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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He’s breaking my daughters heart

1 reply

Winginitt · 01/03/2023 21:03

My ex is really infuriating me with what he is doing to our daughter. Does anyone know where I stand in terms of contact being stopped? It’s around 3/4 hours a fortnight and one phone call a week (if that) and she is beside herself after every bit of contact, fine with him in person and on the phone but within minutes of getting home or hanging up she is sobbing and I’m here to pick up the pieces🙄. We’ve been split nearly 2 years, contact has always been 60/40 until the beginning of this year when he asked for it to be 100% contact to me and he’ll see her as and when, conveniently this is also the same time he got into a new relationship however he is adamant this isn’t the case for his deadbeat decisions. I’m not sure what to do, I don’t want this for her and I’m feeling the inconsistency and lack of interest is just really messing her up, I feel like if he were to just disappear she would be better off but naturally I can’t make that call. I’ve tried to make him aware of what he’s doing but he believes this is fine and he instantly makes out like I’m putting things into her head, I’m not but I refuse to lie for him and defend him when she’s upset about him not wanting her, I’d rather sit quiet and comfort her than tell her this isn’t the case when deep down I know it is. I’m in the process of arranging counselling as she’s been through a lot (I lost my mom the day after he asked for contact to be stopped, she has struggled with this) and she’s finding the different changes difficult to accept. She’s 7 by the way. Has anyone ever been in this situation? What did you do? Could I take him to court and demand he see her more or could I demand he not see her at all? I’m totally stumped and exhausted watching my little girl break her heart all the time☹️ I know ITA for even considering this, maybe I’m just angry.

OP posts:
Polarbearyfairy · 02/03/2023 07:25

What an absolute shit, telling you he's stopping contact. Your poor DD, and you too having to deal with this.

I think you have to do whatever protects her - help her deal with it, get her the counselling and set really firm boundaries around the contact he does have. None of this as and when business and certainly not waltzing back in when he inevitably decides it's ok at some point in the future.

Make your home a safe haven for her and don't expend your energy on him - there is no point trying to make him do what he's decided he's not doing is there.

I remember having a conversation with my DD's dad in the early days when we split up, his idea was that he would see her when he felt like it. I said to him you make a consistent arrangement and stick to it, or you don't see her at all. Fortunately he chose the consistent arrangement and hasn't strayed from it.

You can do that with him - you decide when the 3/4 hours are, say every Friday after school or something, and give him 4 weeks to show he's going to stick to it. I'd knock the phone calls on the head, presumably she doesn't have her own phone at 7 and he's calling you to speak to her?

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