To be struggling with making the days work?

[FiveHundredDucksWentOutOneDay]

I'm so, so tired; and worried I'm approaching burnout.

Our son is 15 months old. I'm a contractor; husband is a SAHD. We have no family nearby, so no support in that sense.

At the moment, I work roughly 10 - 4, and then 8 - 10pm to finish up. It's not always full on... On Mondays we all have lunch together somewhere, some days DH and baby go to classes and I stay home for calls, some days I work from soft play or wherever they've gone. I have a lot of flexibility in where I work most of the time; as long as it gets done; and when I travel for work, DH and DS come along and they really enjoy that.

The "plan" by now was to have converted the extension into an office for me, and done the garden; and for DS to be in nursery 4 days a week while DH worked. But costs for building works have rocketed, and nursery isn't far behind - we're now at nearly £80 a day. DH's industry isn't thriving right now, either, so he hasn't had many interviews. Childminders are few and far between here, and won't accept part-time hours.

So DH wants to make things work as we are, especially as we would like a second child. But I'm so tired, and I'm not even sure that I'm pulling my weight 🥴

Our routine, roughly...
6am - DS wakes up; DH will take him downstairs for breakfast
8am - DS has been falling asleep again for a nap 🥴 I get up and shower; etc.
9am - I start work. DH and DS either play or go out.
12pm - DS has lunch; and then a nap for an hour or so, typically.
4pm - I finish work for the evening
5pm - DH or I cook tea, usually with DS hanging off us, he loves to cook
7pm - DS gets ready for bed; and has a last feed. Typically he goes to bed between 7:30 and 830, and will go to sleep lying with DH. I tidy up and then go back to work
9:30pm - I try to stop working if I can
10pm - I go to bed
12pm - DS wakes for a feed, and then usually around 3/4am too. Sometimes he feeds a lot more.

On Fridays, I take DS out for at least a few hours, and DH tends to either do some painting/gardening/etc, or watch a movie and have some downtime. We're fairly even in terms of socialising time; we probably both go out with friends for a drink or a catch-up every couple of weeks. In an ideal world, I'd get help to do the decorating/gardening; but DH wants to do it.

I should also say that we "share" the general housework - tidying, hoovering, washing up, laundry - but he does more than me overall, for sure.

Is there anything obvious I could be doing here to feel less dead? Am I pulling my weight?

Apart from the going back to work when DS goes to bed, that all sounds quite reasonable. Are you able to start work earlier so that you can just finish earlier?

I start work at 8am so that I can finish at 4pm most days, I feel better knowing that I am around for making DD's dinner (totally different ages to your Ds though now) and other household stuff and then just sititng on my arse and relaxing.

If I were you I would try to do everything you can to separate work from home life. Do you have a room you can designate as your office and lock yourself away in it each day? Basically work as if your DS is at nursery and your DH is at work. Don't accompany them when they go out. Work normal office hours and then when you're finished at 5 or whenever, switch off from work and focus on family and yourself (you need a break from responsibility too even if just an hour a week to go for a walk).

Here are my thougts

The night waking/feeds are not necessary at 15mo. Time to sleep train.

Your working day is odd - you have a SAHP doing the childcare so cram as much into 8.30-5.30 as you can and stop logging back on in the evenings.

Are you full time? I get that you want dh to have downtime, but if you are wanting to do a 40 hour week maybe his downtime day should be a day you don't work at all?

Sleep train to cut the night feeds out. You can do this in a gentle way.

Work 8 to 6 and have the evening to yourself once DS is in bed.

I was a sahm when the kids were little and DH worked full time. Mostly he went out to work, but during covid he wfh.

We basically didn’t see him between 8am-5.30/6pm apart from half an hour for lunch if he was home. He rarely worked in the evenings.

Personally I’d find it hard to get back into work so late and would rather just do a longer day. I also wouldn’t expect DH to give me time off from the kids on a Friday if it meant him having to work on an evening.

WFH was great for us with flexibility. Being able to leave one or both kids with DH while I had an appointment or something in the work day was life changing for me. But his work paid the bills and took priority

Is sleep training basically just refusing to feed him overnight? I don't think I could listen to him cry. We had a really traumatic birth and then a few weeks in NICU where I wasn't allowed to attend to him; and I've got CPTSD as a result. I'm in talking therapies but I really struggle when he's upset. Thankfully, he does not cry much.

I am full-time. The nature of my job means it's often unsociable hours - so this week, for example, Monday and Tuesday didn't have much on; but Friday and Saturday will be manic. Later in the year, Saturday and Sunday will be peak times, and then whatever weekdays the clients want meetings and things on.

I could definitely find a way to separate myself off and try and work normal hours... I feel like I'd only see DS for a few hours a day then, but I guess that might have to be the case!

Thanks for the thoughts. I feel like I can't see the wood for the trees.

When you have only one parent working and earning it is normal for that parent to see their young child a couple of hours a day (maximum). Also normal for the SAHP to deal with most night wakings

It seems like you are trying to be like a SAHP, ie be around with DS almost as much as a SAHP, keep waking in the night with him like a SAHP, but also work full time. Bluntly it’s not possible, you’re trying to fit two jobs into one day. You are more than pulling your weight (no criticism of your DP, it sounds like it is your choice).

