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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I need help with my 4 year old

5 replies

waitingforsummer23 · 04/03/2023 11:42

I am at my wit’s end! He has always been a child with huge emotions, both ends of the spectrum. So he is very sweet, loving, funny, joyful. But when things don’t go his way, and it can be something small, he goes mental. Huge screams. I label his emotions, reassure him I’m there, stay firm but fair. He comes out of it, but it’s just the ease with which he flips.

He’s not like this in nursery nor pre school, he is well behaved there, waits his turn, happy to share. I understand that we are his safe space. But he will still do it out and about if we are there - he had a raging tantrum in soft play recently because too many children were there and he had to wait for a while. He will scream at others, he’s a good size for his age and it scares other kids. I remove him, calm him down.

But I’m so worn down by it, I don’t tiptoe around him but everything is a battle. His older sibling has a play date currently and DS screamed at the friend because they were going to play on the games console
and DS wanted to (he’s not allowed because of the meltdowns he has when it’s time to come off).

OP posts:
Siennahh · 04/03/2023 13:30

If he's well behaved elsewhere I'd be tempted to think you're not being as firm as you think with him.

waitingforsummer23 · 04/03/2023 14:19

I don’t know how to discipline him, he doesn’t do time outs. I have given him naturally consequences in the past. It’s not me personally as he is also like this with DH and my DM who is close with us. The teachers at nursery and pre school don’t need to be firm because he just behaves there, he doesn’t lose it like he does with us!

OP posts:
waitingforsummer23 · 04/03/2023 14:19

If you have any tips I am all ears, please. Im at my absolute wits end. When he’s nice he’s an angel; and then he’s the devil.

OP posts:
Springisclose · 04/03/2023 14:29

At the soft play did you pack up and leave when he tantrums?
One strategy: DS we are going to soft play. If you have a tantrum we will leave. If he tantrums you leave - immediately.
Screaming at visitors- he is removed fron the scene - picked up if necessary, taken somewhere to calm down, then he apologizes.
Then it’s done and finished.
Or Dad takes him to the park so older DC gets uninterrupted playtime. Or he has a tantrum in his bedroom. Any of those Are valid.
The threenager stage can run quite far into age 4. And really when they are losing it naming emotions, reassurance etc I always thought it doesn’t really work. They are too emotional. The Storm needs to pass. And note for Next time with consequences and move on.
Avoiding trigger points eg maybe soft play just isn’t woth the hassle. A muddy walk outside might be a better option. feeding the ducks etc. But again reasonable expectations: Ds we hold Hands Next to the water, or you Must always be able to hear/See mummy or stop when mummy says etc. if you don’t we will go Home

waitingforsummer23 · 05/03/2023 16:46

I couldn’t leave on that occasion as we hadn’t long got there and had arrange to meet a friend. In theory I think that’s ideal and have done it before but to be honest I find it’s so hard to put in practice a lot of the time as if you’ve arranged to meet someone, for example, it’s unfair if you leave them alone. Or if I’m there with DC1 too, and they’re behaving well, they shouldn’t have to miss out.

He’s also very rude to his grandparents sometimes, again we will (for example) take him away from the table if he is rude, he has to apologise etc. But it’s just relentless. I really hope it is just the tail end of threenagers. He’s always been hard work but seemed to be growing out of if for a while, up until about 1.5-2 months ago, and his behaviour has regressed again.

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