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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? Memory from Foster home.

14 replies

Tempone · 02/03/2023 22:55

I was in and out of residential and Foster care as a teen and a few things have been popping into my mind recently and I wondered if they were normal. I have no baseline for normal family dynamic so get confused sometimes about scenarios.

We were on holiday and the family were all playing cards for money (not big money think 5 to 10 pounds). I refused because I really didn't want to waste.my money as I was crap at the game. The Foster dad got really angry with me and called me cheap. I found this upsetting as I had come from a home of neglect where no money was ever spent on me.

I was 16 and I would stay up later then rest of the family and watch a movie with Foster dad. The Foster mum got pissed with me and him because she said it was inappropriate.i overheard an argument and she accused him of fancying me. I really don't think he did, I never ever got that vibe from him. It made me feel like an intruder and not part of their family, I already felt alienated and different.

I dont really know why I am asking, but these two scenarios play on my mind and make me feel guilty.

Were they unreasonable or are these normal family interactions?

OP posts:
xogossipgirlxo · 02/03/2023 22:59

No, these aren't normal.

Chrysanthemum5 · 02/03/2023 23:00

I think you know these are not normal family interactions - and I say that as someone who grew up in a very violent and abusive home so I don't have a lot of knowledge of normal but even I can see your memories are not ok.

I think the question is why you are wondering about these things. You were treated badly and I'm really sorry about that

Throckmorton · 02/03/2023 23:01

They were really unreasonable to you!

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 02/03/2023 23:02

No, they're not normal family interactions. And in my family when we played cards it was for matches or - at most - copper coins.

I'm sorry you had these experiences :(

Original poster
Tempone · 02/03/2023 23:05

Thank you all. I don't know why these things stick in my head as much worse has happened to me over the years, but if I were to dig deep I think they feed into shame.
Shame of being poor and overly promiscuous at ayoung age due to looking for loving validation.
I always felt like I was made to feel like I should have been grateful that I had been fostered into a "normal" family. But they were dysfunctional too.

OP posts:
Jadviga · 02/03/2023 23:07

You have nothing to feel guilty about, they do.

I would never play for money with my chilren, that is shockingly inappropriate and you were wise to refuse.

The second one, there isn't anything wrong with watching a movie with foster dad. Foster mom was probably projecting her insecurities, which was quite unfair on you. Whether or not she truly thought he had an interest in you, this conversation should have been had in private. If she believed you were at risk then she should have involved professionnals to make sure you were safe. If she didn't then she should have worked on her own insecurities with a MH professionnal.

They failed you. I'm sorry.

Wasywasydoodah · 02/03/2023 23:08

Definitely not normal. Sorry these happened to you xxx

Original poster
Tempone · 02/03/2023 23:11

I believe they are no longer together now. They used to have massive rows, she had a second phone. He found out about it. Their children and me heard all of the rows especially after drinking.

I'm actually pretty angry why were these people allowed to Foster?(rhetorical)

OP posts:
snowtrees · 02/03/2023 23:16

My instinct is that it's nothing directly to do with you. They were a couple with issues. Maybe they needed money hence fostering. The arguements were prob not actually about you

snowtrees · 02/03/2023 23:18

Lots of families have lots of issues. Two phones as you describe indicates either an affair or someone planning an exit route. Unless genuinely a work phone

Original poster
Tempone · 02/03/2023 23:20

No definitely not a work phone. No it was implied it was for texting other men/man

OP posts:
Bikechic · 02/03/2023 23:24

I'm a foster parent. The first one - really bizarre. Not normal for an adult to expect a child to gamble with their own money. In my family we used to play for pennies, but my dad would've given me the pennies to play with in the first place.
Second one - Not good that foster mum brought it up in this way and I'm not surprised you felt as you did but as a foster carer you are supposed to be very careful to avoid inappropriate interaction. Maybe the training had made her paranoid. It's certainly not your fault.

Bikechic · 02/03/2023 23:36

Also seen your update. Sounds like these things were part of bigger problems they had. Sorry you didn't get the loving family you needed op.

Annabananna1 · 02/03/2023 23:40

Sounds like they were bad foster carers and you deserved better.

They acted irresponsibly in both scenarios. You did nothing wrong.

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