To want my child to go to a school they really don’t want to

Original poster

Bea44 · 03/03/2023 19:11

I must add the only reason they want the 1st choice school is because their friends are going there. If the best friends were at the 2nd choice school then my child would want to go there too. There is no other factors over why my child wants that particular school

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/03/2023 19:12

No, and more to the point that’s the school they have a place at.

Just explain to them you have to accept the place at the 2nd choice school now, or they could end up somewhere miles away.

Then try and arrange for them to spend some time with kids going there.

Zippidydoda · 03/03/2023 19:14

Can you maybe say you have to accept the place to guarantee they have a school space. However if she is t happy after x amount of months she can go on the wishing list for a space at the other school.

it must be hard. Moving to secondary school is scary. Can she make effort to build friendship with others her will be going to the secondary she has a place at.

Poppingwatermelons · 03/03/2023 19:15

You are the parent. You make the decision based on what is best for your child.

OhmygodDont · 03/03/2023 19:17

You can stay on the waiting list and even if a place comes up you don’t have to move. I’d say she can be on the list just to settle her right now. I mean she never actually has to know if a place comes up anyway tbh.

But by the time she starts at her actual new school and learns the ropes and meets new people she won’t want to move anyway. I bet a lot of these friends won’t be actual friends within a month or two at secondary.

We moved during year 5 and genuinely only 2/3 children have stayed friends with my middle even though we live in the same city still and have a open door policy to those friends for get togethers/sleepovers. My oldest is only friends with 1 person from his primary who’s at his secondary and 80% of his year went there.

user1471447924 · 03/03/2023 19:21

No, this is an important decision and one that you make for your child.

OvertiredandConfused · 03/03/2023 19:23

Accept the place at the school you want that has been offered. You can still go on the waitlist for the other school. If they contact you and offer a place at the other school, you can decide what to do and whether to tell your daughter.

Leeds2 · 03/03/2023 19:24

I wouldn't really give them any option other than to start talking up, and positively about, the school they have a place at. Can you encourage them to try and form a closer relationship with the DC in their class who are going to this school? They probably won't be best friends with these children after a few weeks at the new school, but nice to see some familiar faces on the first days. Does DC do anything out of school, such as swimming or scouts etc, where they can speak to those who will be going to their new school but aren't at their present one? Maybe arrange a playdate, if playdate is the right word for 11 year olds! I'm sure the other mum(s) would also be grateful. When DC goes to their taster day(s), get them to get contact details of anyone they hang out with and, if suitable, try and arrange a meet up at the park for a group of them so that they get to know each other better. A lot of DC's anxiety will be helped if they get to know some of the other students beforehand.

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 03/03/2023 19:25

I would absolutely go for the ‘second choice’ school. They will soon forget about their original choice especially if, as a PP said, you arrange meet ups with those going to the same one.

Sarahcoggles · 03/03/2023 19:25

OvertiredandConfused · 03/03/2023 19:23

Accept the place at the school you want that has been offered. You can still go on the waitlist for the other school. If they contact you and offer a place at the other school, you can decide what to do and whether to tell your daughter.

This.
And the chances are that if/when a place becomes available at her preferred school, she won't want to move anyway as she'll have new friends.

Snoken · 03/03/2023 19:57

Agree with others, accept the place and stay on wait list for her first choice. I don’t think you need to be completely totalitarian and refuse her to even try and get into the school they want to go to. I never understand when people say you are the parent, you make the decision. It’s your child who has to spend every day there, they should have a say. Especially at secondary age.

Runnerduck34 · 03/03/2023 20:21

Accept the place and go on waiting list for first choice school, if a place comes up before September accept it, if not go to second choice.
It must be really upsetting for your daughter, its a massive change for her, does she easily make friends? If so chances are she will quickly make friends, perhaps encourage friendships with the children she knows who are going to the new school. Moving to secondary school is scary.

Ketchupwee · 03/03/2023 20:33

I was in your child's shoes all those years ago.

