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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my 3 year old to listen?

20 replies

hoven · 01/03/2023 15:28

I have a nearly 3 year old DS who is going through a recent phase of not listening to instructions.

He has always been like this but it has recently got worse.

It's a constant low level defiance which I struggle to deal with. Even his childminder (who he has only been with for a few months) brought it up about a month ago.

Examples are: do not go out of the door - he goes

Stop banging the table - he doesn't stop

Put that down- he puts his hand in it

Let's go upstairs- he doesn't

Is this normal behaviorist or something I need to get checked out?

OP posts:

LeatherSkirt82 · 01/03/2023 15:31

DC turned three in December and in our experience - this is perfectly normal behavior. They go through the stage of developing their own identity and one way to do this is to be defiant. They don't call them 'threenagers' for nothing.

Chickenly · 01/03/2023 15:31

In my experience, it’s very normal for them to do this…it’s not normal for you to let it become a permanent and repetitive behaviour. What do you do about it?

TyneTeas · 01/03/2023 15:32

Three year olds can be really trying!

I found it helped a bit to say what I did want to happen, not what I didn't.

So rather than keep out if that puddle (so then all they can think about is going in the puddle) I might say let's walk on this side of the path and keep our feet dry

It gets better

RunTowardsTheLight · 01/03/2023 15:32

Yes this is totally normal OP. You have to step in and enforce it. It's so annoying isn't it!

Redebs · 01/03/2023 15:33

Absolutely normal

Perhaps find a parenting class or book to get tips? There is a knack!

Pinkypurplecloud · 01/03/2023 15:35

Typical two year old behaviour. What happens when he ignores or defies you?

Shalapoo · 01/03/2023 15:35

Welcome to the threenagers!

StarsandStones · 01/03/2023 15:37

Maybe this book can help: How to talk so little kids will listen.

Original poster

hoven · 01/03/2023 15:41

Chickenly · 01/03/2023 15:31

In my experience, it’s very normal for them to do this…it’s not normal for you to let it become a permanent and repetitive behaviour. What do you do about it?

If I say we're putting our shoes on now and he runs off, I get him walk him back to where we were and say something like you need to listen we are putting our shoes on now and put them on. It's definitely not something I leave. I've even left the park etc with him if he isn't listening. It just seems like nothing is working at the moment

OP posts:

Ellie1015 · 01/03/2023 15:44

Give choices where you can eg "do you want to wait by the door or in the kitchen? Do not go outside" works occasionally. Hopefully passes soon.

Thelnebriati · 01/03/2023 15:52

They are developing a sense of self and want some autonomy and independence; but they don't get any say over day to day events. It helps if you can give some warning about the days timetable (in 10 minutes time we are getting ready to go out, we are going to the park) and the illusion of choice (would you like to wear X or Y, would you like to take bread to feed the ducks).

mistermagpie · 01/03/2023 15:54

Honestly it's totally normal. I have a three year old and she's exactly the same, in fact she's probably worse! I also have a 5 and 7 year old and they were the same too at that age, they don't call them 'threenagers' for nothing.

I'm no expert by any means, but disciplining children of this age is a bit of a waste of time in my opinion. They have no empathy yet, so they couldn't care less if they make you late for work or mess up the house or whatever, and they don't really understand consequences very well either, so you have to keep it simple. I use the classic parenting techniques of bribery and threats to get my daughter to comply and it probably works 70% of the time?

She hates being sent to her room so I threaten that or that she won't be able to do an activity she really enjoys, and that gets her attention. Either that or bribe her with something she likes. When she's out and out being defiant, I will just physically pick her up and put her in the car or carry her out of the park etc, but that relies on you being able bodied and not everyone can manage that.

It's a thankless age really but they do grow out of it, my older two were the same really (a bit better because they are boys and girls seem to be much more challenging!) and now they are absolutely lovely. My 5, nearly 6, year old has been a delight for probably 18 months or so, so I'd say they turn a corner at age 4.

shakeitoffsis · 01/03/2023 15:55

Sounds normal. My daughter is 4 in July and she is now seemingly getting past this stage of total defiance and replacing it with occasional defiance 😆

Seriously79 · 01/03/2023 16:01

I know that this is easier said than done, but with my DD 3.5 I 'try' to ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good - even if it's something really trivial. I probably sound crazy when we are out and about 'good girl for holding my hand' ' I like that you are listening to me' but so far it appears to be working.

Marblessolveeverything · 01/03/2023 16:22

Typical but a couple of things help,

Give clear very short directions - i.e. say stay there as opposed to do not go out the door.

Play the "Freeze" game, play the "racing" game - see if he can get his shoes on before you do etc.

Give consequences for out and out defiance but give chances for him to correct his behaviour - they are caught I think with the new found freedom to not do what they are told and then seeking praise for doing good.

Lots of praise when then do what they are told.

Keep the interactions to a minimum - otherwise they learn to tune it out.

Good luck!

Mariposista · 01/03/2023 16:27

Lots of praise for good behavior/ listening and constant consequences/correcting for defiance. Yes we had more cancelled trips to the park then times we got there last year 🤣🤣

Nimbostratus100 · 01/03/2023 16:28

Chickenly · 01/03/2023 15:31

In my experience, it’s very normal for them to do this…it’s not normal for you to let it become a permanent and repetitive behaviour. What do you do about it?

This

Original poster

hoven · 01/03/2023 17:18

StarsandStones · 01/03/2023 15:37

Maybe this book can help: How to talk so little kids will listen.

Read this a while ago but will give it another read. I've gone off of the full on gentle parenting techniques recently as I feel they can overindulge children a bit too much

OP posts:

ItsaStupidSillyThing · 01/03/2023 17:19

Yes, perfectly normal, selective hearing coupled with rebellion. This too shall pass.

Whattodonut · 01/03/2023 17:24

Totally normal. Totally frustrating.

I approach it in a few ways like
Gamify. Make it in a game of speed. Or slowness. Or simon says. If you want them to stay still play the Wiggle statue game. So we do this for cutting nails- "Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle. Statue still (cut as much nail as possible in 5 seconds). Wiggle wiggle. Statue still. And repeat.
Make it a small choice. They have so little control over their lives. They need to feel they have some choice We can do this first or this.
Never say 'don't do X'. Thats your guarateed way to get them to do it. Sometimes if we are in a hurry I'll tell her not to do the thing I want her to do. But i don't recommend that as a strategy.
Never show annoyance. Always praise the small good behaviour. They want your attention. Annoyance is still attention and much easier to get.

Just some idea. And yes sometimes they just won't. It will pass! You'll find the stategy that works and although its annoying to say it, if you stay positive and make things fun you'll get a better reaction.

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