Aibu to expect more from dh

[Kizzyo]

Dh work is physically demanding. I understand that and do take that into consideration. I work pt and my job is relatively relaxed in comparison. My job works around our dc and dh's job isn't very flexible but he does get 2 days off a week. Even on his days off, i feel he doesn't pull his weight. On my days off i do all school pick ups and drop offs. Get uniforms ready for every school day. Take children to their clubs. Any parties they have i take them. Take them to all appointments, do parents evening all on my own. Do majority (90%) of cooking and cleaning and never get any me time. Ive told him i need more help and he said he does his share and i do mine. And he needs his rest on his days off to be able to do his work. Aibu to expect a bit more help and support with dc?

Equal downtime is what you should have. So if you work 25hrs and do 20hrs housework/cooking/cleaning to his 40hrs work and 5hrs housework that is fair.

Parenting can be full on even once the above is covered. So what we did was we each had an evening off during the week and a half day each weekend.

So look more to equal me time and so long as you’re both doing something house/work/child related the rest of the time it doesn’t matter who is cooking the most and who washed the dishes last.

@Onnabugeisha Neither of us have ever looked at it that way. He definitely gets 'me time' where i get non. I do understand it can't be completely 50/50 home life because our working hours are so different. He works double what i do. But his days off are exactly that. Just wish he could see how tired I am. I do tell him but he just responds with 'I can't do more than I'm already doing'. And it's like, what do I say to that. There's no compromise with him. And it just seems like a competition with him where he works more so he deserves more rest and time for himself.

Exactly this.

My oh and I used to have an ongoing argument about stuff not being done around the house and my sister who attended therapy with her husband at some point in the past said that the therapist said they should see time as 'accounted for' in terms of an accumulative goal, so for example you take dc for regular activities then that is accounted for time, it's time that you dedicate to the common goal of the household.

it revolutionised my life and my ability to reason with my own OH.

i work less hours than him, but I do most school runs, most activities, shopping etc and when you take into account those hours that are spent away from the home and accounted for in terms of family life, he was in negative hours when you compared it to his. So he's accounted for for 40 hours a week, for example, I'm at work 25 hours but accounted for for another 20 so therefore I'm now putting in 5 hours more a week than him....you see? So when you break it down like that and literally spell it out to him.

Thats without cooking, cleaning and childcare within the home which was also massively falling on my shoulders and every now and then he'd utter some stupid comment like 'when was this bathroom last cleaned' or something equally as irritating but now he doesn't. He just cleans it himself and he does do WAY more around the house because we no longer count 'work' as work in our house. It's 'accounted for'. I used to diligently iron his clothes so that he looked smart for work. Now I couldn't give a toss and he doesn't iron his own shirts, they don't get done.

I do still do more than him overall, but I am much less bitter and our whole relationship improved when we learned how to navigate this minefield and have a common ground - an understanding of the other persons commitments to the smooth running of things.

little things as well like planning days out, birthdays, Christmas, play dates etc etc. All of those things take time and mental load. He does do more household admin without a doubt but all children admin including doctors/dentist/school/shopping and gift buying etc I also do.

It's totally readdressed the balance. Sounds like you need to get him on board to understand this

The other outcome for us was that it massively improved our sex life as I felt more appreciated and understood, and the more effort he makes to lighten my load the more I appreciate him etc. It's the little things but it has definitely helped us ❤️

What does he do around the home? I don't agree that you should have the same down time when his job is so much more demanding though. You work part time in a relaxed job, assuming you get down time on your days off?

But I do agree you should at least have some down time, if DH gets 2 days a week.

Competing as to who works more- someone always loses. Especially when you are both stretched thin and running madly on a hamster wheel. His job may be more physical, but your being mentally tired is equally valid.

There was a period when the DC were primary age that the only way we could get equal me time was to have a babysitter for the one evening a week- we went off and did our own thing then. Then on weekends we tag teamed. I had Saturday afternoon from 1-6pm to myself and he had Sunday from 1-6pm to himself. Rest of the time we were nonstop with work or kids, or house.

@Siennahh Not really a lot around the home. The washing up maybe twice a week and puts a wash on here and there. Then just leaves the washing on the bed for me to put away. He will cook for the children or get them a take away the days im on a late shift but leaves the washing up for me. We have an 18 month old so I get no me time on my days off.

I would just be happy with one morning or afternoon a month where i could be child free and catch up with friends, get my hair done, go shopping and not feel guilty for asking for that. Because he makes me feel like im putting pressure on him.

I work 12 hours to dh 37 plus he has a longer commute. Mon- Fri I do kids/ housework/cooking/dog walking. He helps put dc to bed. Weekend he cooks I wash up, we share looking after dc walking dogs and any additional jobs that need doing. We both get a lie in at weekends and try to share out down time.

Oh, and my DH was a SAHD then. He worked zero hours in paid employment and I worked sixty hours a week. We just had a pact of equal down time and I recognised that SAHD is a 24/7 job and he deserved a break as much as I did.

My hubby works 5 days 6am-6pm and then comes home dives straight in with 4 kids getting them ready for bed 2 younger than yours and 2 slightly older. Once we've got them in bed we make our tea together and while it cooks spun the hoover, he does dishes and cleans kitchen etc all ready for the next day so I have no complaints. He understands looking after children is very very different to working and besides he also made a choice to have children on top of his already work/life load as did I so we manage well between us

I think I agree with some other posters that it's easier to focus on what individual free time each of you gets. That can be hard to measure though because he may consider you are having free time if you're not physically engaged in a task. Maybe keep a diary for a week and document all jobs you do so he understands that when you're at a kids party or at the park, you're at work. When you're meal planning or running a bath, you're at work.
A run of time is a lot more valuable than a series of half hours here and there. An afternoon at the park is a lot more pleasurable than laying bricks in January or August but being up at 2am with a screeming toddler is hellish. Compare notes and see what you can agree on. You might find he says bathtime is a doddle and he'll do it.

I used to say, when you choose not to do something you are choosing for me to do it instead.

If talking to him doesn’t work, you just have to take the time. Just walk out the door and say you will be back in a couple of hours. You have to have a bit of down time, raising a family is hard work. With the house work, just do a bit less. Let him do his own washing, do simple meals for you and the kids and he can either have what you are having or get his own. You can’t control him, but you can make changes that make your life easier.

It may be true that he's unable to do more than he is, because of the physicality of his work. But that doesn't mean that you should not get any downtime. Also, it doesn't mean that HE gets to decide that he deserves 2 full days of downtime and you deserve none. He is not the sole arbiter of who gets what downtime. At the least it's a joint decision. Unfortunately, some men, when they hear "joint decision" what they hear is that you will petition them with your opinion and then they will make the decision they want (usually in their own favor, obviously) and you are expected to abide by it. If you call them on it, they may patiently say that you agreed to it (when what they really mean is they refused to consider any POV other than their own).

If he's unable to do any more more than he is doing then there are two ways you can squeeze in some downtime: first, spend some of the family money on a babysitter so you can go out on your own, get your hair done, have coffee with friends, etc. Or, second, lower your standards for housework, possibly by scheduling in downtime (e.g. when all the kids are in school/preschool) and simply choosing not to do housework or chores in that time.