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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL staying in same apartments block when 2nd baby born

13 replies

Sunshinehouse · 01/03/2023 21:19

My cousin has a young child with another on the way in a few months. Her MIL lives in another country and has messaged to say that she’s booked her flights, coming to stay for 1.5 months about 2 weeks after the due date. She’s also asked my cousin to book her an Airbnb in the same apartment block that she lives in, so she’s ‘close to help’.

Quite apart from it being ridiculous that she’s being asked to look for the Airbnb instead of the MIL asking her son, is she being unreasonable to suggest that is not acceptable for her MIL to encroach on her space and the delicate time after the birth of her second child?

Her first birth experience was really challenging for her and her husband, and their first child struggled to sleep for many months. The MIL was overbearing when she stayed then, and this overbearing and possessive behaviour still upsets her. She’s really keen to just have some space for her new family, and very appreciative at the opportunity of having support, but understandably doesn’t want her Mil literally staying down the hall.

I’m feeling so upset on behalf of her, and would love to hear any suggestions for how to manage this without hurting anyone’s feelings. All thoughts welcome!

OP posts:

PacificallyRequested · 01/03/2023 21:23

I don't really see the issue if the MIL is in her own apartment?

supadupapupascupa · 01/03/2023 23:09

Then the only solution is to stand up for herself and say "no, sorry that doesn't work for us" and mean it. I would be furious if someone else dictated to me who I was spending time with and when.

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 01/03/2023 23:11

I would just say no, and if she booked it anyway I wouldn’t allow her in unless I had previously agreed to it. There would be no “popping round”.

PersonaNonGarter · 01/03/2023 23:14

Personally, this sounds perfect. A babysitter not in the house but it the same building is the dream. I would t be rushing to turn that down.

ShakinSteven · 01/03/2023 23:44

New baby and a young child? I would be thinking about how to manage the boundaries of the visit (not having dinner together every night etc) but having a grandparent on hand might be extremely helpful.

WetBandits · 01/03/2023 23:47

Tell ‘your cousin’ (😉) that it might be very handy to have a willing grandparent on hand to help, but still with a little distance between them.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 01/03/2023 23:55

Maybe there won't be any nearby for that length of time. Perhaps she will only be able to see ones slightly further away when she searches. With her poor pregnancy brain it could be easy to get confused over which appartment block she lives in 😉. Probably better that she books it than the MIL though.

Emptycrackedcup · 02/03/2023 00:39

PersonaNonGarter · 01/03/2023 23:14

Personally, this sounds perfect. A babysitter not in the house but it the same building is the dream. I would t be rushing to turn that down.

Me too! Sounds amazing, I'm jealous

WandaWonder · 02/03/2023 01:47

I would think it's great but I didn't need to hide away with a baby till they started school.

If the person doesn't want it they have a voice and can say so

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 02/03/2023 01:53

Quite apart from it being ridiculous that she’s being asked to look for the Airbnb instead of the MIL asking her son

It's a perfect opportunity actually, tell her it's all sorted and when she gets there 'remember' to mention that there was nothing available in the building, but she's booked into a lovely place a few streets away.

Hopefully MIL will be very useful in spending time with the older child so the cousin can bond with the baby and rest while it's asleep, but she won't be close enough to pop in all the time.

NumberTheory · 02/03/2023 05:09

I can see why a MiL who books a 6 weeks long trip without even consulting you on whether it’s what you want would be unlikely to be a positive addition to the first few weeks of life with a newborn.

But there’s no point in just being upset about it. If it’s not what your cousin wants she needs to speak up and act. She is responsible for engineering her own life the way she wants it and if she isn’t prepared to put that work in she’s going to get caught up in other people’s plans to engineer their own lives.

WandaWonder · 02/03/2023 05:19

The MIL mayhave other things going on or other plans or ideas as well, it seems an endless thing on here that MIL only purpose in life is to be useful or moved around like chess pieces for the benefit of the children/grandchildren

Fifi0102 · 02/03/2023 05:19

She's not asking to stay, why the need to hide the baby away ? It's perfectly normal for extended family to be involved. Your cousin will be getting help with two kids , it's a win win. Posters then later on complain Gparents won't babysit or get involved. Extended family should be able to bond.

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