*TW - child abuse* to log a historical abuse

[Needingsomeobjectivity]

TW - child abuse

I've been okay with my teenage story for many years, but now in my 40s, the perpetrator is haunting my dreams and as such I'm now considering logging the abuse from 30-odd years ago with the police.

Before I tell the tale, I was 14 and 10 months old, I decided that I wanted to lose virginity to this man (and we went on to have a s3xual relationship for over 2yrs thereafter - never with protection). It was a friendly relationship in the sense that instigation was on me, we chatted almost daily - it didn't feel like he was preying on me (but maybe I've got Stockholm Syndrome?). I live in a different country now, he has sorted out his life and has kids of his own, steady job. I don't really want to upset my family by bringing this into public eye.

So, I had a fight with my sister when I was about 14.5 years old, fled the house and was decompressing under a tree near some neighbours - had never been around that house before. Before long, a guy who lives at the house (12 years my senior - lived with his aged parents) comes home from work, strikes up a conversation with me. It was nice to have the attention AND distraction from an upsetting fight with my sister. I told him I was 16 - he didn't question that.

Months roll past and we still chat most evenings when he gets home from work. My parents both at work so this activity largely goes unnoticed. Siblings oblivious. One weekend I decided (I was a very forthright and strong willed teenager) I was going to lose my virginity to this man - he was all in. From then on in, we maintained our mostly-nightly chats after he returned from work, and intercourse whenever the opportunity arose. Always at his home.

The relationship fizzled out when I was late 16yo as I realised what a deadbeat he was.

Now, he is infiltrating my dreams - not necessarily in a bad way, but just there, and it's provoking me to think about whether to log this s3xual abuse or not.

YABU - proceed with logging with the police - it'll draw a line in the sand and you can get on with your life (AND he can get his comeuppance)

YANBU - leave well enough alone - you'll never see him again, you've both got on with your lives, nothing really to be gained in going down the 'logging with police' route

Did you ever tell him you lied about your age or did he always think you were above the legal age of consent?

This

OP. I reported historical CSA. It was only 5 years later. I think the whole process of getting to court etc (and thankfully I was believed enough to get to court) was more traumatic than the abuse. My abuser had been in prison before, owing to lack of evidence he was placed on the sex offenders register and wasn’t allowed contact with under 16’s (which he soon broke) he committed suicide - he was outed by the community and attempting to live with a minor (and their mum who knew all about it) so he doesn’t haunt me in the same way as I know he can’t reoffend.

Is there any evidence? These crimes are so difficult to prove especially when so much time has passed. If it’s just your word against his, no I wouldn’t do it. The experience of bringing a prosecution, my family reading the details in the paper (obviously I wasn’t named but it was obvious it was my case) my Mum being ashamed was awful.

He thought you were of age. Unfair to report him now.

Whilst it would be highly distasteful that a man that age engaged in sexual activity with a 16 yr old, it would have been seen as legal. Did you ever correct him regarding the age you told him? You were 'with' him intermittently for over a year until you realised he wasn't a great option. Did you ever come clean about your age? I believe that, may play a factor.

I cant see any abuse here. A man who thought you were 16. You liked him, you wanted to lose your virginity to him. This is insane!

I lost mine at 15 to a 16 year old, do I try and have him prosecuted? Even though I was in a happy relationship with him and wanted to have sex with him.

No. He thought you were 16. It's unfair.

I think maybe you'd benefit of discussing this with a therapist rather than the police. When I was 18 I had a sexual relationship with a man 20 years older than me. I never thought there was anything wrong with it at the time but looking back as an almost 40 YO woman it is something that I regret, I can see now that he was a creep with no morals and am repulsed by him. This is something I have discussed with a therapist because although there wasn't anything criminally wrong, it did play on my mind why I was willing to put myself in that position. There were other factors at play from my childhood that meant I had few boundaries and no experience of healthy relationships and so I accepted the first person to come along. Could it be that the relationship with this man is flagging up other issues that are unresolved?

sorry but your being unfair and need to move on. I think your wanting to be the victim here but you Lied to him, 16 is young enough that he shouldnt have done it sure, but you pushed that hand and its wrong to now feel the need to report, regret it fine but 30 years!!! 30 years ago you lied about your age and had sex with someone and now you want to report THEM?

Its just so wrong.

I think you may be right - working through this with a therapist would probably be more personally beneficial than the upheaval of going down the police/prosecution route.

I did at some stage tell him that I was younger than he believed, but I am not sure that he connected the dots to realise that he had had s3x with a minor 18 months prior.

@Arebella I wouldn't go as far as to say that my thought process is 'insane' - he was 12 years my senior. Wouldn't you do due diligence if you were him in that position? (or in fact to question the sensibility at all of engaging on any level with a schoolgirl - he almost always saw me in my school uniform. I think he liked that it tapped a fantasy)

He thought he was 10 years your senior and all legal. Things are frowned upon more now than they were then. Its such a hot topic now that people are much more weary.

I also at the age of 16/17 had a sexual relationship with a man aged 28 ish. I was obsessed with him. I was so flattered that he was interested in me. Yes looking back I bet you he would choose differently now. (I am also in my 40s). You honestly can't put this on someone else. If you're struggling with it then you need to speak to someone about it, but he's done nothing wrong.

I think your case is too grey an area if you lied and said you were 16 and it was consensual with no element of grooming.

Therapy would be far more useful.

He was a creep and it’s morally repugnant but I do agree if he reasonably believed you were over the age of consent (or did he want to believe knowing it wasn’t necessarily true) criminalising him probably isn’t the right thing to do.

It’s so messed up isn’t it - likelihood was he did/does have an interest in young girls but was trying to stay on the right side of the law.

Thankyou for sharing your story and I'm sorry that you went through that at all 💐

Do you have any children and how old are they now?

I ask because if any of them are near 14/15/16 you will be seeing how vulnerable they are and with hindsight be realising how inappropriate this man was.

As others have said things were very different 30 years ago.

I second therapy. You don’t have to make up your mind about reporting it yet. See a therapist and let them guide you.

@Isheabastard yes I have a 14 yo DD. I feel sick at the thought of her lying and saying she's 16 and having sex with someone yes. But that doesn't make this man a criminal. He had sex with someone who told him they were 16 and she very much wanted the relationship.