To ask about your friendships / why can’t I find good friends / or is it just me who is really wrong?

[TabooOfNoSex]

I honestly could use some perspective here!

So, this has to go TMI and personal information so I can ask about the problem:
So, I don’t date - would like to but I’m repulsed / not interested / can’t do the sex stiff.
So my dating life is non-existent, sad but I’ve made my peace with it.

And now to my friends (?).
They can’t seem to let this go.
They keep asking about my dating, intrusive questions why I don’t have a man, am I lesbian, try to force (sometimes random men) on me.
And there are some comments that seem to be mocking about my lack of action or whatever.

Now the question.
Life has shown that people talk A LOT about dating/relationships/sex, fine.
But is it common to not accept that some don’t?
I’m just asking because I’ve never really met a person who doesn’t at least at some point start to impose these things/ intrusive questions at me.

What do you say when they ask?

On paper it's none of their business but in reality they will assume you eventually want at least some sex, if not a long term partner, so you might have to find something permanent to say, like that you're asexual!

How old are you ? I can remember people talking a lot about relationships when we were in our twenties, after that not so much.

It’s true that a lot of people (often women) are very focused on the idea that sexual and romantic relationships are the central focus of people’s lives.

I say women because women are socially conditioned to think that they are defined by their relationship status. Men are generally better able to limit the extent to which this defines their identity. This is changing slowly but a lot of women still default to the idea that you are not “whole” without a male partner. I have loads of experience of this as I have been single for long periods of my life and a certain group of people tends to assume you are sad about it. It is tedious and draining.

As a PP said I think you need to set out some boundaries. You don’t have to share your intimate thoughts on sex with anyone but it might be useful with people you trust to define your views on this; you can call yourself asexual or just say this isn’t something that particularly interests you.

Some people are small minded and will circle back to it but you just hold the line on it.

I think you would help yourself if you learn to care less about other people’s views. As the old saying goes: the people who mind don’t matter and the people who matter don’t mind.

Thank you for comments.

What do you say when they ask?
Admittedly at first I’ve been vague or with new people I just try and mive the topic, because it’s such a painful topic and just said something about not caring that much.
It’s easier to lie and say I’m not interested in relationships, but then people unfortunately take it as I have hook-up’s or want that with them (if men)

I agree thepeople, this problem is worse with women.

we’re all in out 30’s.

Well, to me it sounds like you have been giving mixed messages, rather than they are not good friends. You say you would like to date, your friends are probably picking up on this and trying to solve your "problem" for you...they think you're shy, or secretly gay, or just don't know how to start.

You're absolutely right, it's none of their business, but have you actually said directly that you're happy being single for now and please stop bringing it up? If you have and they persist then that's intrusive. But they might be meaning well, just not understanding.

Do you think you're asexual? Because there are dating sites for asexual people who want close romantic relationships just no sexual stuff.

I think it is unusual and good friends would be interested. Also if they know you'd like to date and are trying to set you up, that's quite normal (although can also be annoying).

Have you talked to them properly about all this? I.e.trusted them like good friends?

@HonestFeedback
I don’t ever talk about dating or anything, at all, myself.
It’s just when they start to aks and pressure me, I’ll say it’s not really for me and move the topic to anything else.
I’ve been asked if I’m a lesbian and I’ve tolf them no.

Re: asexuality, I don’t know, I’ve googled it but it seem to be all over the place.
Many (online boards) say they are proud asexuals and have sex, want it, like it.
They seemed to talk about sex also a lot.
It really didn’t seem to be any different than ’normal’ people and dating.
So I don’t think I am one myself.

Sorry, what is unusual?

No, I haven’t had a proper talk about this (outside of internet strangers) with anyone.
I’m way too embarrassed and shamed that I don’t want sex.
These days it seems that when it comes to sex everything goes, except not having it.
I know it makes me weird, I don’t need others to know it too.
I don’t see talking about it going very well, those who are a bit explicit about it, really like it and find it important, so I don’t think they would understand at all.

.