I lived in an area where the 12+ was mandatory and I got into the local all girls grammar, when all of my friends were going to the local comprehensive. I was devastated, it would be the end of my world, my parents HAD to let me go with my friends.

They didn't, it was fine, most of my middle school friends found new friendship groups anyway so I wasn't the one 'missing out'

Emptycrackedcup · 03/03/2023 20:37

I'm going to go against the grain, this happened to me and my neice. I don't think we ended up better off. I would let your child go to the school their friends are (unless it was a terrible school, and the friends are also terrible)

yepmelady · 03/03/2023 20:43

You explain the fact is simply that's where she has a place. It's not your fault and nothing you can do, reassure her she is on waiting list. But you don't have to ever accept a place and you do not tell her if one is offered. She will make friends at her school.
My DS had this also and went alone and is absolutely fine, they all make new friends. Funnily our first choice school is currently having serious issues whilst his school ( our 3rd choice) is really thriving and DS is on track for straight 9"s. If you are happy with the school she got just let it ride out, no argument needed you can be Symantec but nothing you can do. Simple fact of life that's her school as per allocation.

Ponderosamum · 08/06/2023 23:16

Bea44 · 03/03/2023 19:09

my Child was allocated their 2nd choice for secondary school and is really upset about it.
although they will know a fair few other children from the class, their closest friends are going to a different school in the area.
the school we got allocated is a much more sought after school and I was rather shocked they was allocated it and I would love for my child to go to this school however my child has been in tears saying they desperately want to stay on the waiting list to try and get the 1st choice school. I’m really at a loss on what to do. There is no guarantee that they will get the 1st choice school.
am I unreasonable for wanting to go against my child’s wishes and put them in the other school (2nd choice) which I think will suit my child much better

You have to accept the school to keep a school place , but you can contact the other school and go on the waitlist anyway. I’d tell your child this but that it’s unlikely a place will come up and it’s out if your hands. Should a place come up at the 1st choice however, you can have that discussion with your child when / if you need or want to.
My son got a place at his 2nd choice school, I actually thought it was the best choice for him anyway, but we went on the waitlist for the 1st choice anyway as he wanted to. A place came up late in the day at choice 1 pre start of term but by then he had already accepted the second choice and mentally moved on, I declined the space and I didn’t tell him. He is thriving at the 2nd choice school and is very happy there. On the other hand, My daughter went to a school that 2 of her friends also went to (her first choice) but she now has a new group of friends at the school (she is in year 7) and does not really see the girls that came from the same primary school. Prior to starting the school, there is normally a ‘transition day’ that they can go to the new school and meet their peers. I think it really helps if they can go to this. My daughter met and made a few new friends attending that day so she then knew a few girls prior to starting, hopefully your daughter will be able to do the same and will then feel better about going there.

Hellocatshome · 08/06/2023 23:45

Emptycrackedcup · 03/03/2023 20:37

I'm going to go against the grain, this happened to me and my neice. I don't think we ended up better off. I would let your child go to the school their friends are (unless it was a terrible school, and the friends are also terrible)

There is no "letting her" go to the school her friends are going to. She doesn't have a place.she can be put on the waiting list but there is a chance she will ever get to the top.

mastertomsmum · 08/06/2023 23:54

I think it sounds like it will work out for the best. However, go on the waiting list just in case.

Regarding whose decision it is re secondary school, it’s usually the child who makes the running in the choice of school. However, it’s not often based on friends going forward as they usually realise that secondary school is a whole new ball game re friendships and/or they want the best school for their interests- sport, academic etc.

Original poster

Bea44 · 09/06/2023 08:00

Thanks for the replies here. I appreciate everyone’s input.
we accepted the 2nd choice school and automatically went on the waiting list for the 1st choice.
I received an email a few weeks after that saying that we had been allocated the 1st choice school in the second round of allocations. There was no option to keep the 2nd choice school but to accept the 1st choice. So all is well. Child is happy they’re starting their first choice school in September with their closest friends. And that makes me happy too.

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