who the weekend after this happened not only dropped everything to help me but showed me the greatest kindness ever, who over the years has been a sounding block and kept and eye on things with Mini and ExH, if I can ever repay you please just call.
To the friends who’ve come and gone over the years, I love you all for different reasons. Thank you for being in mine and Mini’s lives.
To the SW who was involved all those years ago, I know you’re on here and I know you’ll recognise me. Thank you, without you I wouldn’t be a parent now, Mini may not even have a mum and who knows where she’d be? You probably don’t know it but something you said to me on one particular visit changed everything, you stopped me doing the unthinkable. I look back and hate myself for the way I spoke to you at times, you did everything to not only keep me and Mini together but make me a better mum, and I still hear you in my head when things get bad telling me I can do it for Minis sake. Sorry for the way I was, I know its part of your job but please know I am sorry and I try to be a better person from the experience.
And to all the MNetters who posted on my threads, thank you. I have read back my own threads over the years and used bits of advice from there. When needed the community here is amazing and I still see those names pop up and smile. Thank you!
To anyone going through DV and worried about the future, I can't say it's easy or that the easiest bit is leaving because it's not. But for me what was to come is the most amazing time of my life. And I'd still rather have the dark days now than when I was with my Ex!
As I said this will be my final update, I will be on this username until lunchtime tomorrow. Feel free to ask me any questions. This is a happy update I hope.
CatLady and Mini x