Another eulogy etiquette one

[funeraletiquette1]

Name changing in case outing.

I was reading the thread about the second wife's eulogy at her husband's funeral and it made me think of a funeral I went to. This isn't nearly as bad, I don't think, but would be interested to hear your views.

Margaret dies at the age of 95, leaving behind three grown up sons and various grandchildren.

At the funeral, Margaret's eldest son asks his cousins, Margaret's sister's children, whether they would like to say something about Margaret. One of the cousins, Susan, says she would like to. Susan prepares a short eulogy and reads it out at the funeral without running it past anyone first.

In her eulogy, Susan talks about how when she was a child, Margaret treated her like the daughter she never had, buying her dresses and dolls and doing girly stuff with her. She comes very close to saying that Margaret always wanted a daughter and never had one, so Susan was the closest thing she had.

Is this an OK thing to say at a funeral in front of Margaret's sons and their families? Or is it a bit off?

Full disclosure: I am a relative of Margaret's who was at the funeral. I am not one of Margaret's sons, DILs or grandchildren so I have no particular skin in the game.

I think it’s ok, I have three sons but also like to make a fuss of my niece as I don’t have a daughter. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel incredibly blessed to have my boys.

It depends exactly what was said. But people don't often write well and things can come across differently to how they are intended. I would cut some slack and think Susan was trying to explain how fond she was of the deceased.

I don't remember exactly what was said.

I am Susan's daughter, and admit that I am quite sensitive about the things Susan says and how they may come across to others.

It is hard to get a sense of how it came across without being in the room. It could have conveyed Susan’s huge affection for the deceased or it could have sounded like she was trying to make it all about her (in the sense that it was all about how the deceased related to Susan specifically). Did anyone suggest it seemed off? If not I wouldn’t worry about it and assume everyone thought it was the former.

I think it was a bit off ( but surely she meant well).
Did you get any hint as to whether the sons were hurt by those words?
A relative of mine recently told me that my dad had always wanted a boy. It made me feel as if I must have been a disappoitment.
I am a big girl now, and can come with this, but still think it was an unkind thing to say.

I wouldn’t worry about it, sounds like she was just trying to emphasise how kind Margaret was to her plus the sons asked if any of them wanted to do it.

I’ve been the ‘victim’ as it were of a poorly written eulogy and it didn’t bother me, not the time to be worried about such things.

I think that sounds very sweet and within my family it would be received as a touching tribute to an aunt who obviously meant a lot to her. Unless there’s other context like Margaret was neglectful of her sons or something, I think it’s fine.

Ok, I'm reassured that it probably didn't come across as badly as I thought then! I remember cringing quite a lot at the time. Nobody said anything as far as I'm aware.