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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my child to the local comp?

58 replies

Whatwouldyoudododo · 01/03/2023 14:49

A bit more complex than the title implies.
Long story short: Mother in law has offered to pay for my eldest to attend a private school for secondary education. My child has started year 7 at the local comp and would like to stay there because of friends. The school is much worse than I had hoped but thought we would give it a shot.

Don't want to force child away from friends but the school is really struggling and I imagine it'll take a number if years to improve.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Sleepingmole · 01/03/2023 15:09

If they aren’t great I’d definitely do some tours of schools to get a feel for the alternatives

Original poster
Whatwouldyoudododo · 01/03/2023 15:09

@MadamArcati99 no idea what your talking about none of my kids are privately educated at present.

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 01/03/2023 15:09

I can understand - it's a tricky decision. For me the class segregation would be the deal breaker being totally honest, it's just not something I'm comfortable with at all but I wouldn't judge anyone else for making a different decision

Gruelle · 01/03/2023 15:09

Firstly you would need to be able to choose from your own shortlist - not just a single school chosen by your MIL.

Secondly your child has to apply and be accepted. If a school is worth paying for (from an academic pov) there’ll be an entrance exam and interview, and they won’t just take anyone who can pay. Presumably you’re now looking (quite late!) at yr 9 entrance - which would mean a very traditional public school?

So you need to know what she’s offering. If she says you don’t get a choice - you’d be better off to decline her generous offer. If she’s ready to work with you and her grandchild to find the best school for them - that’s worthy of consideration.

(And the right school will be one your child feels excited to be joining.)

skgnome · 01/03/2023 15:10

Bullying and ofsted special measures would put me on the “take the offer” side
however - you said it’s your eldest, would your other kids benefit from the same offer?
are there any strings attached? Or is it just a generous offer from a loving grandparent who you have a good relationship with?
also, can you afford the “extras” (uniform, lunches, compulsory trips )?
being on the same school as your primary school friends is not really a consideration- they do tend to make new friends in high school, and they can keep in touch

Quartz2208 · 01/03/2023 15:10

Not all local comps are equal. If it was good or above, good language and arts etc and no bullying and they were happy I wouldn’t.

but the school you describe in special measures in a heartbeat

Obeythedancecommander · 01/03/2023 15:10

What is your mil's financial position? Would she pay up front (I.e give the cash to you) to pay for all of the children? Things change; what if she's happily paying and something happens that means she can no longer continue to pay? Would you be able to pick up where she left off? I can imagine it would be quite shit if you had to move your child back to the comp or couldn't give all of your children the same opportunity.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoudododo · 01/03/2023 15:15

@ZacharinaQuack if I'm honest I'm not sure my other children will mind where they go! So yes, I'd probably send them to the private school if the local comp has not improved by then.

OP posts:
ZacharinaQuack · 01/03/2023 15:16

If MIL has lots of money, and would like to leave it to your DH and/or your children, she may also see this as a good way to benefit them now while avoiding inheritance tax. If she does see it like that, maybe that takes away some of the discomfort about 'someone else paying for it'? i.e. this is money that would be going to the grandchildren anyway in the end.

Warrensrabbit · 01/03/2023 15:18

I would seize the opportunity with both hands. when I look at the opportunity peers of mine who were privately educated had I am incredibly jealous.

Igniteyourbones · 01/03/2023 15:19

I would accept the offer in a heartbeat.

Yazo · 01/03/2023 15:20

I'd keep them in, my MIL called my husband the other day to talk secondaries, I think she should mind her business!

If it were I'd politely decline and suggest the money could go towards university or starting out in some other way. My in laws are saving for that and I prefer that as it's between them and my kids. What if you went private and your child hated the school or didn't get on well there? It certainly happens.

shropshire11 · 01/03/2023 15:21

You should move your child - it might not be a decision they will thank you for today, but they will in future.

It's a shame to part from friends, but they will make new friends in the new school. Having a private education will be a gigantic advantage for them for the rest of their lives.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 01/03/2023 15:22

The thing is, what private school has she got in mind? Because they aren't all brilliant simply by virtue of being private.

How much choice would you and your dc have over choosing which schools to apply to? Would your DC get in, especially as in year admissions can be tricky? Would you have to tutor to get them into a selective private school?

Quite a few issues to think through. It's not as simple as just deciding and doing.

pickledpies · 01/03/2023 15:25

take the kid on a tour round the new school then leave it up to the child to decide. They may change their mind with a tour

TinklyLaughTime · 01/03/2023 15:25

The only way I'd accept would be if the person offering to pay would be willing to gift the full amount of the private education to Y11 at least, in full and in advance. Either directly to us or through a trust.

It doesn't matter how much money they have or how happy/young/healthy they are. No one is immune from divorce, death, serious illness, family arguments and a host of other reasons that may be the case of them stopping paying in future.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoudododo · 01/03/2023 15:25

@ZacharinaQuack I do agree with you. Also she has worked incredibly hard to be in this position and she pays for all her family to be privately educated in the country from which they are originally from (where life is very hard) so I don't think it's quite the same as using her as a cash cow!

@Yazo there is no pressure at all just the reassurance it is there should be wish to use it. They know my sending my children to the local comp has been from the best of intention. It's purely because the school has literally rock- bottomed in the last year and my child had to put up with so much bullying.

OP posts:
StopitSarah · 01/03/2023 15:26

I’d accept her offer. But is there a place at a good local independent school? I would probably move my children from a terrible comp to an ok independent but would (obviously) be aiming for an excellent independent school that would cater for my child’s areas of interest (academic/music/sport/drama etc)

pickledpies · 01/03/2023 15:28

will your child be able to move back to the comp if they don't like the private or will the position get filled?

What I have learnt is that as long as they have the right friends, children thrive academically where they are happy.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 01/03/2023 15:33

I would do it.
There's a huge difference between a good comp and a poor one ( we moved so our third dc wouldn't have to go). There's world's between a good private and a poor comp!

Wnikat · 01/03/2023 15:38

If my kid was being bullied I’d bite her hand off

Sleepingmole · 01/03/2023 15:39

If your son has been bullied then it’s a no brainer. Find the right school that suits him

ZacharinaQuack · 01/03/2023 15:40

If you really think you'll take the offer for your other DCs, I reckon you should just go for it with the eldest, assuming you can get him in to a school you like. Things turned out okay for me so I didn't really blame my parents but I did have a couple of moments of thinking 'why did you let a 10/11 year old make that decision?!' which would have been worse if I'd had younger siblings who all got the opportunity I'd been allowed to turn down.

nutbrownhare15 · 01/03/2023 15:41

I'm not a fan of private education at all but in your shoes OP I'd be strongly considering it. Maybe look round the school and see what you think. Will bullying be a factor there too?

DashboardConfessional · 01/03/2023 15:42

I've thought about this due to our own situation and decided we'd probably say yes for an offer for secondary, no for primary.