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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend he's messaged me?

45 replies

somuchnoise · 03/03/2023 14:13

Split up with long term ex partner (his decision) nearly 18 months ago. We've had the odd text over that time, but nothing major. He's started messaging quite a bit this week, to the point where he's now just text and asked me to go over to his tonight (it was clear what he wants!). Had a quick FB browse and he's been in a relationship for the last 7 months.

It's grim. Do I let her know or just ignore and block him?

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 03/03/2023 15:49

Ten minutes and you ran straight to Mumsnet?

Hardly that inconceivable? She's just found this out and wants some anonymous advice in what to do next!

OP I think if the messages are very clear, I'd send screenshots to her with a note to say you just found out about her, and thought she'd want to know about these messages. If you want to say you are blocking him now as well, that's up to you (in case anything in your replies previously don't look too good). I'd definitely block him, and consider blocking her - but maybe give her a chance to ask any questions first. If she gets arsey or aggressive just block and forget about them.

Johnisafckface · 03/03/2023 15:50

Calphurnia88 · 03/03/2023 15:20

Tricky one.

If I was the GF I would want to know (I would also want screenshots), however, if a friend was in your position and asked me for advice I would probably tell her to stay out of it.

That's probably because I would leave a man who did that and not hold a grudge against the woman messaging him, however, people are strange and you don't know who you're dealing with here.

I would tell him you're aware he has a GF then stop messaging him.

This. I would want to know. Especially if there are screenshots. I know too many married/partnered men that do things like this and I feel like their OHs should know.

Original poster
somuchnoise · 03/03/2023 15:51

@MrsDoylesDoily Yes.

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 03/03/2023 15:53

Tillow4ever · 03/03/2023 15:49

Ten minutes and you ran straight to Mumsnet?

Hardly that inconceivable? She's just found this out and wants some anonymous advice in what to do next!

OP I think if the messages are very clear, I'd send screenshots to her with a note to say you just found out about her, and thought she'd want to know about these messages. If you want to say you are blocking him now as well, that's up to you (in case anything in your replies previously don't look too good). I'd definitely block him, and consider blocking her - but maybe give her a chance to ask any questions first. If she gets arsey or aggressive just block and forget about them.

If she blocks the girlfriend on FB will that also delete the messages? 🤔

Deezeboob · 03/03/2023 15:53

I'd tell her! If she or he wants to make out your a crazy ex so be it. At least you tried to warn her. Then I'd block them both and get back to my drama free life :)

TurnipSurprise · 03/03/2023 15:55

send her the screenshots and then block him. Block the GF if she tries to cause drama but I would be grateful if I were her.

FredInYourHead · 03/03/2023 15:55

Calphurnia88 · 03/03/2023 15:20

Tricky one.

If I was the GF I would want to know (I would also want screenshots), however, if a friend was in your position and asked me for advice I would probably tell her to stay out of it.

That's probably because I would leave a man who did that and not hold a grudge against the woman messaging him, however, people are strange and you don't know who you're dealing with here.

I would tell him you're aware he has a GF then stop messaging him.

Careful, I said nearly exactly the same thing as you on another thread not too long ago and was called a hypocrite 🙈

Op, I'd want to know if I was the GF but like pp said, you don't know how they're going to react. You could end up being the shit-stirring bad guy. So it's a hard one.

Calphurnia88 · 03/03/2023 16:00

FredInYourHead · 03/03/2023 15:55

Careful, I said nearly exactly the same thing as you on another thread not too long ago and was called a hypocrite 🙈

Op, I'd want to know if I was the GF but like pp said, you don't know how they're going to react. You could end up being the shit-stirring bad guy. So it's a hard one.

Show quote history

It does sound hypocritical on the face of it, but it's because I know how I would react (if I was the GF).

As you say, you don't know how others will react and OP could be twisted into becoming the bad guy.

zingally · 03/03/2023 16:04

Ignore and block. Be the bigger person.

Justalittlebitduckling · 03/03/2023 16:10

It’s possible they’ve split up and not updated social media.

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/03/2023 16:13

Sisters before misters. Let her know and save her from your shitty ex.

Women doing the right thing for other women is powerful

DiddyHeck · 03/03/2023 17:30

somuchnoise · 03/03/2023 14:24

@maddy68 How exactly am I as bad as him? I'm single. I didn't realise he was in a relationship until about 10 minutes ago and I haven't replied since!

If you two have been messaging all week, what made you check his FB today?

Original poster
somuchnoise · 03/03/2023 17:31

@DiddyHeck Nothing more than curiosity!

OP posts:
samqueens · 03/03/2023 17:54

@Tillow4ever gives some good advice.

if you’re no longer invested in your relationship with him, then I would pass the information on to her in this kind of low drama way.

she may think you’re messing with her, she may forgive him, they may stay together or whatever - but maybe you’ll save her from a really shitty relationship. And, in my experience, even more importantly - if they stay together but she later gets a gut feel he’s messing around, or thinks something is up, knowing that he has previous might help her get out before she gets in too deep.

I certainly wish women were prepared to be more honest with each other in general about this kind of thing… it can help when/if you end up at your lowest ebb in a relationship to know whether you’re crazy or whether there’s likely to be some truth in your suspicions

yousilvertongueddevilyou · 03/03/2023 18:09

@somuchnoise Never underestimate the power of denial

Original poster
somuchnoise · 03/03/2023 18:19

If I was her I'd like to know but I don't like drama and it looks like I'm the bitter ex when I'm not at all.

OP posts:
samqueens · 03/03/2023 19:43

somuchnoise · 03/03/2023 18:19

If I was her I'd like to know but I don't like drama and it looks like I'm the bitter ex when I'm not at all.

He will see it that way (you trying to sabotage him) but you don’t know how she will see it either now or later. Most women want to tell the gf because they would want to know in the same position, or they think she deserves to know what kind of guy she’s with. So why assume she will take a different view - she may well understand, if not now then at least later. Either way - you know why you’re doing it, and that’s the main thing

OrangeBlossum · 03/03/2023 20:21

Tell her. So she's not wasting her time.

SchoolTripDrama · 03/03/2023 20:40

I'm gobsmacked that people are suggesting not telling the girlfriend. Really?!? She has a right to know. Would you not want to know if you were in her shoes? OP could quite easily send the message with the screenshots as proof and then block. No way then of being dragged into anymore drama

SpinningFloppa · 03/03/2023 20:47

SchoolTripDrama · 03/03/2023 20:40

I'm gobsmacked that people are suggesting not telling the girlfriend. Really?!? She has a right to know. Would you not want to know if you were in her shoes? OP could quite easily send the message with the screenshots as proof and then block. No way then of being dragged into anymore drama

I told someone and she chose to say with him then kept harassing me after; absolutely never again! You are assuming the person will care.

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