Pregnant, toddler and an unhappy DH

[sadfacesmileys]

Just need a bit of perspective before my DH and I have a conversation this evening.

For context - regular poster name change, already have a 2.5 year old and 7m pregnant with another.

Bit of a row last night because I'm feeling frazzled with the mental and physical load but also because I do not feel my DH is appreciating me or my pregnant state.

He never mentions my pregnancy or asks me how I am feeling. He was the same last time (I was shocked when baby arrived how amazing he was as during the pregnancy it was like he hadn't even noticed).

I feel frazzled - I work part time and carry most of the load physically and mentally in terms of our lives and housework. I feel like this is so cliche and I know what you're all going to say. He's amazing with our child and he does do things if asked but doesn't do a lot to 'help' off his own back. We earn about the same despite my 3 day working week so contribute similar to the joint pot.

After a small row last night he ended up refusing to discuss further and he has text me today saying he wants us to talk tonight. He said he isn't very happy, he feels that he's constantly being nagged, we don't have fun or laugh (I disagree) and that he doesn't feel close to me because I am constantly stressed and miserable to live with. He thinks my expectations are too high in terms of keeping on top of house work and life admin etc and that I should be more relaxed about things (he's probably right here).

He's probably not wrong, but I feel like if I was appreciated more and felt a bit more cared for then I wouldn't be so frazzled and stressed so it's a chicken and egg scenario.

We also struggle to communicate without him getting quite angry and sometimes storming out - he struggles to control his temper sometimes and so I feel we never really resolve things properly by talking together.

I'd like us to have a decent conversation and actually resolve this later but I'm feeling pretty tired and emotional at 7m pregnant and now pretty insecure in our marriage as well!

Welcome any perspectives!

Bump :)

It sounds like you might concede that your standards are too high, so perhaps set out to look for compromises in both directions. Especially with a new one arriving, you might have to accept a bit more mess!

Are there particular tasks he could take on as his responsibility, so that they're not part of your mental load, and you're not having to ask each time for help with those? If your standards are different to his, you might need to agree on what your expectation is, and maybe you have to accept that it might be less than you'd like. For instance, he might be willing to take on cleaning the bathroom, but he might not feel it needs doing as often as you do. So you might need to come to an agreement about how often it should be done, so you both know where you are on that. Some men just don't notice mess/dirt, so I think sometimes it's easier for them to take on the jobs which are more clearly defined. (Mine cleans the bath, as that does my back in, but initially didn't realise that included the rim and taps!)

Is there any way that just the two of you could have a weekend away in the next couple of weeks?
If you could ask a relative to look after your toddler for at least Saturday night and try to have two days and an evening doing something that doesn't revolve around children.
I say this, as after your baby is born, it will be months before you get another opportunity.
Maybe visit a city or countryside within 50 miles so that you're not too far away. Stay in a pub or Premier Inn overnight. Have a meal or a cinema visit but do something for just the two of you. And for goodness sake, talk to each other.

I would also say if he continues to act like a toddler himself with the angry outbursts then maybe it's time for you to review the entire relationship

Thank you @lanthanum

Good advice

His approach is always 'I'll do it later' whichb I just find so frustrating as I'm much more a tidy and clean as I go sort of person!

It's so hard to try and be cool and relaxed when I feel so stressed inside :-(

I know I'm not much fun any more. Can't blame him really. I just feel like if he cared a bit more, it would help so much. I don't feel much kindness from him.

@Winniewonka thank you, good idea.

I think I grow frustrated too as any time away we get is because I have organised it all including booking somewhere and babysitter etc.

Sometimes I just can't be bothered. Why can't he organise or book something? I'd love that. Since we had our first child, not once has he organised a babysitter (and we are lucky to have loads of family) and suggested going out.

It's difficult when you work differently on things like this - we're at least both procrastinators! If you can find an agreement, it may be easier to relax - for instance you might not be so bothered about the kitchen not being tidied straight after dinner if you know that he will always clear and wipe the table/worktops and load the dishwasher before he goes to bed.

I like Winniewonka's suggestion too, if you can manage it. Or even just a nice lunch/evening out.

It’s good he wants to talk. Sounds like you both need to compromise a bit and get on the same page. Be calm and talk like adults (no finger pointing, refusing to see the other side and certainly no tears or flouncing). I’m sure you can sort this out.

If you both pay 50/50 towards bills, why doesn’t he think the same logic applies to housework etc?

Maybe some relationship therapy could help?