To think I’m a monster

[FootballWife]

Had a dream last night that my mum had died and felt disappointed this morning that it was only a dream. She’s not abusive or malicious so I’m a bit surprised to be feeling like this. We’ve never been close and I was always terrified of having girls in case we had the same relationship.
I’ve always found her very annoying because she’s an odd combination of passive, anxious and overpowering.

No point to this really but I can’t talk to anyone IRL about this obviously

I get it. It’s not that you’d wish her dead. But to be free from the passive aggression and the tense relationship would be a relief. You are not a monster. You are just someone with a difficult relationship with their mum.

You are not a monster. Your brain is doing exactly what it should, using your subconscious to process difficult issues.

I get it. I loved my DM but she was very manipulative and had narcissistic tendencies. She had me under thumb til she died when I was 35. Altho I grieved her passing, I also felt some relief. I felt guilty for that but I now know that it was because of how she had treated me most of my life that made me feel that way. I didn't ever wish her dead and I would love for her to still be alive, but I can't deny that I feel relief to not have to live with her behaviour anymore.

She’s not manipulative or narcissistic. She’s not an awful person and she does love her kids and grandchildren. I made a conscious decision a long time ago not to complain about things I could change and try not to worry anything I couldn’t change. It’s so sad how much of her life has been her worrying about stuff that might not even happen, or about how shit my dad was when they got married 50 years ago. There’s no joy in her life and it’s sad.
I just get so annoyed by her being totally baffled that anyone else might have a different life experience, and practically having kittens if anyone makes a decision that she doesn’t think is quite the right one as she’s so anxious. She will answer for me if I’m not quick enough replying to my DCs, usually with the wrong bloody answer. She’d rather not make any decisions in case they’re wrong but then complain constantly about whatever it is that she’s decided not to sort out. For some reason she thinks it would be really rude to tell anyone what she actually needs and it’s all vague hints and sighing. She’s exhausting.