I think either you accept that DH is SAHP and you are breadwinner (at least for now) and you therefore work more in the day and don’t get up in the night so much, or DH gets a job and you can reduce your work hours and see more of DS without trying to fit in a full time job too.

By the way sleep training would be difficult short term but medium and long term would be better for you all IMO… broken nights aren’t great for DS either.

Yes it would involve not feeding him in the night. A filling supper of porridge or similar, then a no spill cup of water available to him overnight means he wouldn't be waking for food or thirst.

I totally get why you would find it challenging to do this, with the history, however it isn't necessary for him to wake overnight now, and actually, would do well for him to learn how to sleep through without needing milk or rocking or whatever.

It may be something you feel up to doing at some point, or you agree a time with dh where you go sleep elsewhere a couple of nights - it likely would take less than 5 nights.

some days I work from soft play or wherever they've gone

Why are you also at softplay (or wherever they have gone). Surely it makes sense to stay at home and finish your work so you don't need to go back to it in the evening?

Overall sounds like lack of boundaries and structure.

I think it sounds a bit strange, almost like you try and do everything altogether with work thrown in as well.

I have a 14mo, am back at work and am feeling pretty dead - but I know it's all about sleep. I let my MN bus talk me out of sleep training at 9/10mo and I wish I'd ignored them. Now we need to find the right time - we've moved hour, DD has had a horrid bug, DH has had a horrid bug, but aiming to do it soon.

I know it's horrid to contemplate but people who've done it say it's worthwhile. I think a few proper nights sleep would do you a world of good.

Agree with this point. It sounds like poor demarcation of roles. If DH is a SAHP then:

• why on earth are you working from soft play?
• why do you split chores 50/50, he should be doing waaaaay more
• do you also get the same downtime like he gets on a Friday?

DH is on to a really good deal here, at your expense frankly.

I have worked with a young child but now I’m a stay at home Mum. This is my view. DH needs to be doing Sun to Fri night feeds. Get up at 6, you’re already awake, start work earlier 8.30 - 9 then finish work at 5. This way you have an evening.

You can’t be a sahp and the breadwinner at the same time. Why go to soft play? Take 20 mins or so out of your day to have 1:1 time with your child but what’s the point of working from soft play?

I think the crux of this has just dawned on me... You're all right, I'm trying to be at home, and the breadwinner, and that's why there just isn't enough time.

The agreement was never that I'd work FT and DH would be the SAHD. He lost his job when Covid hit and was freelancing, but the work dried up when his disability flared, although he's fine and able to work, he's just been left with a visible physical issue that seems to have put employers off.

So right now, I have to earn the money, but I also don't want to miss out on DS being small. DH has taken to being a SAHD and they're great together, but I feel like I miss out on loads.

Lots to think about. Thank you all.

Is sleep training basically just refusing to feed him overnight?

No it's not that at all.

You do it at bedtime not in the middle of the night. It teaches them to self soothe instead of waking up and needing feeding to fall back to sleep.
Once they have worked out how to fall asleep on their own they fall back to sleep when they wake in the night.

You put them to bed and if they cry you leave them for 1 minute then come back to console them, put them down and then leave them. If they cry again then leave them for 2 minutes and console them but minimal talking and eye contact. If they cry leave them for 4 minutes. Same again after 6 minutes, then 8 minutes. After that they will fall asleep. You will need to do this again on the following night and if you are unlucky for a third night but after that they will know how to fall asleep on their own and then in the night when they wake up they will just go back to sleep.

You have to be committed to following through otherwise if you give up it's a waste of them crying.

Some people do this in an even gentler way by not leaving the room but just living down in the room.

Just on sleep training: I agree with PleasantZen’s description but this is for multiple night wakes when they are waking every sleep cycle or two because they cannot self settle.

It doesn’t sound like you have that issue if it’s only two wakes at regular times, it’s more that he is used to being fed at that time and has got into a habit. Perhaps not eating enough in the day as a result. I think this needs a difference approach, more about making sure he eats more in the day and then settling him a different way at night (no milk, perhaps water or cuddles) in the night. Are you BF - may be easier for DP to settle him without milk if so.

I think going back to work later in the day makes for a long day. I would try and mix it up so some days you just work until 6pm and then that's it. You don't see ds much on those days - okay, that's not the end of the world, he's with DH all day anyway and you have plenty of time with him other days / at the weekend.

Fwiw when mine were small, I made almost no effort to be home for bedtime 2 days a week. I finished early (like 3pm early) the other days, DH was here - you can't do everything.

Honestly it doesn’t really sound like you are working that much. An hour or two in the evening but you aren’t doing a ‘full’ work day earlier in the day even on your best day. Other days you take the whole afternoon off.

If you just worked normal days and had your break at the end of the day in a bigger chunk I imagine it would be easier.
Working in smaller chunks feels like you’re working more but you aren’t actually, it’s the worst of both worlds.

Are you breastfeeding?

I can totally understand wanting to at least have evenings with your son. Rather than working till 6pm, I'd personally start work earlier, 8am or even earlier if need be. (I've done that before actually.) The other occupants of the house are awake then anyway, and you don't usually spend time with your son in the morning anyway, so it won't feel depressing and unsociable.

Also if the reason you require 10h sleep on paper now is the night feeds, I agree you should let your DH take over